French social care for elderly

Health Care & Carte Vitale
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First an update. She finally arose at 6pm yesterday then, despite my advice to go to the bathroom where I can supervise her washing (I have to instruct her at every stage, wet the flannel, hold it out for me to put the special liquid soap on (otherwise it will be all over along with the following cream which she almost blocked the bidet with before), instruct her how to use it, rinse the flannel well and then rinse herself, dry herself and hold out her hand for me to put a blob of the special cream on), she decided to get dressed in a warm woollen jacket and a voluminous black satin skirt. So sad that all that had to come off again for the washing but afterwards I helped her back into the clothes she had chosen. She ate part of a small chicken haunch at dinner, I’ll mix the leavings in with our dinner tonight, and a small sweet tart for pudding using a Fortimel drink as custard.

One good thing though, she seems to have completely forgotten about smoking, no more sitting with unlit cigarettes in her mouth while flicking a lighter. The last packet I gave her at her request was on September the 5th.

Of the other points raised by several of you, I will check with the doctor soon about the possibility of infection, but I think she would have thought of that herself if she thought it applied here.
I have looked at the Alzheimer Society website and while it may be useful I think it will be interaction with fellow carers and at the moment I seem to be finding enough good people on here who know what they are talking about. :slightly_smiling_face:
The mixture of confusion and awareness is frequent. Towards bedtime last night (later because of her 36 hour ‘sleep’) I urged her to make a move. She said ‘where am I going?’, I replied ‘to bed, it is time for bed’, she said plaintively ‘but where is it, I don’t know the way?’ Heartbreaking.
@Teapot I recognise and try to keep to those points, though she has had no sense of smell for decades (blames it on the first husband’s fists). I feel guilty when I can’t understand what she is trying to say, partly, in common with me, an age thing, she can’t find the words, but then when she does they are very unclear. Decisions she really struggles with, any question as to choice of what to have for dinner for instance produces an agonisingly long period of doubt and confusion. Walking is slow and shuffling, but we can laugh about it, while leading her gently by the hand to bed last night I was forced to adopt the same shuffling gait, which caused her to burst into a fit of the giggles at how silly I looked. :laughing:

I presume by drinking you mean alcohol. She is a recovering alcoholic but been dry for around 15 years, but just to be sure, there is to her knowledge no alcohol in the house (I store gifts from grateful French adopters of dogs I have delivered) and I don’t drink at all here. Normally her liquid intake is coffee, her first binge addiction after alcoholic treatment, lemonade and water.
I forgot to answer your question about the loo, and lack of visits there, she wears pads and, good though they are, I fear that they encourage dependence and elimination of the necessity to go.

I’ll wake her soon and see if I can get her up, and back on track to a normal daily routine, that 36 hour hiatus was no good for either of us.

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Hi,
No, I didn’t mean alcohol, just was she keeping her fluid intake up, as insufficient fluid intake can lead to urinary infections.
Not casting aspersions!
Switching to decaff coffee might be a good idea.
Don’t give her too many choices, or “Hobson’s choice” to ease some of her confusion.
I’m sure you will find lots of help on the Alzheimer Society website. Good luck and don’t forget to look after yourself too. it’s easy for carers to burn out x

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Sorry, didn’t mean to infer that you did mean alcohol, it was just that, because of her history of addiction the term comes naturally to me. :slightly_smiling_face:

Decaff coffee would mean a complete change for us, unless it can be bought in a form intended for filters?

Not a lot of choices in this house, I hate cooking and, now forced to do it, do as little as I can, so giving her an either or is easy.

I can well believe your last point, I fight against extreme anger and depression, which I try, not sure successfully, to keep from her, but at the same time it is offset by the hilarious episodes that we share when something silly strikes a chord, and, of course, the dogs. :grinning:

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Fran went to bed last night, fully dressed I found when I came to switch the light out, but this morning was very amenable to my request at 8.30 for her to get up, very early for her.
She allowed me to undress her and take her to the bathroom, where, after she had been to the toilet, I washed her and then dressed her myself. Much quicker than the wheedling that has been necessary when left to her.
A good sign I think as far as care is concerned, and also for my own sanity. To be proactive seems to be the way to go. I was very worried because again last night she ate hardly anything, but spent an hour cutting everything on her plate to the minutest pieces, then abandoned it to the fridge. This means that she has eaten the equivalent of one chicken haunch and 2 slices of apple tart in the last 90 hours or so, though has consumed some of the Fortimel drinks.
This morning, after being dressed she allowed me to bring her to her easy chair in the living room, much more comfortable than the dining chairs where she often slumps in partial sleep.
I’ll try in a moment to persuade her to have some lunch, perhaps frying up last night’s leftovers might tempt her, with a Fortimel too of course. I have to take charge of those drinks now, she wastes so much with her habit of drinking half of one then opening another. There are 6 half bottles in the fridge at the moment.

