P.S. I didn't assume you didn't have any personal experience with hyperactive children...and if indeed you have had then I am more than willing to hear your views...
do you have any friends you are close to who will take him for a night so you can get a good sleep?? You sound as if you are doing amazingly well but need a day/night off.... or if someone will take him for you for a few hours during the day so you can sleep...... whereabouts are you Ingrid?
Gretchen I'm not in the slightest bit cross...oh dear...it's terribly difficult having a debate in the written word!! I seem to come across as snappy and aggressive, when in fact, with age I've just become very frank. I should probably try and change my online debating style! I don't bear you any ill will at all Gretchen and happy new year xx
...and....we're off!!!!
Dear Gretchen, and dear Brian, hyperactivity runs in the male line of my family on my father's side. Without going into detail, my son was diagnosed hyperactive. I was always in the headmistress's or headmaster's office ("may we have a word about Ollie please Mrs Levine?") and was attacked verbally by mothers with their "perfect" parental skills, one of whom told me that my son would finish up as one of the American "high school" killers!! Can you imagine how hurtful that is?
I will listen to anything that anyone who has actually lived with and brought up a hyperactive child has to say. I'm just not interested in listening to people who have no direct experience of hyperactivity. Sorry, nothing personal, but Ollie and I went through a lot together when he was younger and I protected him like a tigress. He can still be "eccentric" shall we say, but with puberty came a change (very common with hyperactive children because of the change in brain chemistry at puberty). In any case, people can be very cruel, strangely other mothers can be the most wicked. I'm so lucky that I have great parents and a fantastic family who are not afraid to accept certain truths and who just get on with it. That's my tuppence worth.
For heaven's sake Ingrid darling don't apologise!! I think it's jolly noble of you to answer everyone personally...what a sweetheart you must be. I just feel so badly for you and you're all alone...one should never be alone like that...if you want to chat just call. I'll give you my number if you like. We're all in the same boat really...we all do our best but we can't control every bloody thing and it's not your fault. The thing is to get things sorted and I'm here to help in whatever way I can. i'm sure many of the others feel the same. If you were at home with me now I'd be very English and make you a nice cup of tea (with a big glug of whisky added hehe!) x
Many people do not realise that sleep deprivation is the worst kind of torture there is. It really sounds like you need to get some professional and experienced advice on this, and quickly. Don't suffer on your own, there is plenty of caring and free advice out there ( see below)
The first thing to check first however is whether has he been expriencing night terrors but is unable to explain it? Has he got a medical condition that prevents him from sleeping? If both these issues have been addressed then my personal advice would be to ensure that he is kept extremely physically active during the day and a regular, bath, story and bed routine kept to religiously. There is a great site ( run by myself) with a community attached, where you may well find good parental advice from those that care and have enormous parenting experience. Here's the link for the site:
Natural Mothers Network you'll find a connect to the community in the right hand side bar. Here's the facebook page
Wishing you the best in your quest for a solution!
Becky x
My POOR dear...my mum went thru 2 years of this because of me!! They gave me something to make me sleep, I got used to it, so they gave it to my mum!!.........Check up on essential oils and if Frankincense and Lavender oils are safe for babies, you could drip some on any radiators or bedlinen. It seems to have had some success. Frankinsence calms down the breathing rate and Lavender sends them off to sleep. have a go. ... If not, escholtzia helped me to sleep. It's a legal form of homeopathic opium that you can get from French pharmacies. Good luck x
Hi Ingrid - gosh that sounds expensive!! We are based in Savoie in a little village at the end of the road. Maybe there is a lack of Assistante Maternelles where you are, so they can charge higher? Or maybe you have been talking to babysitters rather than professional assistante maternelles, who might have different price structures. I don't know much about such things except from my own experience, maybe some of the other mothers here have more advice to give you?
Anyway, if you go to the Mairie they should be able to give you a 'Liste des assistantes maternelles par commune' with all the nounous listed out then you can give them all a ring and see if any suit you. If they don't have a list then ask them where to find your local:
- le service petite enfance de votre mairie,
- le service de PMI de votre ville,
- le relais assistante maternelle (RAM) de votre ville
and one of those should be able to give you a list. I got mine through our PMI, which is where you go to get your baby weighed and checked out during the first two years.
There's also the CAF linked website:
http://www.mon-enfant.fr/web/guest/modes-garde/presentation
which says about how to go about employing nounou etc.
And I found this website which has some info about tarifs and how to go about employing an assistante maternelle, how to claim back money etc.
http://www.assistante-maternelle.biz/emploi_assistante_maternelle.html
If you do find a nounou who's reasonably priced and you are stuck with the paperwork, PM me and I might be able to help. I had to do it all a couple of years ago and seem to remember it was a little bit confusing! Of course I've forgotten it all now, but would surely be able to help!!
