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Comment by Terry Williams on April 30, 2012 at 18:32

This from a friend who'd rather die that vote Socialist.

Nicolas Sarkozy, la Reine Elizabeth, et Vladimir Poutine meurent en même temps et se retrouvent en enfer.

À leur arrivée ils repèrent un téléphone rouge et immédiatement demandent quelle en est l’utilité. Le diable leur dit qu’il peut être utilisé pour appeler la terre dans des circonstances exceptionnelles.

Considérant tous les trois que les circonstances sont exceptionnelles car ils n’ont pas eu le temps de régler tous leurs problèmes, ils décident de demander à s’en servir.

Poutine demande donc d’appeler la Russie et parle pendant 5 minutes. Le diable lui dit qu’il doit 1 million de roubles et Poutine fait un chèque.

La Reine Élisabeth demande à son tour d’appeler l’Angleterre. Elle parle pendant 20 minutes et le diable lui demande 6 millions de livres qu’elle paye.

Nicolas Sarkozy à son tour prend le téléphone, appelle la France et parle pendant 4 heures. À la fin de l’appel le diable lui dit qu’il doit seulement 5 euros.

Quand Poutine entend cela il rentre dans une rage épouvantable et demande pourquoi Sarkozy aurait un tarif  préférentiel.

Le diable sourit et lui dit que depuis que François Hollande est devenu président, la France est devenue un enfer. Appeler la France est donc un appel local. 

Facilitator Comment by Sheila Walshe-Blackmore on April 21, 2012 at 20:13

PARAPROSDOKIANS

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My desk
is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Comment by Nick Aurelius-Haddock on April 14, 2012 at 16:07

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland ?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...

Comment by Kent Shelley on March 2, 2012 at 14:43

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

 

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

 

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "

 

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees... Ees..... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees.... a ham bush."

Comment by frank charat on March 2, 2012 at 9:10

I recently childproofed my house...the kids STILL got in.

Comment by frank charat on February 21, 2012 at 9:38

I come from a wealthy family

Iron and Steel

My mother irons, my father steals

Comment by Kent Shelley on February 17, 2012 at 20:02

And in the same vein as James's jeu de mots:

Q: Translate the motto of the French Naval Academy, which is "To the water; it is time."

A: À l'eau, c'est l'heure...

Comment by James Simpson on February 17, 2012 at 19:52

Q.: Why did the French chef commit suicide?
A.: Because he had lost the huile d'olive

Comment by frank charat on February 16, 2012 at 14:42

PS ....for all those of you that don't know what a yamaka is, it's the small skull caps worn by Jews on holy days or at the synagogue. 

Comment by frank charat on February 16, 2012 at 8:34

A Jewish joke

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a
strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his
head.  The rabbi ran after  his hat but the wind was so
strong it kept blowing his hat farther and  farther
away.  He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young gentile  man, witnessing this event and being
more fit than the rabbi, ran after  the hat and caught
it.  The young gentile man handed the hat over to  the
rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he
gave the man  twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's
head and blessed him.  The  young man was very excited
about both the tip and
the blessing.

The  young gentile decided to take his new found wealth
to the racetrack.   He bet the entire $20 on the first
race that he could.

After the  races  the young man returned home and
recounted his very exciting day at the  races to his
father.

"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man.
"I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the
name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were
100-to-1.  It  was the longest shot in the field."

"After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the
rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in
the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God.
So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing
thing happened.  The horse  that was the longest shot and
who did not have the slightest chance to  even show, came
in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a  fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2000.  But wait, it gets  better," replied
the son.

"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was
running. The odds on the horse  were 30 to 1.  Stetson
being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's
blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on
this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"Stetson came in like a rocket.  Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?"
asked his excited father.

"No," said the son.

"I lost it all on the next race.  There was a horse in this
race named Chateau, which is French  for hat.  So I decided
to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down
and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said
the  father. "You lost all of the money because of your
ignorance. Tell me,  what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamaka."

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