Feelings of failure, depression, wanting to go home, inevitable comparison with others

General Discussion
81

Excellent advice from Abigail, I like her suggestion for perspective in regards to your hubby.

I'm married to a Frenchman and we live in L.A. for now. I would love to move to (the South), of France in a few years. Even though I lived in Italy for a few years in my youth, (I'm now about to turn 53), spoke and still speak Italian very well, (I mention that in regards to speaking the tongue of the land) I want to search out any possible negatives to moving to France, for I can see mostly positive. My hubby's entire family is in France, and I have almost no family here. Also, there are no social programs for middle class aged people, nor good healthcare in the U.S. BTW my French is fluent. Nuf 'bout me.

I have an idea for you, not sure if it would work. I have a French friend about my age living in Toulouse and my parents-in-law who all sing in choral groups. One time when visiting Toulouse we went to hear my friend sing in an 800 year old little chapel. It was utterly charming and they sounded great! They did some classics as well as some Serge Gainsbourg, Jaques Dutronc, etc. If you don't want to join one of these groups, (actually I don't know how you'd even go about that), I'm sure you can ask around to see when and where a group might be performing, also I think it was free to be in the audience. After we heard our friend sing we milled about the yard and chatted. I think it might be a great way to make some new acquaintances and/or network in general. One thing I did read about making friends in France was that they take their time warming up to you for they take friendship very seriously, but once you make them... that's why I used the word 'acquaintance'.

I don't know how long you've lived in France, or where you live. I've been with my husband over 10 years, he's been in L.A. for 31, I was born here. I had French friends and had visited France long before I met Vincent, and he and I have visited France about 7 times together, for anywhere up to 1 month long stays. We get along very very well, and they are also super helpful and positive, unlike some stories I've heard of some French/Anglo relations. I'm just saying that everyone's experience and disposition is different. Or maybe it's a sort of disclaimer because I haven't actually lived there for any great period of time. I have heard about the bureaucracy, and the friendship thing, and I've felt that way even in my home town!

Also I think Abigail mentioned something about getting out to enjoy the good clime. To get out and walk about might be good for the soul. Eventually the people in your vicinity will get use to seeing you, and with a head-not or hello here and there, you might even meet someone who will make all the difference. But don't let'em smell your desperation, I've been there too and speak from experience, LOL

Best of luck, keep us apprised of your progress, I'd love to hear how things are going.

82

Is there a local group you can join, we have a franglais conversation group here and a tai chi group we belong to and enjoy. We also buy a season option at our local cinema that then screen opera, which we enjoy, and can attend and chat with other like minded folks. I do wonder like others if you are wondering if you married " in haste" because of your visa issues. do check out evening classes run by the local commune, as we pay a subscription and can then participate in as many or as few as we want. What do YOU want, do you want to stay in France? If so then would a move within France help, or are you constrained because of your French family? All the best

83

Reading this, there are lots of good people rooting for you, Cristina. All I can add is to remind you that everything passes; everything changes - make best of what you've got and do what you feel you really have to do; perhaps the answer lies somewhere between waiting for things to happen and making them happen…

And here's a link to let you know we all get those times in our lives that we just have to wade across the river rather than going with the flow: American Tune

Wishing you good luck and big (virtual) hugs.![](upload://tsoHoIkJVQL9zbdFF1G1i4Wmv9.jpg)

84

Would you have married your husband had the visa not been an issue?

Is he getting treatment for his depression? That would make a big difference.

Why did you want to stay in France in the first place, what sort of life did you imagine you were going to lead?

What do you think you should have done differently in order to achieve what you want?

What sort of job do you want, are you qualified to do it and, if not, how do you become qualified?

What sort of social life are you looking for? If money is a problem, why not ask a couple of friends or acquaintances to a picnic - go to a park for example, everyone brings something to eat & drink & you share - then take things from there. Having a social life doesn't have to be expensive.

Who are these other people who are getting ahead when you aren't? Do you know them? What are they doing differently? Ask for advice.

