We've been here before David.
It's been a great place to bring up a family, experience excellent times with friends, enjoy super cultural and sporting events and utilise an amazing health service. Thank you France.
Christina, it sounds like you got it all wrong. It is not you that is inadequate, or a failure. It is the oppressive, backward and insular country. Psychological help LOL you should ask for you money back. I never read long post but I did not want yours to end. As I read the post I could feel the weight lifting off of the words and something like a beautiful butterfly emerging. You did the right thing and you wanted to do it, it is done good for you. If the husband never comes to the US you will handle that too. More people should realize that France is a great place to go on vacation.
Well done, Cristina for taking positive action and making the most of your gifts and talents.
Living in France was not to be, but so what? Why fight an impossible situation? You owe nothing to France so best to put what happened down to experience and get on with living a happy, fruitful life. Sounds like you're on the right track. :)
Best of luck to you, you sound like you're off to a good re-start. If this was meant to be, (N'Orleans), then you had to have 'failed' in FR to follow the path of happiness, so then was it a failure? This path, the path of happiness was stronger and won out. Sounds like a victory to me. Well done!! Thanks for letting us all know what you're up to :D
Thanks for that lovely long update Cristina. So happy for you. I think you have definitely done the right thing. Career-wise especially. I am excited for both of you. Best of luck and I hope it all works out. Keep us posted! x
Hello everyone,
Thanks to whoever posted this on FB, I will admit I had not signed in for ages though I continue to read updates and stories when they get shared on social media.
First of all, huge thanks to everyone who took the time to read and to post. All of the feedback, suggestions and support were very valuable. Shout out to Danielle Robins whose support and skype calls were crucial in me accepting to get psychological help, which was much needed. Thank you again to all that have continued to write and wondered what had happened.
I left FR last July. Over the course of the last year there, I had sent out between 100-120 different CVs and cover letters, even gone in person (and not only in Rouen, but other places as well), and got very few replies (if any), and all were negative. The factor that pushed me over the edge was getting denied a bilingual secretary job (which was never a huge aspiration anyways but was so desperate I would have taken anything else) because a 4 year degree didn't count because I didn't have a 4 month secretarial CAP, but at no point did anyone ask for any kind of credentials to just "make up" a class in the Master Langues Etrangeres Appliques...
After much discussion, we made a decision to leave because my husband was beyond fed up with his own situation as well, and within a month I sent out 5 CVs back in the US, had phone or skype interviews for all of them, and was offered a full time position starting 3 weeks from the interview date. We sold as many of our things as we could, and I arrived mid July to start working beginning of August.
I am now working in the admissions department of a French immersion elementary school in New Orleans, using my language skills for something other than teaching who adults who could probably care less, and being challenged daily with new and exciting meaningful tasks. I am making more on my own than we did both of us in FR, and my position has already evolved so much more in 6 months than it ever did back in Normandy (there are even rumors of 2 departments merging, and some of our job titles being adapted/promoted). I had to catch up really quickly on so much new technology, I could tell I had been "away" for those five years coming back and not knowing any of the new programs or apps used in education (or even just regular life, I had no idea how to sign on an ipad when purchasing my new phone, the whole store looked at me as if I were crazy!).
The "shotgun" wedding had nothing to do with me and my partner not caring enough for each other, but more with the system and the trauma of being robbed of a meaningful family event that most people probably take for granted. With the help I got from the therapy sessions I started in FR (and which I fully intend to continue here, starting next month), we worked through our issues and pinpointed our individual and common goals. I came first and started my new career here to set everything up for the visa petition process (which is perhaps stricter than in FR for certain things), and he stayed back to enroll in a pastry chef course, something he has always dreamed of doing but never had the time, support or resources to do. So we are waiting on the visa process while he takes the course, and even though being apart since December (after he came to visit for 2 months and loved it here) till probably July or August is really rough and I don't recommend it to anyone, the fact that we have new goals and that in such short time we've accomplished so much that brings us individual and mutual happiness, excitement and satisfaction is also helping us grow into better people and a better couple.
I have yet to come to terms with my "failure in France", and it's still excruciatingly painful and sad to me. I have tried to find comfort saying that I had to leave due to "irreconcilable differences" that were definitely causing more damage than good, and that it was not worth fighting so much for something that was just a bad fit. My professional expectations would not have been filled, and again, this is just in my case, and perhaps for others it works out. I just could not envision myself being a bilingual secretary making 1,200 a month for the rest of my life with no possibility for career evolution, nor being expected to actually want that, or else just "giving up" like I'd seen other foreign women married to FR men and just start having babies, because while this may be fulfilling and beautiful to others, I personally am not ready to just focus on that without having fulfilled more of my own personal goals.
