I’m sorry about the accident. That sounds like a difficult situation.
It definitely sounds like a calm adult dog, who likes nothing better than a cuddle would be best. As I’m sure you have experienced puppies need to pee the whole time.
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This is a serious consideration Caroline, can’t remember if you said how long ago this was so how old your son was at the time, but is he more able to understand the needs of a dog now?
Having said that, a mature dog, definitely not one anywhere near puppyhood, can go for a long time without a visit to the ‘toilet’. My own current 8 year old dog, Jules the Beauceron, despite knowing that the back door (behind a curtain) is open from the moment I get up to last thing before my bedtime, sometimes doesn’t bother all evening, thus making his ‘clean’ period something like 14 hours or more, certainly more than I can manage. 
The only time he has has soiled in the house was when he had an infection. And that was my fault, I failed to understand the reason why he woke me up.
Nothing to do with being snobby!
If you buy a puppy from a licensed French breeder you can expect it to be healthy and have the characteristics of that breed. Also if you buy a puppy from a French breeder, as opposed to an adult dog from a refuge (pedigree or mongrel) you’ve a better chance of being able to train it to suit your circumstances and situation.
Lastly, nothing against mongrels as such (I do think UK hereditory peerages should be abolished) but even though individuals within a breed vary, a breed’s characteristics are a valuable guide to choosing a dog. Eg. size, amount of exercise needed, intelligence (OK, that rules out Labs and Dalmatians - and yes, I do expect one or two replies)
You left out Red Setters from that list 
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And Airedales. 
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“He gave one of our dogs a hard time and I put that dog’s fussiness down to that influence. The other (cocker bitch) he ignored MORE or LESS”
It seems unfair to expect any dog to be chilled when in a volatile situation regardless of their breed or the breeder. I hope I don’t sound too judgemental but do you really think another dog is a good idea?
Hi David
Yes, I know. This is just the information and advice I was looking for. A well trained dog can be very impressive in their ability to hold themselves but I don’t want to create a situation that is difficult for any animal. I can be torn in my wish to give reassurance and comfort to my son and also treat the dog with the respect and consideration they need. And I agree with you, an acclimatised adult dog is going to cope with this much better than a puppy or even a young adolescent.
Thank you very much for this advice. Sorry to not reply for a while, I’ve been travelling in England and have been relying on only a phone as connection. Back in the kitchen now with a coffee and laptop, much more user friendly!!
I’ve never had a golden retriever though I know labradors from my youth. I rejected the latter as they have such a lot of energy, especially when young. Labradors are also very food orientated!! I suppose I hope goldens would have the tolerant nature and robustness of the labradors with a bit less energy. But, from what you say, it’s the character of the individual dog that counts. Just like people.
I think I shall keep searching and be attentive and careful about finding the right dog (as opposed to a right breed) that will fit in our occasionally chaotic family.
Lastly, I am not sure I want to spend quite as much as you mention. I have seen the prices of puppies from the prized breeds, quite eyewatering! But then look at vets bills!
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your knowledge. As I think I have already said on this thread, there is a dog shaped hole in our house at the moment and I would like to fill it as much for my own sake as anyone else’s but I don’t want to create a bad situation.
Sarah
No I don’t think you sound too judgemental. The same question is why I started this thread.
Our son can be difficult even agressive at times with all of us. We have to adapt to his needs of course. However, living with someone like him is still living, day to day, 24/7 and sometimes you need to allow yourself to touch normality. I love animals, since our little cocker bitch died just before Christmas we have been dogless and I would like to change that. I have no intention of bringing an animal into a situation that they find stressful and difficult but, if I could find the right animal, I think it would help everyone in the family. I don’t believe we are cruel or thoughtless people and we do not give our animals traumatic, unpleasant lives but I am trying to be very careful to get the right animal.
Our mongrel dog found the situation fraught because he had a condition that gave him pain and basically changed him into a grumpy old man, with us all not just my son. However, he still enjoyed life, walks were when he suddenly changed into a happy dog running around and using his hunting instincts, and he loved cuddles during the evening. The cocker spaniel, like many dogs, decided she preferred the females to males and would follow me or one of my daughters around all day with lots of affection for everyone.