85

There's a wonderfully supportive group on Facebook -- LIFT (Ladies in France Together). You might want to check them out. Also, in my area (Hérault, Languedoc-Rousillon) there are groups of women who meet virtually (on Facebook) & have get-togethers. You might want to see if there is something similar in your neck of the woods. Search on Facebook to see what groups are near you. It really helps to connect with other people. Bon courage!

86

You're right, you won't get a cdi in either a cci or iut but the vacataire status, especially under the AE regime can give you a very good living and it's (by french standards) pretty stable permanent work (unfortunately you'll need a capes to be titulaire at the iut you're teaching at). CNEAP is the organisation the runs most private schools and about the only place you'll get a cdi without having a capes (I have a PGCE and maïtrise français langue étrangère but still only ever got vacataire/remplaçant work but that suited me at the time).

87

Lets keep this positive....

Because it is...

You will find tiny little things which will just happen and cheer up your mood...

You will make some friends and form events....keep planning new challenges...

Could be anything....

It will all come to you little by little...

and when you start to come out of the dark patch you will wonder why

you got there in the first place.

Do not bother with focusing on the past....that is a mistake.

Keep finding new things to enjoy...

Begin with gardening and if you do not have on of your own to develop

visit one of Frances spectacular gardens.

Most of us have travelled through all this darkness at some time...

nothing to be ashamed of.

88

There really are some good people on here aren't there? I hope the fact that people have taken the time and made the effort to respond to your post will help you feel a bit more positive. I know how impossible it seems when life gets tough and you can see no way out but I hope the responses here are able to make you think differently about your situation. I don't have much else to add other than I sincerely hope you find a way to improve your life and I wish you much happiness for the future.

89

its not very far, would definitely be interested in trying to meet up, I have a car. I will PM you...

90

Dear Abigail, thanks for the message. My French is, according to others, "very good" and I can manage to get most things done like bills, job interviews, setting up appointments over the phone, etc on my own, especially in the last year. At some point, I'd like to pass the DELF C2, but haven't done so yet because paying for it is a luxury I cannot yet afford, since it's not necessary. I don't necessarily mean going out clubbing or partying as having a social life, but just being able to go out past 7pm, concerts, movies that are not dubbed, public events... that's what I miss. I manage to keep myself busy, but as time goes by, I wonder if any of it is even worth the trouble...

91

I am only 15 minutes from Rouen, which for FR standards is a "big city" but for me, it's still too small, I've lived in Orlando, Washington DC and New Orleans, and not only do I miss big cities, but I miss those cities in particular... Plus, after being here for 3 years, the only friends I've managed to make are other foreigners, the "locals" are NOT easy to get to know...

92

I am currently a vacataire at the CCI here, its where I do most of my hours, but in the language centers most people stay vacataires for years and years, there are only 2 of my colleagues who have CDIs and thats from a long time ago, perhaps when it was easier to get one? What is the CNEAP? I'm also already at the IUT, but so far no word on if it will ever lead to anything, though I am told to just keep asking, since I am on very good terms with my two bosses there.

I agree, nothing happens when you wait, but I just don't see the point anymore about constantly being frustrated and having nothing to do when I could also have work problems elsewhere but at least have sunshine, social activities and open minded people...

93

Hi Christina,

I too can relate to your situation and making a post to ask for help and support is a great step. It is never worth trying to deal with everything alone. However, it is also true that it is difficult to keep reaching out to people who are far away without some more practical and local help too.

My husband, a previously bubbly, happy-go-lucky guy has suffered from severe depression since coming to France 4 years ago, largely due to total lack of work and therefore activity / motivation / direction and feeling of self-worth.

This has had a massive effect on us as I try to juggle a demanding job to keep the bills paid, worry about him whilst I am out of the house 12 hours a day, knowing that he is there alone and struggling. I too have a history of mental illness through 3 generations of our family so have had to deal with it across various relationships - each person has their own particular problems and manifestations but the only person who can decide to get through is that person themself (hopefully with plenty of love and support). Isolating ourselves together in his depression only made both of us nearly crack.

