This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of
staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.
Dear Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
in
1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video
I
have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were
with
contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I
am
watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the
government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am
and
will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I
die.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the
one
with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s
on
my NHS insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports
I’ve
had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years,
and
all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and
the
electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords
and
masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
Maidenhead
on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was
Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if
that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between
you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my
house,
then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of
Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture… Do I look like
Bin
Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just
want
to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury
and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last
one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so
complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the
issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn
easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the
place
like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm
that
it’s really me on the goddamn picture - you know… the one where we’re
not
allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? 'Cause we’re totally pissed off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security
clearances,
which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the
Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I
have
been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left
the
Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am
-
you know, someone like my doctor…who, before he got his medical degree
6
months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Having worked alongside UKBA for a while I can honestly say that the letter does not go anywhere near far enough into how incompetant the system really is.
bally brilliant, the lunatics have well and truly taken over.
Superb!!! This had me chuckling all the way through!!
What a palaver! I had to get a French passport for my son recently and it was a pretty painless process really. And cheap!
Absolutely brilliant!! It would be even funnier if the authorities weren’t so pathetic…your comments are so, so true.