Forgot to mention, as the BBC is suffering from the weather or whatever, and therefore no radio 4 this morning, I put Arte on and she has watched with interest the documentaries, but also before that, the news on BFM. :smiley:

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Would she drink coconut water? You can get 1litre packs these days alongside the long life orange juice packs in most large supermarkets. Coconut water is very hydrating. One thing that makes elderly confusion worse can be dehydration because they are not drinking enough - often an issue in hospitals and care homes because no one is checking on them.
Coconut water has a pleasant, light flavour and might be something she enjoys.

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She says she will, I’ll have a look in the supermarket next time, but it is one of the smaller Auchans that used to be called Simply, so may not stock it. Good suggestion, thank you.

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I’m getting round to filling in all the forms for the dossier which presumably is to be presented to the Assistante Sociale when she/he arrives on Tuesday, and have at least one simple question.

Am I, as Fran’s carer, the Demandeur, or is it her, the recipient? I think the former but am not sure.
What, or rather who, is an Aidant? Can’t find it in my dictionary.

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From here

I think that it is a caregiver (you).

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I think she is the demandeur as consumer of the service being requested ie the applicant and you are the aidant (carer)

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If your application is for L’APA it is the “allocation personnalisée d’autonomie” so I imagine it is your wife who “applies”.

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Thank you, all three of you, now you say it it seems obvious. Don’t know why I didn’t see it before.

And yes, Jane, it is for L’APA.

I’ll get it all filled in tomorrow, on my copied blanks, and then will show it to Marie-Paule, our neighbour, before filling in the original. She is the one who did all the phoning to set it all up for me.

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David, you can get proper decaf coffee (ie to use in your filter). If she drinks a lot of it it may help a bit if it is deregulating her sleeping.

Good luck with the forms x

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Thank you, I have it on the list for next shopping day. :wink:

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Although it is hard work I have come to the conclusion that ‘force’ is necessary to get Fran up in the morning (well middayish), toiletted, washed, medicines taken, dressed and seated. She promises everything and delivers nothing, repeated requests to get up always fail, despite agreement each time. This morning from pulling back her covers to seated and completed was only 20 minutes.:open_mouth: It has taken an hour and a half before and the same thing in reverse at night. I gave way to anger last night, she wasn’t frightened, just open mouthed in non comprehension. I know it isn’t her fault, and said so once I settled her and apologised. I had asked her to go to the bathroom and undress on her way there. Half an hour later (I know she is very slow so this is realistic) I went through to see her sitting fully clothed at the kitchen table. I saw red and had to leave the room after getting another promise from her to get to her feet and undress. 5 minutes later I went back to find her in exactly the same position, I held both her hands and gently but forcefully brought her to her feet then undressed her completely before doing our ‘choo-choo train shuffle’ to the bathroom, that’s me shuffling backwards holding her hands. A good memory for where everything is, is essential. :wink: :rofl:

The morning is different. I wake her once (well she is normally always awake anyway by that time) and invite her to rise. She agrees but does not move, so I promise to return after my swim. This should persuade her, warm hands now or cold ones later, but it never does. So when I return I go through with my ‘threat’. After 5 minutes in 12C I am warm and cosy inside but my skin is very cold on the outside. Amazing how easily I can persuade her out now. :rofl: Again, 15 minutes to ‘seated and completed’. I don’t fool myself though, it won’t always be so easy.

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David I think you are right, and I also think you need to stop beating yourself up about ‘forcing’ her. Helping her up physically, helping her dress etc rather than ‘asking’ and her basically forgetting probably, is NOT force, It is far better than her lying in bed all day, not being washed, not taking her meds, having her cream etc. I know how deeply upsetting it is for you but if there is some way that you can rethink it as actually being kind by helping her pull her blankets back, giving her a hand to stand up and get to the bathroom etc is a KINDNESS. What you are doing for her is incredibly hard and you are going to need to find ways to make it as easy as you can and if that worked this morning then keep at it.

From what you have said I would genuinely suggest that she is either forgetting as soon as you walk out of the room OR the steps required are just too overwhelming for her. I would probably leave her be, go for your swim (at least you know she is safe in bed), have your coffee calmly when you get back then get her up with cheerfulness as you described you helped her do so this morning.