I have always been in love with this city (New Orleans) which, despite it's problems and imperfections, is the epitome of kindness and joy in the face of grave adversity... and this healed many feelings of inadequacy beyond what words can describe. I have met beautiful, generous, and accepting people, and am beginning to feel free to be "weird" and "unique" again. I am no longer chronically sick, and ofter have to narrow down options on what do on weekdays or weekends because there are so many events, dances, festivals, and other social happenings that it's hard to figure out what to do! I am infinitely grateful to see the sun again, to wear sandals again, to be able to strike up conversations with random people on the bus every day, to hear people playing live music all of the time... but most of all, to slowly re-love myself and rediscover my own personal potential, when in the right environment, and how a few very huge, scary decisions can make OUR lives so much more promising. Words cannot describe the feeling of being hopeful again, to be excited to go to work every day, and to watch your partner "s'epannouir" in the way he never thought he could with all the new potential for our future.
I apologize for being MIA, and please know that I value this community enormously. I am still not fully "healed" and often find myself apologizing for my personal "inadequacies" of not being "good enough" for FR or what I perceived to be "expected of me". It is hard to convince myself that I'm not garbage because I didn't make it, and it wasn't for lack of trying. I guess there just comes a point where you have to accept that no amount of fighting for something will save it if it's just not meant to be.
Thank you to all who posted and asked how things were. Writing this in itself helps. You guys have been awesome and I don't know what I would have done without the support!
Here's a blog I found of Patricia B, an American, (I think from California), now living in Montpelier. She has things to share about living in France, and her interests lie in things to do and beauty products, i.e.: Make-up/skin care. She's young, married, and has 2 kids. I let her know about SFN, so maybe she'll be joining us some day. Happy viewing :D
Hello Cristina,
I see that there has been some activity on this thread lately. I think I might have posted some words of encouragement even, but it's been so long...... I am curious as to how you're getting along, whatever happened? 6839 views on this at this moment. Could I be the only one who cares enough to ask the above question? Probably not. I think we are all people people or we wouldn't be on this forum. So please write us a wee update :D Hope all is well with you and your family.
Kirsten
I guess that as she hasn't posted in over 18 months she's :- now all sorted/gone back to the US/ended it all. ???
You may find some help on the Feeling lonely -go on admit it! chat on this forum started a few weeks ago. You are certainly not alone in your isolationist (if thst is the right word) feelings.
Hello Christina
One area that is always recruiting is software development, and they are desperate!! You can retrain easily to learn to code using MOOCs. The government has also put in place retraining measures for those who want to learn to code.
Here I am at 52 learning a coding language called Python. I'm crap at maths and yet, I'm coping and enjoying it. You don't need to be good at maths to learn to code. Once I've mastered Python, I can learn Java and/or PHP and there will be jobs to be had.
This is not a quick-fix solution, but it will be fruitful if you stick at it. Python is the easiest language out there which is why I'm starting with that, and I can only recommend that you and/or your husband give it a go too.
Codeacademy.com and Coursera.org both do excellent Python courses for total and absolute beginners who are crap, or not, at maths. Both are free, but you can get a certificate from Coursera by paying.
Dear Christina, I wonder how you are getting on? I only just came across your post but I still really want to offer words of encouragement. I hope you have been able to take this situation in your own two hands and believe that you are a capable woman who will find the right solution because it is out there. It is healthy to have doubts, don’t worry about that, that is the only way we can truly assess a situation. I firmly believe that once you picture what kind of life you want in France you will be able to get it. I read a very life affirming book called Manifesto by the barefoot doctor. Some of the terminology is a bit crass but the overall message is very strong. I wish you the best - go and get it! Karim
Madame Bovary comes to mind...........
Great place to breath, be outdoors, swim , climb, walk, ski.....escape the crowds, drive on open roads, people watch....live your life....:-)
Fantastic place to write or read a book, or some poetry. To paint. To enjoy its sublime and varied countryside. To drive a convertible in the sun on open roads. To enjoy the birth of a child and to watch her develop. Above all a great place to escape some of the less attractive features and people of the UK.
Great place to raise a family too.
I have said it once and I will say it again and again, "France is a great place to go for a nice vacation".
Just passing through... Sorry if this comment looks all wrong...just a response on a first impression..ie...your first comment is about a kind of shotgun wedding, and as described..it sounds...destined to fail. Perhaps your friend/partner, feels as miserable as you do.about that....Try going separate ways? Time to quit?
People....we rarely really know them as they hardly ever show their true colours.
I have known thousands of people during my life time.....most of them aquiantances and the true friends are very few.
the people who care keep in touch and show the identity of the friendship. These are special people...wherever they are and never
let them down.
But as far as work is concerned...explore new avenues...as I said a
few days ago....not sure if you noticed my posting.
In London we were restauranters here we provide a holiday home
and we have been developing a concierge service.
Our clients are enjoying activities outside the property....a patisserie course run by a Frenchman who spent time Uk and came back to France
to open a Patisserie with his family. We offer vineyard visit tour with picnic on a farm...the clients are picked up and return to their residence.
I am working on other things to add....but focusing on what people love
not what I want people to love.
So...I am saying to you explore...spend your time finding a way of using your skills and energy applying them in a new direction.
Extend beyond teaching...
You may be told....just as I am [often] that your idea is silly....
but keep searching and believing in yourself.
Very often the people who scorn you are lost themselves.
Find yourself....
Find new friends and new opportunities.