A man has just bought his wife a silver wedding present.
A friend in the pub asks him what it is.
‘It’s a beautiful table,’ says the man. ‘She doesn’t play snooker but I hope she likes it.’
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A university student with a Russian sounding name was invited to a vetting with MI5 during his National Service. He was asked if he had been a member of the Anglo-Soviet Society. He denied it and listed his otherwise innocent club memberships.
‘Oh, I think you were,’ my interlocutor continued. ‘Did you not attend a showing of the film Battleship Potemkin in the School of Geography on 7th June 1950?’
‘You’re absolutely right, sir – I did.’
I recalled signing my name in a book on display as one entered the auditorium. The showing of Eisenstein’s iconic film had obviously been sponsored by the Anglo-Soviet Society. MI5 might have missed Guy Burgess, Donald Maclean, Kim Philby and Anthony Blunt, but they knew that I had watched Battleship Potemkin in 1950.
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I used to see a plumbing van in Birmingham with this slogan. Sikh company.
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Believe it or not I knew a plumber called Alan Leake. He proudky displayed his name on van, A Leake Plumbing and Heating Contractor
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This made my wife laugh out loud. 
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Made me laugh out loud, because that’s what I did to the cashier to demonstrate the English meaning when he said he had flashed the large bag of croquettes which were still in the chariot.
I hasten to add I was fully clothed underneath the jacket. 
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Reminds me of Chic Murray seated on a flight from the Western Isles to Glasgow next to an American. The man, having spent a rather damp and expensive weekend, declared Scotland to be the a…hole of the world.
"Are you just passing through? " asked Chic
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