Thank you both, I don’t want to side track this thread to be about us, but I will report back once we’ve seen her. 
Very grim David, look after yourself. My mother has been in the last stage of dementia for the past 12 or so years.
Thank you Vero, even Jules the dog spends some of his time on her bed. He has 2 of his own but usually sleeps on his settee which has a view though my open door. He is often on her bed in the day time too though, which means alongside her as she spends a lot of the time there, but last night as I settled down to sleep after reading and then pleading with her to go to bed, he came and spent half an hour on my bed.
I don’t wax lyrical about dogs, but sometimes I do wonder how much they understand and feel. 
4 Likes
So sorry to hear what you both are going through David - very tough.
I’m certain some dogs completely understand. Our current rescue mongrel understands when one of us is ill. He sees his role to then be by our side and he will spend most of the day with whichever one of us is sick, whereas normally he is quite independent.
2 Likes
I can’t imagine life without a dog, even if they don’t understand, and many seem to, the comfort they give is without price.
To get the thread back on track. It is obvious that I can cope, though at some cost in unwelcome anger, but what if I couldn’t? And what if I was to start to descend into the same abyss, we are the same age after all, would we just be left here to stew or is there some form of sectioning as in UK. Our younger neighbours of many years have been helpful but the frequent visits have ceased due to covid. I am sure they would notice if the shutters stayed closed, and the dog appeared to be suffering (if we continued with our ever open door policy in daylight), but what then?
If that was to happen, the house could be sold to provide funds, but what happens when that runs out, if we live long enough to make it a problem. I know that in France the generations below are responsible, but scattered across the world, would they really be pursued?
I don’t want to give the impression that this is a current worry of mine, but I am interested in the ultimate ‘what if?’.
I know a part of what you are going through, my wife had a couple of very bad strokes that left her paralyzed on her L side and with her R side weakened, for the last year and a half blind before she died.
I looked after her on my own for the last 1 1/2 years after her being in hospital for a year and you have to take care of yourself including not letting any anger building up with yourself and due to your wife’s condition.
Hopefully you have someone to vent to, even if it is the dog 
, don’t let it build up inside as it will consume you and make you resentful, have a rant on here, if you can’t contact myself and get it off your chest, as I know how hard it is looking after someone full time and your health has to be your priority for both your sakes.
Take care, be kind to yourself and know how much good you are doing 
, however hard it might be.
4 Likes
We none of us know what the future holds, so anticipating now makes sense - no doubt there are others on here who can advise. However, I would also like to offer you some reassurance. Unfortunately our lifestyle can lead us down certain paths in terms of our health and increase the probability of our falling prey to the chronic conditions of the elderly - smoking / drinking are major contributors. From what you have said about your own behaviour David - your swimming, exercising the dogs, your concern for dogs and your altruism in terms of fostering and getting dogs to new owners - all of that speaks of taking care of yourself. Eating wisely - a largely plant-based diet - can also help. My uncle looked after my aunt through her final years of decline and he remained fit and well throughout, well into his nineties.
@Griffin36 A very generous post and one that I will keep in mind, I do shout at her sometimes in the same way that you might with a naughty child, less so at the dog though he is more or less well behaved, but mostly at all the idiots I hear on radio and tv. Fortunately in that regard we are well blessed in numbers and variety, target wise. 
@SuePJ Yes you are right about lifestyle, Fran is a recovering alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink for around 15 years since a spell in Montpon-Monesterol hospital apart from a very weak half glass of kir at the, now suspended, vins d’honneurs. Her smoking made it easier because, banished outside as she was, I managed to keep the enthusiastic topper-uppers away. Her appetite has always been low and her current weight of 40 kgs is the heaviest she’s been in a long time.
I am a wannabee veggie but she is the exact opposite, however, lately her meagre portions of 2 slices of potato and a little onion have disappeared before the, equally meagre meat on her plate. No idea what that means but I don’t think I’ll be getting her to share a lettuce in the immediate future. 
As I said before, my dog journeys have come to a halt now, but I started to wind down (no more nights out) way back in October 2019 after a very scary asthma attack in the middle of the night in my small caravan, the first such attack in 50 years. On both occasions I didn’t think I would survive but the outcome is that I can’t, and don’t, blame the end of my wanderings on covid, or her. Had it been otherwise I could have become very bitter, so a blessing counted. 
Just got through to the surgery. The only slot left in the whole of next week is 9.30 next Friday. 
So I have taken it, but am not looking forward to getting her out at that hour of the day to make it on time. 
