This may be a little specialised…
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a
breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 -year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s
socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs on to Bob’s arm and
listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “What girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
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Joke-overload:
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
My goal for 2023 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza… OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember…Don’t sing!
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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“Sure, he’s big. But can he manipulate humans like we do?”
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That rings a errr cloche with me. 
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Posted that one a while back, always good to see the best ones again 
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Hopefully I have the defence of before my time 
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While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
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