My husband and I had a disagreement with my MIL who basically accused me of stealing all her money. We all lived together and because of her lack of French she left all the bill paying and shopping to me. I never took a red cent from her and she had all the bank statements and card withdrawal paperwork to show her this.
I told her that it would be best if I left and she said "GO! But MY son will stay here with me!" My husband pointed out to her that although she was his mother, I was his wife and although he loved her he had sworn an oath to me when we married that he would break for no-one and came upstairs to help me pack!
At the end of the day your friend has a duty of care to his children and a sworn obligation to his wife (sorry but trying to look at this unemotionally) but no legal duty to his father. He has tried to be a dutiful son and has given aid and care when others turned away but now it is interfering with HIS family. I suggest your friend talks to his father about this and points out the damage that his father is doing. If nothing changes then your friend needs to walk away and not be available.
It's such a difficult situation and as a mother I know one day my children will leave me and start their own families. I just hope to be a small supportive part of that but as a mother/grandmother be aware that I no longer have the central role in their lives.
Of course your friend will feel guilty. We only get one father and one mother and however much people try to deny it there's always a 0.000001% of our being that refuses to let go. Unfortunately it sounds as though your friend's father - as well as the brothers - are used to your friend doing all the running and are taking full advantage of it. The brothers would probably also be the first in line to blame your friend if something happened to Dad and your friend hadn't been there. It wouldn't even occur to them to look at themselves and their own behaviour.
It is tough: your friend will feel undeniable guilt but at the same time he's using up a lot of emotional and physical energy trying to make everyone else happy, while he (and the rest of his family) are having to deal with the fall-out from all the broken promises and uncaring attitude.
Your question was should he let them go? My opinion is yes, he should keep a distance. However much it goes against his nature to be a "bad son" (which he's not, but he might feel as though he is) his first duty is to protect his family. There are most definitely a--holes in the world and unfortunately we are related to some of them. I would suggest he just steps back for a while and try to put them out of his mind, even though that can be tough at this time of year. Presumably they know where to find him - if they want to make contact they can, otherwise your friend can keep in brief contact with them. If they want to make arrangements to meet up, fine, but then they must bear the consequences of "fool him once, shame on him - fool him twice...".
I know people's perceptions of family vary tremendously. This is simply my own personal view. I would not cut all ties - that's a very difficult thing to do. But if your friend just pulls away, enjoys his own family for a while, maybe in a few months he'll view things from a less raw place and can work out his options with a clearer mind. At the moment it's probably just too much.
Best wishes to him, and a happy Christmas despite all the upset his family is causing.
Problems with immediate family are the most painful of all. Your friend sounds like a generous person with a loving heart, so he can't keep himself from hoping that his father and brothers will meet him on the same terms. But if he has a big showdown with them, that might, in the long run, cause him even more suffering, just because he is someone who cares. I think the best advice is, as someone has already said, to sit with it and be unavailable for a while. Try to get some perspective on it. Family issues cut so deep and so visceral that this can be difficult but if he can give himself a bit of time, then this will help to gain a degree of detachment.It sounds like your friend might need to come to terms with the fact that his father and brothers are as they are and are unlikely to change - that's the really difficult bit. (And if other family members respond to the social networking posting, etc. with anger, he can choose not to). With time, he can decide how much - and in what ways – he is prepared to continue to invest in a relationship or relationships where he gives, but gets very little back in return. My book recommendation would be 'The Power of Now' by Eckhard Toller. I’ve found what it has to say about managing relationships, particularly the most painful ones, very positive and life-affirming.
James, as Cathrine said, we choose our friends but not relatives. Someone else said we are conditioned as children that we must love our relatives so we overlook their flaws until we arrive to the age when we realize they are not worth our love, respect or attention. It's hard to come to the conclusion that we must disassociate ourselves from these relatives but it's the best way to maintain mental health. I grew up thinking I had the only family that was dis-functional but then I didn't know what other kid's families were like. In fact, there are very few really functional families so your friend should not feel alone with his problem.
Like I said - women usually do too. We all expect more from mums. It always amazes me how little men have to do to be a 'good' dad. EG - what did your dad ever do for you?
