British Passport

This was actually taken from a UK passport application and a member of

staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to

understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and

telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back


1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on

what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every

Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video


have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you

still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were


contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I


watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the

government run Premium Bonds they have no idea I have won or where I am


will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim before I


Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the


with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s


my NHS insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports


had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out

before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years,


all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and


electoral registration forms I have to complete, every time our lords


masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in


on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was

Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if

that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between

you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my


then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of

Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture… Do I look like


Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just


to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of

week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury

and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last

one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so

complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the

issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn

easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the


like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm


it’s really me on the goddamn picture - you know… the one where we’re


allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? 'Cause we’re totally pissed off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten

years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security


which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the

Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I


been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left


Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am


you know, someone like my doctor…who, before he got his medical degree



Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

Having worked alongside UKBA for a while I can honestly say that the letter does not go anywhere near far enough into how incompetant the system really is.

bally brilliant, the lunatics have well and truly taken over.

Superb!!! This had me chuckling all the way through!!

What a palaver! I had to get a French passport for my son recently and it was a pretty painless process really. And cheap!

Absolutely brilliant!! It would be even funnier if the authorities weren’t so pathetic…your comments are so, so true.