When I was nursing I worked as a sister in an old folks home. We had a locked high level dementia unit. They needed to be behind a locked door for their own safety (and that of others in some cases) and there is NO way the majority of them (nor those not yet in the unit) could get up and dressed on their own. That was why we had the carers there to get everyone up, washed, dressed and breakfasted while I would go around with the medications.

You are trying to do it all alone, please don’t be hard on yourself and don’t think you are forcing her (force would be using any sort of violence verbal or physical) and from what you described what you have done was done gently and with love pulling her up and ‘choo choo training’ her to keep her safe.

You are often in my thoughts as you are doing it tough, please keep talking to us, I’m sure it helps sharing what is going on so you don’t feel so alone until you get more carers sorted out. If you ever need to please also feel free to PM if you have questions or need to vent more privately.

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Thank you Tory, it does mean a lot the response I am getting here from you and all the others, yes I know she is safe when I am not here because she can hardly move unaided. This was proved yesterday when I called to her to come through for her dinner, there was a mighty crash, she had lost balance and fallen back hitting her head on a piece of furniture. No damage done but a salutary lesson for the future.

Ironically, in the 80s and 90s she herself was a care assistant doing what I am doing now but for about 30 or 40 oldies, often alone on a night shift to deal with any eventualities. None of us are immune.

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Busy day today, this morning to Marie-Paule’s with my completed copy of the dossier form for her to check. All was ok but for a couple of documents I need to produce proving our various pensions, but she said it was not for me to fill the form in, it was for the Assistante. However, the fact that I had done so made it so much easier than me answering questions for her to enter the results.

The AS arrived on time at 2pm and wasn’t fazed by the dogs but she didn’t know why I wanted to see her. I explained that I had at first decided against but strong advice on here and from M-P was that I should get into the system in case of things overwhelming her later. She was still confused, and M-P was out of the house so we just got on with checking all the documents and me photocopying a whole lot more for her to take and put into order later. Quite by chance I received a letter in the post this morning from Amelie confirming the continuation of Fran’s ALD 100%, so she took a copy of that. Most opportune that because the only documentation we have is a photocopy of a photocopy of a very faded feuille given to us by the previous doctor and was almost completely impossible to read.

What with her mask and my tension I got more adrift and my French rapidly disappearing but finally we got to the end and she asked Fran to sign in a little box at the bottom. She tried, but not even the first F was legible and the rest dribbled away out of the box. I suggested that I sign pp and that was acceptable. I asked Fran if she had forgotten her name and she nodded, but it wasn’t that, she simply couldn’t manage the act of writing. I was asked if I/we wanted her to go into a home but I said no very quickly. I know that is not what she wanted and I can cope for the time being, but I do wonder how long it will be before I can’t. I am so tired, everyday, and it seems to have come upon us so rapidly. It was only 3 days ago that I assumed she was able to move around the house unaided, albeit slowly, but then she had that fall, now every move can only be done by holding my hands. She eats very little but seems to have cut down on meat in favour of the minute portions of veg that she eats, and she was an unreconstructed carnivore before. I may soon be able to concentrate on veg, but for the moment, trying to cut down on cooking, I find myself buying plastic packets of burgers or breaded fish.

Then, shopping in the afternoon at the supermarket, at least that bill is getting smaller and we are saving €70 a week by her forgetting that she is a smoker, the AS noticed her playing with lining up the matches and flicking the array of lighters she has before her, along with empty fag packet from which she managed to smoke the last cigarette 4 weeks ago. I leave it and the lighters there because she thinks she is smoking and it occupies her mind, without its presence I am sure she would be begging for another one.

I was shattered when I got back and all I wanted to do after unloading everything into the fridge and shelves was flake out, but I forced myself to put it off till I had taken the icy plunge (11C) into the pond, and am so glad I did, I felt so much better afterwards, although I feel a bit deprived as I only did 2 lengths instead of my usual 4 in trying to avoid the ‘brain freeze’, the intense pain across the forehead after the 3rd length. But I regret that now, the pain lasts only a few seconds but I feel cheated, I was enjoying it so much.

So we continue, tomorrow is an easy day, a walk with the dogs, a clear up round the garden after them, and then 4 lengths again. Definitely. :rofl:

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I’m just in after a huge loooong day and want to reply properly later but just wanted to say I think you have done the right thing and I’m personally a bit pissed off that the AS couldn’t see why you may need help, seems very odd.

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Hi , I know you have been getting great support from others but we have been through all this with my mum and my dad as carer in the last two years so I know exactly what you are going through. And if you want to talk I am here x

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Thinking of you David :pray: :hugs: You need to do 5 laps tomorrow to catch up :wink: 🏊‍♂