Feelings of failure, depression, wanting to go home, inevitable comparison with others

General Discussion
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Well I lived in France for two and a half years but I was alone. From December to April I spoke no English at all. I loved the French and lived in the Tarn et Garonne absolutely lovely. I regret nothing.

However I returned to the UK three weeks ago to a lovely village that is so friendly in every way. I have friends around and am really enjoying doing my house up. I had nothing to do in France so I wrote two novels December to June. I will not be coming back to France however much I love it. Perhaps for a holiday but a different area. I will eventually return sometime if and when the house sells…but no regrets about France but just loving being back
her in the UK. Sorry everybody but that’s a fact.

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Just, since coming to France some of the things I have 'adventured' in with paid work by example - after doing qualified skilled work in the UK, some of it related, some not.

Cleaning, Babysitting, teaching English, journalism - paper and on the internet, knitting, knitting machine, gardening. I have met others who juggle jobs such as making children's clothes, cooking pasties for the English on the market, all kinds of crafts having on-line and offline websites.

Unpaid 'work' translations, growing vegetables -(bottling, preserving, confiture, ratatouille etc) I see growing vegetables that we can eat that then saves buying them, as 'work'.

But I am coming to think there's no point putting in endless perseverance into trying to obtain something, like a CDI, that is not that likely. That is, you have to let go of the ways of finding a sense of achievement or security and find other ways. I like the idea of Focus Forms and being constructive and not being isolated.

I don't think leaving France, even for a short time or it could become longer, is such a bad idea either but maybe not to think about it too much, it's not life or death, there's no 'right' decision. I know exactly what you mean about the sense that you should deal with it, and also that that might not happen. The way of 'should's' was all built upon a different life, different environment where being able to sort things out was a bit more of an option. The way everyone talks about making the most of it and doing what you can, just shows the number of us who have been or are there in one way or another.

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I am generally very wary of entering discussions such as this, because as others have pointed out everyone is different.

However and for what it is worth;

a) everyone has bad times, and many come when you least expect them.

b) The tendency is always to examine yourself and question your worth ( invariably negatively!)

c) We all make mistakes- big and small. It's called being human.

So you are neither unique nor different, or a failure.

My suggestions;

Look through your own personal asset base, and I mean personal. As I read your posts you are predicating a lot of your problems, and potential success on getting some 'magical' piece of paper, - to get a job I get the impression you are not that mad keen about anyway?

Plus always blaming someone else - usually the partner, for all the problems is also pretty constant. Has it occurred to you at all that your husband might be thinking exactly the same about you?

That little lot is one great big fat recipe for depression.

Again as others have said depression is a downward spiral, so logic says you have to look at your life from a different angle. It is often said that persistence pays off, but I am more convinced that persisting in something that is always going to produce the same result, is plain daft.

OK You feel one way or another you were conned/bullied/deceived into being here in France. OK what can you do about it? Fairly obvious answer? Go to where you feel you would be happier - back to the USA, or somewhere else. But think about it seriously, and most of all financially.

Lonely? well there have been a lot suggestions made should you decide to stay. If not then consider exactly what would be better of worse elsewhere. You are currently participating in a Social Network - not that hard is it? Better than Facebook and Twitter where everybody is talking and nobody is listening - not at all what you want or need.

Now look at your own abilities - and be honest, there is no value in lying to yourself. Are you bright, dull, interesting, sociable, intelligent, are you inquisitive of the world around you, or are you strictly a domestic animal reliant on your partner? Must you have a regular wage, or salary not just to survive, but as your nature? Could you see yourself genuinely equipped to be self-employed? Nothing to be ashamed of either way, but an honest answer will point you in a direction. If you are a wage-earner, then what can you offer an employer (beyond the platitudes of loyal, hard-working and all that) - seemingly you have linguistic abilities, can you offer this as a service to others, or can this be listed with job agencies? What about administrative skills (aka secretarial, and organisational)? Employing people is expensive in France - what can you offer to SME's? Are you Internet-savvy, can you do online research? Oh look, that applies as much to being self-employed doesn't it?

I feel these should be part of anyone's self-analysis wherever they are, it will allow you to focus on who you are and what you have to offer - so push the boundaries to cover interests as well as experience - or even instead OF experience. Do you drive? (yes I know you have answered this but I am laying out a plan here)

Now having some input, you can start working out some sort of CV for your OWN USE at this time. I call these Focus Forms and I have used them for years for businesses who get just as confused as individuals! Remember it is useful to show what you don't like and are not interested in as much as what you are.

Try and get hubby to do the same.

This is POSITIVE action, and is not only helpful in fighting depression, but also giving you a sense of direction.

At the very least, and in my not-so-humble opinion it will be a dam' side more constructive that what you are doing at the moment.

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I think it's a great idea to have a second wedding one day! This is something you can take your time planning and make it a fun event. And it doesn't have to be tomorrow. By the time my hubby and I got married, we'd been together for 7 years and there was no stress nor the usual trepidation, like, 'am I doing the right thing?'

