My grandfather returned from the war with one hand and one foot. He passed away before we could find out if they came from the same person.
This reminds me of my first ever French class where not a word of English was spoken until the break.
Me: Alexa, find me a movie.
Siri: Who is Alexa?
Me: Sorry! Siri, play me a movie.
Siri: WHO. IS. ALEXA?
Me: Pleeease play me a movie?
Siri: Why don’t you get that bitch Alexa to play you a movie?
Escher Rantzen?
Concerned about my hearing, I visited my doctor this morning.
“What’s the symptoms?”, she asked.
I answered, “It’s a cartoon about a yellow man, a woman with blue hair and their disfunctional family.”
I suggested to my wife that, as part of our anniversary celebrations, we go separately to the pub where we first met and recreate that first night.
She sidled up to me at the bar and said, “Hello handsome, can I buy you a drink? Oh and by the way, I’m a great cook and dynamite between the sheets.”
I said, “Beat it. I’m not falling for that shjt again.”
Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if a finger is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!
Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your finger gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you $1,000!
Bill: Hey, I got an idea…
So they cut off Bob’s finger, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeon sewed it back on and later they collect $1,000 from the insurance.
A month later…
Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your arm is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!
Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your arm gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you $10,000!
Bill: Hey, I got an idea…
So they cut off Bob’s arm, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and sure enough, the surgeons sewed it back on and later they collect $10,000 from the insurance.
A month later…
Bill (reading the newspaper): It says in this here newspaper that medicine is so advanced now that if your HEAD is cut off doctors can reconnect it and it will be just like new!
Bob (his brother): That’s funny, I heard that if your head gets cut off, the insurance company will pay you $1,000,000!
Bill: Hey, I got an idea…
So they cut off Bob’s head, put it in a plastic bag, rush to the hospital, and … after a long delay, the head surgeon comes out and tell Bill that he’s sorry, but Bob is dead.
Bill: What!? Why?! Two months ago you connected his finger back and it was like new, a month ago you connected his arm and it was fine - what went wrong?!
Doctor: When you put his head in a plastic bag, he suffocated.
Isn’t that an actual thing with Japanese toilets?
No, thats the long push for wash n’wipe🤣
In a past life I specialised in disabled adaptations.
We installed some amazing equipment.
Built in wash and dry loos was just one piece of kit.
