1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My desk
is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
Professional attire means they think you work so much better wearing uncomfortable clothes...
With thanks to Dilbert
No. 14 rules OK!
A bird in the hand is ok until the wife finds out...
I'm going to use your fourth suggestion in a meeting at 1.30 this afternoon.
I'll let you know how I get on
27. One swallow doesn't make an orgy.
It's at times like this that I wish I would have listened to my father,
"Why what did he say"?
I don't know, I wasn't listening!!
Love number 4. Great one for work.
Fifty paraprosdokian shades of grey!
What's the difference between a badly spoken rich man and a well spoken poor man according to the former? They both don't have nothing.
One for my boys:
I need 8 hours of sleep a day, and at least 10 at night.
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.
A man went to Alcoholics Anonymous for years, the problem was he didn't get to know anybody and was always thirsty, so he gave up and went to the pub where everybody was friends after a beer or two.
What sharp folk we have on SFN!! You are a loss to world of the Comedy Store you lot!! I have enjoyed this.
Love it! Thanks :)
If something described as 'hard as nails', does that mean it bends in the middle when you hit it with a hammer?
They say never go to sleep on an argument, better to use a bed.
One man's rubbish may be another man's treasure: what is not palatable to one may be extremely pallet-table to another.
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
or, a lie is only the truth explained badly...