Somehow this seems appropriate here.
The real reason Adam and Eve were put out of the Garden of Eden is because they didn’t read the Apple small print.
Bob and Jim went to an agricultural fair. Passing the farm equipment tent Bob asked Jim if he wanted to go in. Jim said “No thanks. I used to love farm machinery but I’ve really gone off it”. Then passing the bbq tent, they saw that the tent had caught fire, there was smoke everywhere and everyone was panicking. Jim went up to the door of the tent and took a huge breath in - clearing all the smoke! Everyone was amazed and asked how he’d done it. “Easy” said Bob “he’s an ex-tractor fan”.
That’s so bad it’s almost funny.
Or someone that doesn’t like tractors anymore
I’ll get my coat …
Don’t forget your trailer…
A woman walked into a bar and asked for an innuendo, so the barman gave her one.
I’ve already got my coat.
Take your coat off again Vero, you’ll do nicely.
I’ve been trying to stop making innuendos, but it’s really hard.
That is very good Johnboy. Sadly it is true.
A Little Christmas Story…
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor…
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…
I have neglected things recently, so…
**I have been clearing my email box and found this from 2007!
*My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. *
*It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up *
*with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of *
*cooked **oatmeal. *
*Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had *
*been mine for years? *
*Whose thighs were these and what happened to **mine? *
*I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. *
*Finally, h**urt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in *
*jeans **and Sheer Energy pantyhose. *
*Then, just when my guard was down, the **thieves struck again. *
*My bottom was next. *
*I knew it was the same gang, because they took *pains to match
*my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with *earlier.
*I couldn’t believe that my new bottom was attached at least *
*three inches lower than my original! *
*Now, my rear complemented my *legs, lump for lump.
*Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay **in fashion. *
*It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. *
*One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but *
*fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the *
motion of the hairbrush.
*This was really getting scary. *
*My body *was being replaced one section at a time.
*How clever and fiendish. *
*Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep *
*up, unnoticed, something like maturity… *
*NO, I was being attacked *repeatedly and without warning.
*In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. *
*What could they do to me next? *
*My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving *
turkey it now resembled. That’s why I decided to tell my story.
*I **can’t take on the medical profession by myself. *
*Women of the *world, wake up and smell the coffee.
*That really isn’t plastic **that those surgeons are using. *
*You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t *
*The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted”, *
*look again - Was it lifted from you? *
*I think I finally found my **thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford *
*paid a really good price **for them! *
*This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town *
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat…
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?'
’Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.’
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I’ll have to take you in and write you up.'
’If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.
’But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the Game Warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.’
’Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
I have a friend in Canada who complained of ‘smooshy thighs’ although in Dixie’s case she blamed poutine and motherhood.
What did the Russian President have to do with it ?..