I do think it would be a good idea to make yourself know to the Assistante Sociale, for your wife but also to reassure you. They are the entrance way to lots of useful things.
There is the same range of things available here, so for example respite care to give you a break. Our local maison de retraite has 6 places for dementia day care for example, as well as live in beds. So as others have said if things are getting more difficult you need to give some priority to you.
My (happily limited) experience is that France does not let people without funds suffer. Yes the authorities may try to locate family, but not being able to do so won’t stop them looking after you. If the Assistante Sociale knows of your existence then you should not be overlooked.
2 Likes
We have a bit of a confusing connection with the Assistante Sociale @JaneJones , the first time for no particular reason the doctor told us to get in touch. When we got there and were asked why we were there, we could do no more than describe our lives and express the view that we weren’t sure. Neither were they so some time later a couple of ladies came to the house, looked around and asked a few questions, then went away and we have heard nothing since.
Not sure there is much that any visiting social worker could do that I am not already doing, other than her feet and bullying her into basic cleanliness, something I do struggle with mainly because of her objections. I can hardly force her. She was given some medicines for a rash after the last visit to the doctor, a liquid soap, then different creams to follow morning and night. She never remembered and was confused when I reminded her. If I didn’t put them out with large numbers on so she knew which came first, she never would have used them.
Forgot to mention but, after the hospital ‘drying out’ period all those years ago she was prescribed monthly visits to a psychiatrist. By that time she was drinking gallons of coffee and I mentioned it to him thinking it encouraging, but he wasn’t at all pleased saying it was a replacement addiction almost as bad as the alcohol. Most of the time with him was wasted anyway, he was an Indian who loved the opportunity to speak English but only on his 2 favourite subjects, cricket and rugby. Not much time was devoted to Fran. Nowadays the coffee drinking has modified but hasn’t gone away, but the chocolate biscuits disappear at an alarming rate. Just now I found an egg box empty but for half of a shell and the remains of the contents dried up in the other compartments. She hates eggs and has no idea what happened, she can’t have dropped it by accident because there is no trace of the other half anywhere, and she doesn’t do any cleaning at all. Mystery.
We’ll see after next Friday the best way forward perhaps.
We thought when we came to France that when had finished with the gite that, perhaps, we would be able to use it for a live-in couple should we need it, with the wife helping out in the house and the husband in the garden and doing odd jobs whilst maintaining his own employment.
Do you know the rules regarding this and is this a feasible proposition?
And check the facts before reporting.
They are like BoJo, if it is a good story why bother.
Logement contre services…can be done. Start here:
1 Like
Thanks Jane, we will look into it.
Please make an appointment to see the gp. An ordonnance may be possible for a carer.
We have just met a lovely lady from our local agency to provide care from our disabled daughter. She has an ordonnance from the gp and has had an assessment of her needs.
I am not sure whether it the same procedure for your wife. But you need to ask the gp!
1 Like
Already done Karen, but the first available is next Friday at 9.30. I will be telling her all then and we’ll see where we go from there. Thank you.
Sending you lots of strength and best wishes David 
That’s great David. Our gp ended up sitting in front of me instead of behind his lovely big desk as he saw how tired I am. It was strange for a medical professional to actually see me and not my daughter’s mother.
I suspect keeping people at home is more important in France and they therefore help this to happen where it is possible.
But it is a bit scary and overwhelming.
So take care of yourself as well
Thank you both. Apart from anything else, worry about her, the selfish knowledge that she could kill us all. I ‘banned’ her from smoking in the living room, too many soft furnishings, her clothes are full of holes where she has dropped or fallen asleep with a lit cigarette. Fortunately less a risk now thanks to M.Gauloise (or possibly the government) in that their cigarettes go out if not sucked on regularly, one reason why she often sits there for ages with a ‘dead’ one in her mouth.
I hate cooking, but if I didn’t do it she might try to takeover and the thought of her in charge of electricity is frightening.
Because of her alcoholism we haven’t had wine for years, but yesterday I saw 4 beautiful wine glasses upturned on the the kitchen worktop. She had reached for them from a high cabinet ‘for dusting’ she thought, but couldn’t remember doing it.
My BIL is starting along that road, and my sister is already stressed out and at her wit’s end. (Eg she no longer has a car as he crashed the last one, and if there’s a car outside he will want to drive and she can’t face that thought or the arguments trying to stop him)
So how you have managed for years is to your huge credit. You deserve the social care team to help you now!
4 Likes