Good luck to you - Mel :)
I know how hard it is to be on your own, my husband worked away for the first 14 months of my son's live and I didn't have the support network I have now and I went through my eldest having nightmares on my own. My eldest, having always been a good sleeper went through a phase of waking up and while taking them into bed is the easiest answer (I did it with my little one who, for health reasons didn't sleep through the night for 18 months) I do firmly believe that they have to be taught to calm themselves down. However, saying that I don't believe either in just letting them cry - if they are upset they need help. Howerer, there is no quick fix. A good bedtime routine is essential. For my eldest when he woke up I went into him, settled him down and as soon as he was calm went out of the room. Obviously he started crying again so I counted to 20 and went back again, settled him and as soon as he was calm went out again. I then left him for 30 before leaving him out. Also I gradually cut down the time I spent settling him down... Each time I left him for a longer count. The first night it took 2.5 hours before he settled, the second 1.5 and 1 hr the third and then after that he was sorted. It was my hybrid version of controlled crying and the walk-in walk-out methods... I couldn't leave him for as long as was recommended by the people who advocate controlled crying. I think that I did something like this on the little one when his health got better and I could leave him without him being sick. Good luck and I hope things get better and you both get some sleep.
Thanks to everyone for your kind support and suggestions x
Thanks Ashling x
thanks Hillary - will try x
Ingrid,
If you havent been to Angola yet, feel free to contact me in case I can give any advice on what to bring/expect/not expect - eg lettuce is $14 a head in the expat supermarket but a bit hard to bring in :-) while booze and cigarettes are fairly cheap
Over do bringing in medicines unless your husband is a rotator (though this is unlikely if you are coming here to live)- though you can get a lot of stuff here, it is often Chinese counterfeit medicine .
There are no English bookshops in the country so if you are a reader, buy a Kindle before you come over. I can get you lots of free books for it. voltage and plugs are the same as Europe but the wi-fi wont work here (though there are ways around it)
Effectively no mail system here so make sure you have a gmail account (or equivalent ) set up before you come over and have everyone's email addresses.
Bring lots of rechargeable batteries and rechargers as they are hard to get here
Try to bring in a few thousand US$ in cash (euros hard to change) but make sure they are new notes as they wont accept old ones
Dont let me frighten you off but get in touch if I can help
Where in Angola are you moving to and who does your partner work for
Steve (and apologies if I sound pushy)
thanks Jane... I am listening but a bit too tired to comment...
They may not mind the noise of a child crying - I tend to over scold myself for things beyond my control so not sure i fyou are like that too but I have really tried to learn only to scold myself when I know I'm upsetting people so if they don't say they're upset take them off your list of worries! The one lesson I have really learned and that is perfectly illustrated here is that everybody has a different answer/method and that all of these competing methods haev been used for years and proiduced a huge variety of completely different adults. It must be so tough being on your own so don't make it harder than it needs to be and do what works best for you. If that is letting the baby cry out (which absoilutely never worked for me) then do that, if it is rocking, dancing , singing, playing and then both falling asleep together at 6am (which worked for me a few times) then do that. Do the thing that keeps you closest to sane because the happier you are the happier your baby will be and use other moments when you're feeling less emotional and vulnerable to show him who is boss - like saying no to more htan one dvd or wahtever. When my oldest went through a phase of refusing to sleep without me i bought her a lovely doll that she really wanted, put it in her sight but out of reach and told her she could have it as soon as she went to sleep on her own fopr 7 nights in a row and had a sticker chart. The tears stopped immediately - she wanted something more than she wanted to win her nightly struggle with me. i tried the same trick with daughter 2 and the little minx slept perfectly well 7 nights in a row, got her book and then went back to not sleeping!! You can't win them all. Sometimes it feels like you're not winning any but you'll get through this same as you got through teething and gastros and when you do get through it you and your child will know each other a little better again and will have learnt another way to solve a problem/find a compromise. I know that won't help at 1.20 in the morning but if it does help you can imagine me - I'll probably be sitting on the floor next to Phoebe's bed hoding her hand as she no longer lets me in the bed with her, wondering how numb my bum will be when she finally nods off and feeling a total mug for letting her get away with it! Take care and hang in there. May be worth contacting www.message.org which is a group of anglophone mums to see if they have anything in your area. you'd be amazed how a coffee with another mum having the same problem (or worse) makes everything seem better. My youngest goes to a halte garderie 3 half days a week which gives me a bit of spare time - they are very reasonably priced :) xx
wow Gretchen - don't know what to say - I am so lost
thanks Brian x
Thanks Jane x
Thanks Gretchen
I have been co-sleeping with my son since birth but i cannot sleep with him in my bed any more - every movement or moan wakes me so I have put him in his own bed - but when h was ill he slept with me and I did not sleep for 5 nights so I need him to sleep away from me.
I hate to think that I am making him cry - you may be right but I don't know how to deal with it and my eyes are going fuzzy right now just replying to all the kind comments from everyone x
Happy New Year to you too Lis x
he slept through the night before...