Hubby is now starting to pull through with some medical assistance (not for everyone but speaking to a doctor with an open mind is definitely to be recommended). However, much more important is helping him to find opportunities to do activites (paid, voluntary or 'other' - personal projects) which raise feelings of usefulness, integration and sociability.

I see that you are the other side of Rouen whilst we are near Gisors - not really close but not a million miles away either if you have a car. I don't have independant transport but would be happy to welcome you if you want to exchange messages / calls or visit us.

Keep communicating in any case, the more the better.

94

Hi sorry to hear about your problems as everybody else has said hang in in there. Me could be similar but giving it a go. My wife after 40 years left me (long story arguments perpetually) and returned to the UK leaving me here - indeed as I own the house here couldn’t afford to return at present again long story. Just a couple of friends down the road and no social life - me and the dog that’s all. Shopping and cleaning the house - a first are my treats! Anyway happy in my own company and giving it a go. Have friends from the UK mail me which helps but really just getting on with it. The future who knows…anyway find your inner self be bold and get on with life that has been thrust at you from my experience that’s all I can say.

1 Like
95

Cristina, hang in there. I find that when I feel down its best to keep busy, preferably with activities where you can see some tangible results. When I'm busy my mind has less time to dwell on the negatives.

I've had a couple of meltdowns since we arrive in late 2011 (actually broke down into a near-hysteria bit of sobbing as we were walking home from Carrefour -- I'm sure people thought I was crazy) & still have occasional panic attacks, but overall, I'm fortunate to have settled in to our new life.

Where do you live? If you're anywhere near Pézenas (34) we could get together for a coffee/wine/whatever & just talk.

96

I resonate with this so deeply, especially how the beginning seems to foretell of the ending…with nothing going right. I go back and forth on a daily basis about what I’d doing here and whether or not my former life can be resurrected. I have to constantly reaffirm my choice to be here…even with everything “going wrong.” How would it feel to plan a party for yourselves…doesn’t have to be big or fancy? But decide to celebrate your love and all the difficulties you’ve overcome so far. Reclaim and make space for some joy and celebration after all that trauma. Create a healing of the situation of how you had to start. Don’t wait for resolutions to all your questions. …for what it’s worth.

97

A sad story but you can push through. Everybody goes through bad periods of their lives, as you get older you realise that. But don't forget that lots of apparently well qualified French people can't get the jobs they wanted because of the dire state of the French economy. That's why so many have left and are leaving. My wife has a teaching diploma but from the Philippines which is not accepted in any part here; the assistant teaching posts go to people known in the community (relations of councillors etc). So may wife works in agroalimentaire now but she has become permanent, gets paid 13 months a year, a bonus, cheques cadeaux etc and is becoming eligible for onward advancement training. She got her permanent job because she worked harder and had a better attendance record, than some local French. The employers round here are on record as saying that they prefer to employ etrangers as they work harder! Good luck and also count the many blessings you have as well.

98

Cristina. Sorry to hear you are fed up. Not sure if I have anything useful to say. Could you do some other part-time work as well to boost funds temporarily ? Or does teaching take up all your time? I did lots of cleaning work when I first came here before I found a "normal" job, but I actually really enjoyed it. It kept me fit too. Also, what about doing some voluntary work? That could lead to a bit of a social life too. 3 years is still early days to feel settled. It took me longer than that. Bon courage x

99

Hi Cristina, sorry to hear things are a bit miserable for you. Would it be feasible to move to a bigger town where there are more prospects and perhaps more opportunity to meet people?

100

been there (vacataire), Cristina, and it is depressing. Try and get teachng work at a CCI, IUT or get out of the public sector and into the private try cneap where you can become titulaire without a capes. France, more than the UK or USA, is a country where you really have to make things happen yourself (ou te faire pistonner). Unfortunately, nothing happens when you just sit and wait :-(

Allez courage ;-)