It’s a very vexed question indeed, Hillary. Many old people want to die at home, in familiar surroundings. But to do so may put solitary family members in the position of having to supply the care they need: an insupportable burden in every way: physically, emotionally and financially. In my very limited experience here in rural France I have come across local people facing this responsibility, with very little support. And support which lacks quality and consistency, through no fault of the agency carers who struggle to provide help against the odds.
There are lots of elderly frail people in our small town who wander the streets aimlessly, and live alone. They go into shops to buy a packet of biscuits or a bottle of water, desperate for human contact. People are kind and accommodating, but such lives are sterile. What to do? I wish I knew. At 80, and à foreign newcomer, I am not well placed to offer anything much, though I try to be neighbourly especially to people who live alone.
I do sometimes think euthanasia should be an informed and voluntary way out for those who choose it, even if they do so in order that their elderly children can find some later life fulfilment, and not have try to do the impossible, and often deeply unrewarding sacrificial duty of care.
I appreciate your thoughts. Although I sometimes ponder the suitability of such topics on SFN, they do seem to me to be very relevant to engaged and committed life here in our adopted homeland, and are a useful counterpoint to the light-hearted and hedonistic, to which I also like to contribute, and enjoy consuming.
Hi Peter,
The Acting profession seems to have got their homes for the elderly about right…see this link https://www.denvillehall.org.uk/ and have you seen the film ‘Quartet’…If it was like that I’d sign up in a heartbeat…
Perhaps in your (more rural) ‘neck of the woods’, it is a problem but I live close to Creysse and Bergerac, where there are plenty of Associations dedicated to the’ les Plus Belle Age’…which offer support and also life is easier, if you have the kind of neighbours who notice if you haven’t been seen working in the garden, etc., so I do think it is a good idea to try to relocate to at least the edge of a small town and get to know a few people before one becomes really infirm or immobile. I am one of the 1950’s women, so still in my 60’s (with a few health issues tho’) an living on a very restricted income (as my state pension has been high-jacked twice), but I have managed to afford to join some activities…T’ai Chi…Choir (although like many other members we are non believers,( just there for the music and a bit of contact with the French, English, Scots & Dutch members )…I think if one is in a more rural community, it has to be a big responsibility of the Commune surely ? There should be a dedicated outreach team, to check on the most vulnerable and give regular support…If it’s not there, then it needs to be campaigned for…
Very inspiring and upbeat comments, Hilary, for which many thanks. We do, my wife and I, live 500.metres from the centre of our small (pop. 3000) commune/Town, which is remarkably well-resourced for its size, and we have lovely neighbours most of whom are well into their 70s, but active and sprightly. Even younger people who live outside the town tend to move in as their children grow up, as rural isolation works against integration at all ages, it seems.
I’m just back from the Mairie… while I was there an elderly lady phoned. She explained that she needed some yellow sacks (recyling) and didn’t feel up to the walk into the village.
No problem, said the Secretaire… La Poste hasn’t been yet, I’ll give her 2 packs to pop in to you…
That is so typical of how things work in a caring community… and they do exist all over France…
My mother is bed-ridden and recently has had to make the choice of staying in her own home or moving into a care home. At first the care option seemed to be the better choice for the reasons that you mentioned. However based upon conversations with work colleagues and friends’ experiences, it is not an option that I could recommend. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for patients in a care home to be left alone virtually all day. They have had little control over things like the TV (mostly left on loud all day), lights out, meal choice etc. Additionally the level of personal care has left a lot to be desired. The fact is that - at least in the UK - care home staff are underpaid, overworked and cannot spend any significant time with one person.
In contrast, my mother who has decided to remain in her own home, has 2 live-in carers who rotate on a weekly basis. They are assisted by a further carer who comes 4 times a day. She has complete freedom (within reason) over choice and times of her food and drink, the TV, the heating , whether she wants company with her or not, etc. As she is in her own home, she also of course has her own phone. Friends and family are free to visit at any time and even stay over.
The big drawback is the cost - around £1000 a week which fortunately is not an issue for her.
I have made my wished clear to my family, that if I were in the same position, then I would go for a one way trip to Switzerland.
@Hilary_Jane_Dunk Except that Denville Hall costs over £1000 a week, and has been criticised by care quality commission for failures in the way they look after their residents…so I’m not sure that the majority of actors could manage that? It seems that if you have money things are easier - as ever.
I have a vague idea about selling everything and going to live in a hotel for the rest of my days… after all, why own property in your old age (if you have no children nor heirs). Far better to cash in and rent - roof has a leak, you call the landlord … somebody noisy next door, you move … motorway being built at the end of your garden, you move … Mr. H. says if anything happened to me he’d sell everything and move to Thailand or somewhere cheap and live like a king on very little.
Neighbours did just what you are talking about. They had a very large house and lots of land. Sold the lot about 10 years ago and moved nearer to their sons, renting a smaller, more suitable property. The funds released by the Sale made a great difference to their lives…both are now late 80’s and still doing well.
One of my colleagues always fancied seeing out her days on a cruise ship. She got the idea after talking to several elderly ladies who were doing just that. They had every comfort and the basic necessities to hand, the costs were favourable when compared to care homes and the cooking was better.
Hope I don’t end up in one, my experience in the UK, of homes, was delivering papers to one when a kid, abiding memory a stink of pee!
In Portugal my Doc was also a friend, I used to go with Him when He visited a local State Home, it was immaculate, really pleasant bright place, pleasant staff, and the food was so good, we used to have lunch with the residents, Juan told me the place was typical.
Our UK neighbours seem to almost be doing that - when you go on enough of the things they throw no end of cheap deals at you.
However it leaves us with the delicate task of working out how to point out that their garden is becoming overgrown to the point of being an eyesore without causing offence - apparently although they can afford to go on multiple cruises they “can’t afford” a gardener.
I have seriously looked at my “sell by date” and looked into self aided termination decisions. A trip to Switzerland is just not that easy, it also is expensive to take this self aided termination decision and there is still the resulting cost of transport of one’s remains to a designated area of disposal. It quite frankly worried me that although I would take this decision as it would be mine to take it was not that simple due to the mileage to be undertaken. If they bring the right of aided termination into France I would consider it rather than meander away in some blasted home anywhere in the world. If I cannot be of use of some sort then for me personally I do not see the point in continuing. I have come to the conclusion that here in Brittany it is a matter of resources that determine the level of care that you receive as an elderly person - the same as in the UK.
There is however more likelihood of being visited often and cared for if one has joined societies etc., and I have seen people of all ages visiting the elderly here.
