I’VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO’S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco’s store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tesco’s
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends… it will be their laugh for the day.
Great stuff, Graham, and it’s even better second time round 
Thanks for this… today is a particularly difficult day… and I need all the chuckles I can get… 
Oh Stella I hope things sort out soon x
Courage Stella !
Brilliant Graham, give us more, but ideally, first thing, great start to the day Mate 
Oh Graham, you do know how to tell em.
What a wonderful tale. I’ve had to stop and wipe my eyes three times just to be able to read to the end. I hav’nt laughed so much in weeks. Thank You seems rather inadequate.
Just read it again, I can never remember jokes, wish I could, be a good thread for someone with a better memory to start, on another forum, there is a Fella posts ‘one for the weekend’, on Fridays.
Really, I’m just a mischievous raconteur… 
And a very amusing one Graham 
Just been on the phone to my mate in Cumbria, told him the story Graham, His Mrs thought he had had bad news, with the tears streaming down his face!
Thank you for making me howl with laughter - what a great end to the week! Have a great weekend everyone
Excellent, I have to say that your story has really made me chuckle, so thanks for that! As for being banned from tesco, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep, they were selling horse burgers passing them off as beef not too long ago! Have a good day
Brilliant
You’re a man after my own heart! And the ban from Tesco can only be a bonus
OMGosh This is the funniest thing I have heard in ages. Got hiccups even laughing. Still got them.
Was this all in your best francais…?
When I was last in Tescos the woman in front of me dropped dead - she was really unlucky as she had just bought a Bag for Life!
I passed this story on to my brother in the UK.
He tells me he’s been banned from Tesco’s as well! He said that when he and his OH went shopping, they eventually reached the checkouts and loaded the items onto the conveyor belt. When all the items had been scanned, his OH paid by card and then the till drawer opened. At this moment he reached over and placed his hand into the cash drawer.
” Eh!” shouted the checkout assistant, "what the hell do you think you’re doing?” “Following doctors orders” he replied. “He said some change would be good for me”.
It was embarrassing being escorted out of the store in front of all the customers, and told not to return!!!