American needs help about nasty divorce

What stories! There should be a film made about you two. It seems to me in these stories that there has been alot of fall-outs. In my case even my best friends are fall-outs. Her reason: I ask to much of her! Another friend said she couldn’t stay friends because it hurt her too much to help me because it reminded her of what she lived through with her ex! I wont even mention our mutual friends! I was heart broken even by my friends.

This last week because of the events that happened on Monday I was an emotional mess and didn’t do much of anything besides getting extra sleep and thinking. My thoughts go round and round about what I should do: Stay in Toulouse or France? Go back to my family in California? Sell what I have and go travel then return home? But why stay in Toulouse near the Mama’s boy, why France, I do have my carte de residance. Why go back to cali, my Mom is getting better. Traveling and getting out of my situation seems the best option. I’m turning round and round all these questions in my mind every waking hour, at times I wish I could be a child, life so simple.

I need love and protection, a good job, kind true friends, good food and a sense of release from good decision making. That and happiness and health.

Elena

It may well be worth you contact a Private Investigator to gather any evidence you need for a Lawyer - they usually know what they are doing and deal with Divorce and separation cases. If the Lawyer does this on your behalf it will be very expensive.

Contact me if you want some names in your area.

What an amazing story - so proud of you Debbie, for both sharing this and more to the point, moving on with your life xx

Hi Elena
I have just come across this discussion and wanted to tell you some of my experiences so you know that you are not alone and won’t be the last to go through this hell.

I was married to an alcoholic and spent 2 years hiding under tables, cupboards, too terrified of sleeping in case he killed me in the night. Why did I stay ? Because I was in love with him and thought I would be the woman to change him. Considering myself intelligent, I never imagined I would end up in this situation but until it happens to you, you can’t comment. Plus I then found myself pregnant…and I thought it would calm him down and give him the security but things got worse and worse. Even when he abstained from drink I was horrified to discover that this charming person who treated me like a princess one minute and like nothing the next, was still violent and controlling. These type of men have a habit of picking on nice girls who perhaps are slightly vulnerable and needy at the time they meet them…they have amazing sensors.
Anyway after calling the police 4 times to rescue me, I finally decided to leave when he nearly killed me by throwing me down the stairs. The policewoman said that I had done the right thing and she had seen so many women stay to become beaten up and beaten down until they had no strength or confidence to do anything and no family or friends to confide in because they very cleverly alienate you from everyone until you think it is your fault…IT IS NOT !
He even charmed my mother to the extent that she said, oh why don’t you go back, he was always so generous !!!

He too tried to continue to bully me but I just let the solicitors deal with it direct and when he kept phoning drunk, I told him that I would report him to the police for nuisance calls and amazingly he stopped. The first time he came to the house to collect our son for the weekend he started shouting and arguing so I pushed him towards the front door (not easy when he was built like a boxer !) and said “this is where you collect Edward and this is where you drop him off and you will never step foot in my house again”.
Amazingly it worked and it made me feel powerful knowing that he only took advantage because I was weak and once I became strong and dictated the terms…he backed off !

I have a habit of attracting the wrong sort of man and someone I had worked with for 7 years who had always been charming (yes, again) came into my life and I came to France with him only to discover every word he uttered was a lie. Even though he had 3 sons, he hated my son, and I uncovered a whole can of worms. He unexpectedly returned to the UK leaving me with 50 euros in the bank ! Neighbours came round with offers of fruit and vegetables. I sent beautiful family silver & antiques (my mother had just died !), my own jewellery to an Auction house in England to raise money as soon as possible, down-graded my car, and stuck a note up at the local chateau advetising B&B…somehow I have managed to keep this big house going entirely on my own with a little help here and there…it has not been easy but I was determined not to let the men win or get me down. What they have done is THEIR problem, not yours and you have to let go, put it behind you and believe there is someone good out there.

