British Passport


(jayne watkins) #1

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of


staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.








Dear Minister,


I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to


understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.





How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and


telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back


in


1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on


what date?





How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every


Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video


I


have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you


still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were


with


contractors working for the government?





How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I


am


watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the


government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am


and


will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I


die.


Do you people do this by hand?





You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the


one


with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s


on


my NHS insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports


I’ve


had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out


before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years,


and


all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and


the


electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords


and


masters are up for re-election.





Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in


Maidenhead


on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was


Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if


that ever changed between now and the day I die!





I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between


you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my


house,


then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of


Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture… Do I look like


Bin


Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just


want


to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of


week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.





Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury


and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last


one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so


complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the


issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn


easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the


place


like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm


that


it’s really me on the goddamn picture - you know… the one where we’re


not


allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!


Hey, you know why we can’t smile? 'Cause we’re totally pissed off!





I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten


years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security


clearances,


which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the


Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I


have


been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left


the


Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am


-


you know, someone like my doctor…who, before he got his medical degree


6


months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…





Yours sincerely,


An Irate British Citizen.


(Pete pilbeam) #2

Having worked alongside UKBA for a while I can honestly say that the letter does not go anywhere near far enough into how incompetant the system really is.


(Sandie Walpole) #3

bally brilliant, the lunatics have well and truly taken over.


(Kerri Hazell) #4

Superb!!! This had me chuckling all the way through!!


(Sarah Hague) #5

What a palaver! I had to get a French passport for my son recently and it was a pretty painless process really. And cheap!


(Phil Espley) #6

Absolutely brilliant!! It would be even funnier if the authorities weren’t so pathetic…your comments are so, so true.