I can cope!

As my wife and teapot lids prepared to leave for a 10 day stay back in the Old Country...Michelle ( cooking, cleaning, washing lady as we call her ) read out a list, which she had prepared, along with Post it notes labelling the white kitchen boxes, the animals' cages and their dietary requirements etc.

"Fill the mouse" she began ( I'm thinking, what the hell with ? ) " Phil ( named after a character in a TV programme for the hard of understanding ) "awight? " has a fist-full of crunklies and gets watered daily...the fish, the cats etc all sporting their Post it's had all been catalogued, and I have been given a strict Rosta, measuring cups etc. with the explicit instruction NOT to let anything die.

The dining room table has several neat piles of papers and instructions, pre-written cheques, stamped envelopes, etc. bless her. She also left me with full set of undergarments ( with post it's ) a stocked fridge, list of contact numbers....stop fussing Dear, I used to fend for my self in Lunnon, for crumpet's sakes...

So, I dropped them off at the Ryan-cattle-truck-in-the-sky-port, returned to Base, leaving the car lights on....like you do.

Well, it's been steadily downhill ever since, but luckily we have Basefook to exchange messages such as "I've run out of milk... I've run out of toilet tissue" etc. anyroad I set my self up at the Mac...setting up a game of Russian Roulette, surrounding myself with 8 cans of flat Coke, one secreting the fag butt, and continued my research for my book on "Pawn in the Front-line"....and so to bed.

I awoke with a flat battery..don't panic I thought, you can sort this, so I dooshed and then had a Cataclysmic wardrobe malfunction. I was buck nekkid apart from sporting a sizeable pair of designer open toe-ed beach foot-ware, Philipe Follope's own label...got into 'Flamingo position' ready to thrust leg into aperture left. I missed, and subsequently crashed into my Mac and row of and Coke/ashtray/cans, dousing my system, speakers and keyboard and sending a Mug crashing onto the floor which bounced and shed it's cold coffee content into the blow heater. It does still work although it crackles, pops and steams, giving off a not unpleasant Arabica Aroma.

I busied myself mopping, gluing and hanging up my Rosta sheets to dry, when I smelled the stench of burning flesh... Don't burn the kitchen down! love. Well that was the home made chicken soup down the swanny...

I have had a lot of help from my FB chums " Eat Cake, lol" etc. and I am slowly getting it together...I have the first layer of filth removed ...2 baguettes...a cartoosh of fags. I have the coffee stained best white shirt is in soak, and the white box that does the dishes is whiring. I have counted the animals...no deaths to date. What else can go wrong?

I shall report in from time to time with updates, in the meantime, if anyone has any handy hints on 'staying alive' please let me know...what's that smell?

Still Alive! Yup, I done it. 10 days and I Survived France. No dead animals...in fact I think we have gained one, don't know where it's from but I have been feeding it ( no Gabs it's not a puppy ) . The place is spotless...you could eat your dinner off the floor which is basically what I have been doing this last week or so. The machines in the kitchen are whizzin' round and round, I have unstuck the frigo door ( it was egg ) I have milk, 2 baguettes for the 'arrival'. Not a lot of food in, last night I thought about concocting a meal...but what do you do with a tin of Lychees, tin of Beans and a jar of Gherkins?.... easy...beans on toast ( hold the toast ) side order of Gherkins and a Lychee chaser....mhhmmmm! I'm ok as a cook, sort of Heston meets Service Station.

The gang arose @ 5 am to catch the Geordie Shuttle to Brizol, 2 hour wait, then back to Béziers, where I will be waiting, you know with one of those placards... 'The Birks' .... Missed you! welcome home.

Dear Shirley,

It smells in here! As to the armoury of machines you mention, it's all knobs and twisty things...

I think I know what the smell is.

it's no good, I shall have to re-title this 'I can't cope!'

I shouldn't have been multi-tasking.... it's not even a pleasant 'fresh baked' bread smell, more of a forest fire stench....

I cut off the top...only to find my bottom was also scorched. TSK

it ....errr....crispy?

This looking after your self is a doddle! I've even started baking my own bread.![](upload://5f27wuPuDODc0eWy3XUk0TZ12oN.jpeg)



I am not dead, repeat I am not dead. Coping quite well, thank you. I’m even baking bread, pix to follow.

I wouldn’t say it was a mess, just that if it was a restaurant they’d close it down, and that’s just my tea-shirt!

highly dangerous Elizabeth. It is a sad fact that in our house the word "ASHTRAY!".....is pitched at the soncic level designed to melt fillings..

Ron whatever you do, do not drink from coke ashtray can - driving down M1 one day when took swig out of coke bottle unaware that the previous week my friend had used it as her ashtray and several fag ends had been maturing in it - god I thought I had been poisoned - wondered how the hell weedkiller had found its way into my bottle of coke - almost caused a major pile up!!!

He he...I am very lucky, Michelle is wonderful, and bit by bit I have relinquished administrative responsibilities financial etc. to her. Only that it makes sense, given our age differences. I do feel as if I have earned a rest..at least from the stress-giving, having nigh-on killed myself creating a lifestyle we all can all enjoy. We too make a good team, Michelle does everything and I just sits. No, I do a bit......and am a brilliant ( but messy I'm told? ) cook.

S*d it just broken a tooth opening me Beer.

As to 'get me the Flicker!' mmmm I'm just bone idle

Ha Ha...I've sorted the joint;..sweet ' sour Pork Balls...rest in the Freezer. You are quite right Celeste...."The pass me the TV Flicker' syndome' is a malaise......But Michelle is so good at knowing where things are ...everything ...all the bits and bobsI leave around. I stress that she is 20 years younger and her eysight is better than mine "Where's me s*ddin' Glasses?"

"On yer s*ddin Head!"


Happy Easter

@celeste, I have just had a Tweet from her sister, saying Michelle is in the pub, getting drunk...bless, she is a bit of a light weight, good on her!. You are quite right, I am spoiled and useless. I have, however now got a semblance of order together, relatively clean, I will shave tomorrow.... and possibly eat. I am bit by bit working out how these machines, work ( the coffee thing is great ). I do take your points on board, although I thought useless clingon ( Klingon? ) was a little harsh, but very funny...I do have a family sized joint of pork that I'm not sure what to do with.