Fruity supermarkets

Any suggestion on what I can do with my 'out of date' Weetabix ?

Richard Desmond will herald it in his Daily Express, ukip will then naturally adopt it as policy and now we shall promises of food, plants and all other things detrimental to the health of people that are obviously imports banned when they are in charge.

On the other hand, since IDS wishes us all to live on gruel he will be very pleased and justify reducing pensions and all other benefits by 90% to stop us drinking melons and eating daffs....

Yep. I heard it too! I think some people may have trouble reading the label, which will no doubt have to be printed in all EU languages plus a few others. Better still why not have an audible alarm triggered when you lift the bulbs off the shelf warning that they are potentially poisonous. Alternatively those members of the Eugenics Society reading this may prefer to do nothing, thus ensure a speedier progression of natural selection. Meths drinkers might be thinking they have bought a very inexpensive wine.

Now, I read today, daffodils must be kept apart from food! Apparently people have bought the bulbs thinking they were onions and others thought the green stems were a Chinese vegetable. Both are poisonous. Firstly, is reading becoming optional? Secondly, don't the yellow flowers carry a small clue? Thirdly, is there a person out there somewhere earning a fair whack thinking of new jobsworthinesses? Fourthly, I am convinced I did not oversleep and wake up on 01.04.2015!

... and (tralalala) gay!

Paul Dacre would be overjoyed!

Ah yes - forgot that one.

And being in favour of remaining in the EU.

Fermentation is a very long word for a check out operator, or security operator, whatever they are called. Just think of all the other hazardous risks that could result from a visit to Tescos. A surgeon friend of mine and my late wife described in detail (during a dinner party) the nature of various objects which they had been obliged to remove from within the persons of supermarket customers in the A and E theatres. We must assume that all such customers will shortly be issued with a comprehensive list of things not to do with such products. I vaguely knew a late MP who was removed from the coat hook of his bathroom door with an orange in his mouth and a placcy bag over his head. Had he been issued with a warning at the time his life may well have been saved, or, again, not.

Being a member of the Labour Party AND also being a Muslim asylum seeker would have rounded their week off nicely. Still, can't have it all.

It could only be the Daily Grail. I suppose the checkout operator was also a member of the Labour Party! A real scandal (in their terms).

Maybe the checkout guy used to work at the local authority and asked "Great melons- do you have a licence for them?" but the finesse got lost in the excitement. Will the surname Williams be banned because it could refer to a nice pear? Bristol is obviously out and hare dishes clearly need very careful handling. Personally I've always been partial to peaches, although I know Dylan preferred figs.![](upload://aiJgD1uLaRBA9kyd7CO1xCNPQyo.jpg)

Just as I was thinking about the dangers of the malt in malted milk being used to distil whisky ;-)

But, but...what???? Practically anything with sugar or starch in it can be fermented to produce alocholic beverages in varying degrees of disgustingness.

In extremis I have made an ale from porridge oats (tip - toast the oats in a slow oven to get a sort of malty flavour) or bread (that Hovis stuff with the malted grains in it is best - can't remember the name) and knew someone who managed to produce hooch from budgie seed. I've made "wine" from Ribena and something drinkable from Robinson's Barley Water.

Oddly I've never tried fermenting melons.

Supermarkets need to clamp down on this buying of anything at all NOW before we all sink into a quagmire of depravity.

Nick, you clearly need a very strong cup of something. But quick. Somebody might ban it in case the effect of it is to make you THINK and nobody in the ivory towers of power wants we proles thinking!

Brian: That is brilliant. I love it. Let's ban everything because someone, somewhere, somehow down the line may break a fingernail. OR we could just stand up and say "I am responsible for what I do and will answer to my actions"

Sorry, dreaming again.

It is sometimes like watching a Monty Python merged with Fawlty Towers sketch. A lot of odd looking men and a very few women shout at each other like demented Basil Fawltys and the Gumbies instead of answering questions or explaining anything in the place where they are supposed to be governing the country. Along comes a plum (no pun intended) like this that when the supermarket is put under pressure they will say is because of a government directive. In chain the EU will be blamed although no other country has any similar regulations, directives, practices or owt else.

Meanwhile, grapes will be withdrawn because they are suspected of being used for wine making, potatoes will be added to the fruit because of potcheen and then cucumbers because they are sliced into cocktails, tomatoes because they can be pulped for Bloody Mary, olives because of Martinis, lemons because of gin and tonic. Then somebody will realise the tonic encourages people to use gin. As for the apples and cider, pears and brillet belle de poire, oranges and Cointreau... The list in endless.

...and so the sketch continues and rather than laugh a stunned gobsmack prevails.