A little mid-week humour to lighten the mood

[Kazza1]

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, “Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?”

Policeman replies, “No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee.”

and another one

A young Scottish lad was doing a questions and answer quiz in school and on the first question it asks:

“What is the most popular breed in farms”
The wee chap answers - Garlic breed

and another…

I’ll never forget my grandads last words to me, before he died.

“Son, are you still holding the ladder”

last one…lol

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He says “Thanks”

I said “Dont mention it”

[Kazza1]

I came across this old poster in one of my folders, made me laugh first time I saw it, so thought I’d post it here.

[Kazza1]

“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. ‘Is it Scotch?’, I asked. ‘Why?’ the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?'. ‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. ‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you’”
Said by the late Chic Murray

[David_Spardo]

Chic Murray, one of my all time favourites, so deadpan.

BTW, are you Scottish @Kazza1 ?

If not, all your jokes are racist.

[digitracker]

[Kazza1]

“Eye amur”…and ye got to say that in your best Scottish accent. lol
Not lived in Scotland for decades, but still have the slight lilt in the accent, although some say “I can’t understand a word you’ve said”

In a funny mood, but if you spent 5 hours with my dad you might be in a funny mood too… LOL…!!!

[Griffin36]

[Susannah]

[Ancient_Mariner]

Old, but then so are most of us…

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

–

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support

[Ancient_Mariner]

Also possibly appropriate…

Two guys grow-up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with big boobs, tight shorts, and gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again. “Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?"
“They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again.
“So where you wanna go for lunch?”
"Hooters.”
"Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
“Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again.
“Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
"Okay, let’s give it a try.

[KarenLot]

When I visited a client in Detroit, Michigan foe a briefing as I was going to teach a few classes for them in France, as soon as the firm’s lead person picked me up at the hotel she pointed at the Hooters next door and said don’t go in there it’s not a nice kind of place.

[Ancient_Mariner]

@KarenLot

When I visited a client in Detroit, Michigan foe a briefing as I was going to teach a few classes for them in France, as soon as the firm’s lead person picked me up at the hotel she pointed at the Hooters next door and said don’t go in there it’s not a nice kind of place.

America has a curiously schitzophrenic attitude to sexuality, with families eating in Hooters and burlesque being a socially acceptable ‘art form’ for many who wouldn’t venture into a conventional strip club. I appreciate there are also many would not go near such a place, having a much more consistent view of such things.

I’ve been taken to a Hooters for a business lunch in Texas before I knew what it was. You would see far more skin on a beach (especially a French beach) but there’s something about the packaging that’s seedy in a corporate trade/Disney kind of way.

[Porridge]

@Ancient_Mariner

something about the packaging

I guess because it’s using sex to sell, rather than (on the beach) just being there to tan.

[Susannah]

An oldy but still goody. And true

Women Know Things That Men Don't. Fred Klett

[Griffin36]

Peter Kay 'Biggest Laugh in the History of the O2' | Finale Highlights (2011)

[Bonzocat]

Duck, Dog & Mouse…

                    ???

[Kazza1]

My thoughts on the subject of going to a place like “Hooters”
Having visited such an establishment with my ex many decades ago - must say.
“I really enjoyed the entertainment for a Sunday lunchtime of getting out of the house and it all went down a treat”
Better than being made go to ‘sunday school’ when I was very young, definitely far more informative and less boring.

[Ancient_Mariner]

Two doctors are overheard in a hospital corridor:

“It’s whooomp”, says the first one.
“No, no, it’s more like whuumph”, says the second.

Matron is walking past and hears them.

“It’s neither of those, it’s pronounced womb.”

The doctors look at her and one says “Matron, are you sure that you’ve heard a warthog fart underwater?”

[Griffin36]

[BuzzP]