Just remember the saying.............. You can pick your Friends but you cant pick Family............. I have also cut off from what are supposed to be my Brothers............. I have special friends than mean far more to me............. so cut off completely you will feel better for it!!! Life is too short to feel stressed all the time!!!
I am not male. My natural mother had me adopted and my natural father was never told that he had a child. Later on when I was trying to find him, she took me to the High Court to stop me using her maiden name in my search.
I was mentally abused by adopted mother as she put her own daughter first, second and third. My dad and I were shoved out.
My daughters say that my mother-in-law was a disaster.
James, it is a tough one because it has so many possible answers. I remember a biological anthropologist doing some supplementary teaching on 'kinship' which is one of the central, if not THE central issue of my discipline and profession. He said that there is no actual thing as family but instead strong genetic links that make us seek protection and secure identity within a group. Our natural parents and siblings are the first line of that. There is truth in it. I also see it in terms of being someone who literally despised my father and for years as and adult did not exchange a word with him. The exception was when my older daughter was born we took her for him to see. My sister was living with him then. He arrived home totally blotto two hours after lunch and told my now wife what a little ********* I am. Is it a wonder she chose not to like him. Now, my sister could not stand out mother who I liked a lot and kept away until after she died for years. My sister and I are close for all of that. My father 'dispossed' me of the house mother owned and wanted to go to my sister and I equal shares. However my sister sorted it and gave me half.
So what kind of mess is that? But below the autobiography the reality lurks and there are more families who lived in wedded dread and disharmony than you might wish to know. My wife and I have both worked with child abuse, so that much I shall say and let you think where it all comes from. Then you are well on the way. An actual answer? Probably, there is none.
Men always blame the mum.Actually women usually do too. But there were two parents - why were you running the home? Sorry you had a bad one. My dad bashed us and mum paid the bills. My own husband deserted us because in his words he ' wanted to party'. A very sad statement considering he was forty-three at the time. But I was definitely a better mum when I wasn't a bitter and deserted mum--or a single mum. Something for fathers and son's everywhere to consider....
I think that your friend has to be truthful with his children and explain that it was grandad that changed the plans. The children will ask all sorts of awkward questions, as they do, but by being honest he can look his children in the eye and perhaps they will start to make up their own minds about grandad.
Hello, I will say something different from experience. I had breaks with members of my family some of them for years and looking back when I dropped contact it was because there was something I could not face or deal with. Your friend does not need to categorically break relations he needs to say what he thinks and if they get angry he does not have to take any flak either. At one time I had a book for (and I don't remember the name but it was a workbook about healing a rift with a sibling) and everyone kept asking me to borrow it, your friend is really not alone. I am sorry but I think the fact that his father began to reach out and try to make a link with his grandchildren is a really hopeful sign. But 'friend' cannot let the children be messed about either and the thing is that if 'father' suggests it again 'friend' has to know that it could possibly happen and might not, and make his own arrangements in case of that event. The value for the grandchildren what they will learn is that relations can be really difficult. Parental relationships are very complex and people often take awful behaviour from parents for years and years and I just think it's something with no quick fix, unfortunately. Ok so maybe 'father' will be alone and it will be his own fault, and maybe 'friend' must concentrate on his own family and 'father' is a background figure that may be there in the future but with no certainty. I mean there can be more distance, but I say keep the door open and deal with it as best you can. So his brother doesn't want to talk to him? Well another relative of mine did this recently to someone else in the family and then found a letter from childhood in a book that needed to be returned. On returning it they began to speak again. Something's can change the situation that are out of anyone's control, so not to worry too much, just let the brother fume and cool off, in a couple of years it will all look different!!
I haven't really got any advice to add except your friend should be the son that he wants to be, and just accept that his father will be the father that he wants to be. Sometimes these two positions are incompatible. A friend in a similar situation was given the advice to "close the door, but not lock it". Wise words ....
yes I do and my mother didn't do it, I ran our house from the age of ten and brought up my baby sister to boot, my mother used me as her counsellor form the age of 9 and emotionally abused me until I left home
Really? Nothing ? You owe your mother nothing? DO you have any idea how much work is involved in just getting a kid to stay alive and more or less whole those first five years?