A little mid-week humour to lighten the mood

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Dad did that, as well as his friends. They would tie a string to one door handle, and the other end to the neighbour’s door handle. Then knock at the same time!

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That’s just typical Google I think - doesn’t need AI. It’s amazing what Google knows whilst relevant settings are Off on the phone.

Yes it is, and the behaviour is both known and expected. It’s just a way to ‘ask’ the questions that makes it funny.

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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, “Nothing.”
The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
Unknown Author

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Time to give this one a spin again.

Google’s pizza

Hello, Gordon’s pizza?
No sir it’s Google’s pizza.

So it’s a wrong number? Sorry
No sir, Google bought it

OK. Take my order please
Well sir, you want the usual?

The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

OK! This is it …
May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

What? I hate vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How do you know?
We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …
Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

I bought more from another drugstore.
It’s not showing on your credit card statement

I paid in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

I have have other source of cash
This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

WHAT THE HELL?
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago

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At least that version didn’t have the line about his cause of ‘tennis elbow’. :wink:

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I’m sure I’ve heard this one before, hardly surprising as Barry has been dead some time now so The Oldie must have restarted at the beginning. However, just in case you haven’t, here’s today’s offering:

BARRY CRYER’S DAILY JOKE

A gorilla walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter.

‘That’ll be £6.50,’ said the barman.

‘What? That’s outrageous!’ said the gorilla.

‘You’re the first gorilla we’ve had in this pub,’ said the barman.

‘I’m not surprised at those prices,’ said the gorilla.

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Jonathan Yeo’s portrait of the king (15 May)

Brief Letters May 15:

That explains the lack of red paint at my local B&Q.
Toby Wood
Peterborough

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The real joke is that, as taxpayers, we all paid for this :rage:

Well he has captured the head pretty well, and the hand heading to fiddling with his cuffs, but as regards the rest…well I wouldn’t be happy if it was me.

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Not me! :wink:

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I think the hands aren’t very realistic compared to how they are in reality…

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He did better than Gina Rinehart anyway.

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Cant say I blame her :blush:

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