Also now that you ARE married, it would be easier for your hubby to work if you go back to the US for awhile. The US isn't the place to retire, or be old, unless you've:

a. Worked for a large company with some sort of retirement plan/who will subsidize your health care premiums, etc. (and that can change even after you leave the company)

b. Make your own retirement fund, and you have to start in your 20's (if you work in the private sector, and not for a large company)

c. Have some inheritance

c. Win the lottery

My husband and I have been working in the private sector all our lives, me: high-end hairdresser, he: high-end waiter. We thought we had all the time in the world to secure retirement, (actually I don't think we thought about it much when we were young enough to do something about it), and so a few years ago we started really saving. We used some of the money to open a salon for me, (I'm also an artist/interior decorator/DYIer), so we didn't take out a loan to do the re-model or pay for any of the furniture, electrical or plumbing redo... Now we have a beautiful salon that's just begun to thrive after 3 years, we've built back up a little nest egg, and plan to sell the salon, (after I re-negotiate the lease), in 2 years. Then we plan to move to France, where we have support, (young adult nieces/nephews that are helpful in all sorts of bureaucratic stuff AND tech stuff, + parents, siblings, cousins, etc of my hubby). I now speak fluent French, I will have 10+ years ahead of me for doing my trade and paying into the system, making friends, etc., before finally retiring. My husband is open to different things, + we intend to have a couple of rooms to rent, when we want to. Not a real 'Gite', and we won't need this income to survive. It will be extra. Then who knows what we'll discover when we're there. But we have a plan to start our new phase and a bit of €€.

Good luck to you, hang in there, the answer to your situation could present itself in the blink of an eye :-)

The salon site in case you're curious: www.kmonteilasalon.net

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Not round here it ain't :(

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Louise - that's the standard vacataire rate in CCI and IUT for indépendants - it's less for standard vacataires as they have to pay your charges sociales etc. Yes it's almost impossible to earn that elsewhere which is why I only taught there and turned down other teaching work once established!

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I can understand how you feel. I came to France many years ago to because of marriage and I have found it very difficult to get decent work especially when living in the country and I know how difficult it can be if your husband is not supportive because of his own problems. I have kept on with the teaching work whilst exploring other options such as working by internet, under the auto-entrepreneur scheme, but it takes time and energy and it is easy to get discouraged.

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I understand exactly about the 'family member'. I have the same problem with mine.

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I think you are very optimistic to expect €40 an hour unless you are in Paris.

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given the hours you're already teaching, Cristina, I think you're doing very well and must be earning good money for France if you can manage up to 10 hours a day - go auto entrepreneur and the CCI and IUT will pay more (just over 40€ an hour a few years back) as they don't have to pay your charges sociales etc.

As Véro says, look at what you have got and not what you haven't ;-)

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"The goal was to be with him, experience things with him, and move forward with him, you know?"

Well you seem to be doing two out of three of those - even if they aren't exactly fun right now. It may sound trite but living with anyone, especially in a foreign country, isn't always fun. Is he getting treatment for his depression? I believe depressed people can't just 'snap out of it' without help. Do you talk to each other? Or do you just blame him for the situation you are in, no parties, no honeymoon, no social life, families don't know each other etc. I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh but you really need to think about what you can do rather than what you haven't got.

How about getting a list of events in your area plus a list of associations you could trawl through to find an activity you like, then doing it. Get out and about, meet people, if you can't find an activity on offer you want to join in with, set up your own group... il n'y a pas de sot métier, as they say - so see what is on offer you could do to keep you busy, earning even a little bit and most importantly feeling you are actually doing something.

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Thanks for the song, that describes it PERFECTLY

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Thanks, I just sent a join request, hope it comes through soon!

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Thank you, Mandy. It definitely does help to know that I'm not alone, and that talking about it is nothing to be ashamed about. Not easy since we are all total strangers, but I appreciate the different ideas and perspectives without judgement.

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Thanks for your kind words. Gardening does help, if only it didn't rain so damn much in Normandy... but that's a whole other issue... I'll take advantage of the rare sun we've been having.

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Dear Mike, thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear about your own personal life experience, I hope time helps those wounds heal for you. I agree with what you say about focusing on what you CAN control, which is what I feel I do, but you cannot force someone else to react as fast as you, and this is what the issue is with my partner. For the last two years I was told to be patient while he tried to get the job, and now I'm being told to be patient until he lifts himself up out of his depression, but all of this waiting is just driving me mad because I feel that things could be done by now and that we are wasting precious time. I'm just so tired of always waiting on things that don't seem to come but that everyone else seems to get with no effort...

I am definitely planning on asking my GP to refer me to the right kind of specialist, will be making an appointment for the end of August. Perhaps if I started seeing someone to talk to, then my husband might come around eventually...

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You're too far!!! I'm near Rouen :(

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That's a really cool idea, I'm not sure my husband would be in the mood for it like, this weekend, but perhaps I could propose doing something like that combined with his birthday, which is coming up. What I really need is someone who has the right words and right force to snap him out of his mood, because I can't seem to find the right things to say to make him see that he has all of the options in the world, if he is willing to take the time to work towards them...

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Hello David, is that also the CNEAP that was mentioned before? What exactly does your wife do?

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vacataire teaching gives me hours every day of the week, though some days its only 1-2, and some days its 10-11... Thanks for the au pair advice, but I'm not huge on kids and don't think I'd be very fun to be around in the state I'm in. As far as the choir idea, I actually did have a student who runs one, and she said she would send me the info, that was about 3 weeks ago so I'm hoping she didn't forget. What upsets me is that I came to France on my own, but I stayed to be with my partner. If he is having his own existential crisis and does not seem to want to snap out of it or face the problem and do something about it, then what's the point of staying? The goal was to be with him, experience things with him, and move forward with him, you know?