A Message from the Queen

Apologies in advance to our friends and fans from the US, please don't be offended, I just couldn't resist!


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[SOURCE] Unknown

If anyone does know the author, please say so I can credit them.

Had to share on my american friend's FB page !! Superb!


As far as I'm concerned, this USA-UK "discussion" will never be topped.

So we get the 13 states back and the French their's, Spain get the biggest really but since their economy is in a bit of a mess perhaps we'll do a share with France. To that end, our French friends will have to compulsory retire all so-called winemakers and California and bring in professionals from France so that the cooking quality sheep dip they call wine can disappear.

I was starting to look for a topic for my advanced English conversation class tomorrow. This is lovely and thank you to poster and author, if ever found!

Brilliant Bruce, well said. Please come back!

Did we just get our first insult?

If it was one it was heavily disguised...n'est pas?

While, sorry, whilst I realize, sorry, realise that all true Britons love a good Yank bashing,(after all, our obesity rate and sedentary life styles make for an easy target) I would like to make one small request. Please come up with some new material. We've been hearing most of these at least since your grandfather's time and possibly longer. (By the way, Her Royal Highness left out the part about bonnets and hoods and boots and trunks.)

And if this means that from now on, our radios will play an endless loop of Elton John (except the early stuff), James Blunt, the Spice Girls,in fact most music coming out of the UK after about 1975, (haven't we suffered enough from our own crap) then I'm afraid we'll have no alternative than to take up our 300,000,000 firearms and resist.

You are, however, right about the beer and I for one will be quite happy to start referring to people that irritate me as wankers.

Thank you for hearing me out and I will now back out of the room.

I think this one's going viral!!

Got it sent from the USA via Facebook !

That was bl**dy hilarious...I lost count of how many times I LOL

This is hilarious even for a Canadian! particularly setting the price of petrol per gallon right after the metrification paragraph ;-)

I had a much loved Scottish manager who translated between Scottish and Canadian when running out of gas (petrol) on the road.

No problem officer, I have a tin of petrol in the boot!

He meant of course he has a can of gas in the trunk ;-)

A gem! Love it!

ROFL. Meant to be working and stumbled on this. I can't see for the tears in my eyes. Excellent James. I really needed that!