Now finally I have met the sweetest and most sincere French man - not the man of my dreams but then they always turned out to be the man of my nightmares !! So there is hope and you just have to believe in yourself and make a list of all the things you are good at because at the end of the day only you can change your life for the better.
Concentrate on making one decision at a time and don’t over-whelm yourself with all of them at once …
Take care, be brave and good luck !

Thank you Cathy for the link of the AngloINFO. I’ll take a better look at when I feel a bit stronger.

I Thank you Kristen for your powerful strengthening messages, it is making me think of how strong I can be.

Last night I saw a film called “eat pray love” good film, and touched a lot of points in my own life. Maybe I’ll sell everything and leave this place. I do like France but I’ll have to find a really good job or situation in order to stay. No job is keeping me here in Toulouse. But it may have to come down to giving up my beloved pets… it breaks my heart.



I got a lot of decision making to do. And don’t know where to begin.

Soooo agreeeeed on the part about being strong, showing him that not only are you surviving this ordeal, but when it all comes down to it, to show him that you did really really well. For example, if you like living in France, show him you did really well by staying in France and being really really happy. Who knows, maybe all this was just to easily get a foothold in France and that it’s your real calling, and not being his wife. I know that’s what you must have envisioned when you married him. I don’t know about any of the legal things there, or even here in the states for that matter, but the psychological aspects I totally agree with. Turn this whole thing into a winning thing for your life. A springboard for such a positive change that even you couldn’t have imagined it. I know it must be hard for you to keep this in the forefront of your mind, but I think that if you do, not only will it help you get out of your depression, but it will give you something to work toward. I know this sounds cliché, but it really is the journey and you will be a happier person later on. I know I am, after overcoming some hardships of my own. But that will have to be discussed at a later date. Right now, I am concerned with you and you winning. That is the best revenge! It is win or lose you know, and I have every confidence on your strength and conviction. I’m gonna say it again, you go girl!!

Cathy

I am happy to be wrong if in fact it works that way in your area, I know from experience when i got divorced that it was along drawn out affair and no one wins, only losers, so muteul consent is always a good idea except that the man has used violence against her, so it changes a lot and she has a legal right to be paid monies from him but only a lawyer can do all thos as you know, so Cathy nothing is more important than Elena getting out of this situation

Elena,
I want you to know that I’m sending you my best positive energy, and know that you will get done what needs to be done. Please do get that security chain and peep hole on your door immediately, if you haven’t done so already. I think you’re getting great advice from people who have either ‘been there’, or know about the law there. I think that if this Phillipe who just joined SFN is a lawyer he could be of great help to you in the way of advice, even if he’s not registered to practice law in France. Maybe he could help you with some of the legal jargon that your lawyer uses. Hang tough girl! Sending hugs <3

I really don’t thing she wants the Axxxxlx back, but she is alone and also in need of help, I agree about legal aid, however its a very slow and ball busting wait to get it in france, good idea that she talks with a lawyer bearing in mind that a british lawyer cannot legally do anything unless he or she is registered in France, so in the mean time life continues and I have been promised she will not open the door again to him or his family and I am sure she does not want to get back with him again, so keep the help coming

Agreed!

Elena - if you are on a low enough income, you will not have to pay for the divorce, you will get legal aid or the equivalent of and the lawyer will be free but speak to Philippe who joined today as he is a lawyer.

Elena it seems he is the opne making a claim to divorce you, all depends now on what grounds, is he saying for what reason “he” wants to divorce you, for what fault etc, also you can defend yourself and make it hard for mim, the down side is that it will cost money to get a divorce as you have to have a laywer, if the divorce is the only way out then ask him for a divorce a l’amiable, that means one lawyer who does all the workk paid for by him but who looks after both of your interests, so give me a call and let me know what is written ok
Gary

The class went okay, I was surprised at myself! Today in the mail I got a copy of the Requête de divorce. Dose anyone know what that means? My lawyer wrote something on it in really sloppy writing saying I’ll have to wait to see them until I get the convocation in the mail by recommander.