And lastly, each family is its own little fiefdom, but don’t you think volatile situations can arise in any family, quite unexpectedly? Isn’t that part of life?
I agree, breeds can, to a certain extent, determine character. My brother has noticeably gone for breeds that require little or no exercise and it has worked well for him as he loves to have a dog around but with a business and horses he has little time for long country walks. What I’m nervous of with breeds is too many inbred problems (I’m sure we’ve all experienced that) and inbreeding resulting in nervy problem dogs. I might be out of date with the last one as it was the eighties when I was last in the dog buying world, hopefully people are more responsible now!
I think that’s your challenge Caroline and that’s why, I suspect, you feel the need to come on here and ask. Because you are talking to “doggy people” we are going to put the needs of the dog first - not your son’s.
I remember years ago, we talked to Battersea Dogs’ Home about adopting and they wouldn’t let us have one because we both worked full time. They were putting the needs of the dog first - appropriately.
I think you have to ask yourself whether you can ever put the needs of any dog you get first and what that may imply. You want an easy-going / compliant dog. Why? Because you are going to be asking the dog to put up with things that only you in your heart of hearts know might happen? If so, is that fair?
I am not sure it was a need. I am not searching validation/excuses for possible mistreatment of an animal! As a dog owner I still have a lot to learn and I believe in listening to others and taking advice.
You are right I’m searching for an easy going compliant dog. Is that necessarily wrong? Battersea Dogs home will always know a great deal more than me about dogs but what you seem to be saying is that dog owning should be sharply reduced:
Don’t have a dog if you both work.
Don’t have a dog if you have handicapped or volatile children (ie get ride of your dog once you’re pregnant and on the way to having an ear pulling, eye poking toddler in the house).
Don’t have a dog once you pass sixty as you may die and leave it in a difficult situation.
Don’t have a dog unless you will always consider it’s needs before anyone else in the house (which I suppose means other animals as well).
Dogs are pack animals, they can adapt to many situations and people. And they want to be part of a loving family, giving and receiving affection. They do have to put up with things because they live in groups, in a real world. That doesn’t mean they are being mistreated (which is NOT what I expect to happen).
I understand you think I should be honest with myself and not replace our dogs however I think there is a big leap between looking for the right animal and keeping all animals out of our home. How many of us have lived in perfect homes and families?
Should a similar list of criteria be enforced before people can have children? Animal charities have these criteria for broadly good reasons overall. Even though they may exclude some lovely people including members of my family
No, you train the child(ren) and the dog.
I don’t think it is fair to a dog if nobody is with it for 8 or 9 hours a day. I would love another dog but I shall not have one because I work full time and I can’t have both. Opinions may differ.
Yes but no.
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Many shelters provide a trial period, so if it doesn’t work then you are not obliged to keep dog forever.
Our dog is a breed that would not be considered suitable (Australian Shepherd) as too energetic etc. And it is true - we called him monster biting puppy for the first 18 months. But now, at 7 years old, he is a calm and sedate adult that bears a strong resemblance to a 30kg cuddly toy. He has been used to toddlers crawling over him and poking him since an early age (even when a monster biting puppy - just under VERY strict supervision) and just yawns. He has never once pee’d in the house and has a 12 hour bladder.
Were a dog like him to be found in a shelter he would be perfectly suitable as also now of an age not to need as much exercise.
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Spot on Vero, I think that’s sort of what I was trying to say
My sister was refused a rescue dog because she worked full time. She told the centre “you do know I’m just going to go and buy a puppy then”. No dog could be better looked after. She went home from work at lunchtime to walk her. After she had her baby she had friends walk her. She is fully insured at great cost. I believe Dog’s Trust is less picky about your working hours.
I’m still reading the title of this thread as “Dodgy People’s Advice Request”.
Is that a bad thing? 
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Thats nothing compared to what I first read 
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Caroline, have you thought of a Cockapoo? They are very popular in the UK and Ireland. I have never met one that isn’t happy! They have the cleverness of both the spaniel and the poodle and seem very adaptable.