My husband tried to contact me again today to pay the telephone bill, he threatened to cancel the subscription but lucky I changed it to my name only yesterday and he’s got to pay for last months bill!



A friend told me to do a pro and con list of how he was like to live with and with this list I’ll be able to see if it’s really worth trying to get him back. The Cons out weighed the pros tenfold.



Slowly but surely getting my energy back from Monday’s fight. I was rattled to the bone by what happened. I wont let that happen again, no way!

I went to the judicial doctor this morning so it was all recorded.



Just one thing now that I question is my lawyer. She is french and is not bilingual so I got to make extra effort to understand her technical legal talk, she is almost never there and doesn’t always get back to me, I always fall on the secretary. I could change to an other lawyer to whom gets back to me when I call and I who speaks English and french.



Oh, that was a relief, now I know he can’t cancel the internet account. I was so worried about not being able to contact my family in California or have my friends help.



I really don’t have much energy to do all this, I was emotionally bothered so I need extra sleep, my body hurts from all the bruises. I gotta go teach tonight, it’ll change my ideas and get me out of the apartment but don’t known how well my students can learn with a teacher disturbed.

0354738028

I really wasn’t thinking when I opened the door. How stupid!

I went to the police, and so tomorrow I have to go to the hospital to prove it to a judicial doctor. I am talking care of myself, and finally some friends are coming through. It has been rough to say the least. I really need the extra sleep but I have so many things to take care of.



Dose anyone know what I should do about the internet so he can’t cut it off, I took a look at the site but didn’t find anything helpful.

Elena
You should have refused to open the door as we all said to you, that he has agressed you means that you MUST go and porte plainte pour agression avec violence, go to a doctor and get a certificate to prove you were agressed, if you don’t do this you will be another victim and he will win, violence is good for no one and the fact he came with his father is proof enough tha they do not respect you, so go to the police NOW, don’t wait because there is a delay in how long you have to do these things, but really do not open the door, if he breaks the door it will go against him but start fighting and stop being a victim OK

Call anytime you need to
Gary

I’m not sure pills will help any with my difficulties!

My husband and his dad came over last night! I am really not good. They wanted to take his clothes and they came in, I didn’t know it was both of them there and opened the door. I was pushed and shoved and they were pulling on me. He even slapped me. We were yelling and causing me emotional disturbance. I called the police and they finally came but I feel they didn’t help me. I feel emotionally paralyzed this morning. I was being strong but I’m quite disturbed now. I will go to the police again to put in a plainte. My lawyer’s Secretary said to go to my doctor to show my state and bruises.

I am trying to handle and deal with all the papers and finding a job but how will I get out of this turmoil with all the harassment? I am scared he will cut off the electricity and phone and internet. The assistance social said they can’t help me financially! I’m at a lost at what to do. Please send me help!

I’m so sorry to hear that - I would recommend some herbal happy pills - the kind you can buy in the pharmacie - they might not do any good but then again, they might and might make you feel better without resorting to anti-depressants. Sending you virtual hugs and good vibes xxx

Hello, I am here! I had to go away for a few days because I was really bad in depression. I had to get out. The moment I got out of bed I was crying, it was bad. I don’t know why but the mornings are the worst. I feel a it’ll be hard to go back to Toulouse but I must… I return tomarrow.



Believe me I had to do all the things you suggested. I will explain more later. The association that has helped me the most has been FFEP, an assosiation for women! They are the ones who found me my lawyer who saved me from being kicked out of my appartment and got me the aide juriditionelle.



My family-in-law are far from any help! They are the ones feeding him his anger, I’m sure. In fact the mother had problems with her husband’s family and they both decided to cut all ties to a whole side of their family, it has beed 10 years since they have talked! And they are now incouraging him to do the same to me! I have had it bad.