Loneliness - feeling lonely - go on admit it!

Animals
41

Gosh Frances,

You do sound despondent...you also sound 'stressed out'....I think you should look at whether you are getting enough sleep. I know that the lack of this has a very negative affect on myself in this respect.

I made a point of visiting and stopping off for a few days in Chartres the last time I drove over from the UK a year ago and I was not disappointed ( in fact I thought, if I wasn't so wedded to the notion of living in the sun and therefore committed to the SW, that I would enjoy living there with all that's available in that beautiful & historic place)....I just cant believe you've exhausted all avenues..I wonder if you have thought of joining a choir ?....a regular group activity, that might fill the void left by the loss of your violin playing.

http://www.cathedrale-chartres.org/fr/les-soirees-autrement,96.html

Over time, you are likely to make at least one or two firm friends there (something that I am thinking of doing myself, actually), so that is worth investigating. I concurr with Veronique that the relationship with your 'hermit' sounds very one-sided and unfullfilling, why stay put if that is really the case. I'm sure if you could afford to move into Chartres (which I can see from the map is not far from you) you too, would be more in the centre of where there is activity and life. I have two cats, which (you may not believe, are actually great company and nice little personalities to come home to, I would not be without them) but I know friends who have dogs who find that whilst out dog walking, they regularly strike up conversations with complete strangers and get to know people that way.

People living in the countryside in the UK, get together at weekly quiz evenings at the local pub....there may be somewhere in the village where you could instigate something like that ?

I do sympathise with you in your sadness to do with missing your daughter and her lack of response.

She is young and over time her attitude may well change but for now my advice is when you do have contact (perhaps email is best for most of the time -it is less of a tie, try to be as upbeat as possible. Perhaps if you try to 'mother her' from all that distance and at the age she is now, that could be why she is resisting phone contact. Also ,if you are unhappy what can she do about it ?

Try to plan conversations (whether emailed or not) and think how you would feel being on the receiving end .....are you sounding too needy or demanding perhaps, even though that's because you care ? Being more 'up' means that you wont reinforce her perception, that you have made a silly mistake (?)...or been irresponsible....You have come an awfully long way from New Zealand and must have been brave to uproot yourself and had good reason for doing so....

I belong to a fairly large extended family and I send and recieve regular emails, but they are widely scattered across the UK and all very busy with keeping food on the table and involved with children & grandchildren and don't have alot of time or a bottomless pit of cash, to travel here there & everywhere. Like you (particularly as a single person), I miss them and have in the past organised a rendezvous ( which ironically, I was then far too ill to attend) which however went ahead and was something of a success. As we get older, we are more concious of time ebbing away (especially with esteemed actors & musicians dropping dead at 69) and that probably reinforces the feeling of isolation....but dont let it get you down and actively fight those feelings by keeping busy by what ever means (read more, watch tv, mend something, redecorate, pamper yourself, go for a walk (but not in the rain).....hopes this helps...half the glass full ?

Best wishes,

42

I certainly did not want to be critical of the site which is very attractive and well put together as a description of you, and what you both can do, and how well you do it. The question it raises is what really is your target market, or in other words of the whole range of possible services, which might in an ideal world be the dominant one. That depends, for many of the services, on where you live, what sort of people live nearby and thus how big that market is. What I don't know is what question I would need to ask Google to come up with your website, assuming I did not know your name.

You are, of course, right that most local French people will already have contacts/arrangements to deal with things such as gardening, though the benefit of gardening is that it is continuous (at least for much of the year) while some of the other services are one-offs which mean endlessly finding new clients.

Bon courage

43

Avril, your website is very nice, not at all too sophisticated, as it’s clear what you are about, but as you are in France you need to have the option for potential clients to click on that French flag as well as that English flag…good luck… :wink:

44

/thank you for your message and the ideas, we have business cards and fliers printed, and have put adverts up in local shops too.

From what we can see our local French neighbours will either get family to do their work, or employ French tradesmen (employing the French nationals first) and I have to say I understand that, and it's very loyal to their own, but it doesn't help us!

I intend to get the website translated in a smaller way, condense it to one page, so that any French reading it will be able to see what we offer, but I can't afford translation fees at the moment...swings and roundabouts !

I will have to contact the website designer to have the address re added to the website too, thank you for pointing that out too.

45

Hi Avril I just wondered looking at your website if, in a way, it is almost too sophisticated. You have lovely photos and a large range of services but most are essentially local and the site does not (so far as I could see) say exactly where you are. You may well be trying other methods of getting work but I would have thought for many of these services (e.g. garden maintenance) small cards in local shops or put through letter boxes would be as effective as a website. What is the level of your French? The website is clearly aimed at expats but things like garden services are as much needed by the French.

I do hope you can make things work

46

Doing the rounds on Facebook for those who have tried everything suggested - and more!:

47

Looking for work ? Best chance is to register in all the interim-offices in the nearest town.

Cathy Thompson : children being rude at the teacher ? Moren then 20years ago in a Brussels school a teacher told off a "new" belgian of 6 years, the child kidded his leg and said : wait untill we take over the power.

48

I have just had another idea which may just help, not with being lonely but combating silence. We obviously all have access to the internet where you can find INTERNET RADIO but if your computer is tucked away in a small office in the deepest part on a renovated house then you will not even hear it if you are in the kitchen at the other end. So, if you have not got one I suggest an Internet Radio (Auna IR-130 Radio internet W-Lan Streaming - noir - This one looks just like mine but it is just one I found on the internet to give you an example and know what to look/ask for). We bought a cheap £80 one in the UK which I end up unplugging to turn off sometimes and it is a bit plasticy but it sits in the kitchen, wifi tuned to the internet and we can listen to Radio 1,2,3,4, french radio, or whatever, from around the world and if you save to favourites then no more searching and just that very familiar British voice (or whatever) chattering away in the background can certainly lift your spirits even if you are entirely alone. If you have a problem with your wifi reaching that far then invest in a "Wifi Range Extender" from Netgear for example.

49

re: cleaning fees

I agree with you John - we looked at it once to rent an apartment, and found the experience a little 'Ryanairesque' price advertised +commission + cleaning.... but if you are simply booking a B&B room it is a lot more straightforward.

50

Totally understand that - if you're not near a border it can add 2 hours driving time before you've even left the department!

51

Ha, ha I knew that would upset some men! I said nothing (very carefully) about machismo or weakness which are not the same as being masculine or having a feeling of helplessness.

52

Hi Valerie,

I am based in dept 86, the Vienne, so it may be a little too far for me. But appreciate the message and your time too.

53

Avril, this has just popped up on Facebook. It might be too far but if not I'll put your name forward.

"Can anyone recommend a property management service for gites , and for refurbishments in Charente or Charente Maritime. Could you PM me for or against please?"

54

Hi Melissa, I have advertised on both sites.

55

I didnt want prospective clients who look at the website put off with the lack of work we have at present, but the Testimonials are 100% true and all can be verified. I also have written references from some of the newer ones, so our work can be backed. But there was a little 'artistic licence' used on the blog. So I can understand what you are getting at. We have been struggling for the past two years. My husband used to be employed by a French company, but he has been self employed for three years now.

56

Hang on a second Melissa, not all men are macho-minded beings. Some of us aren't afraid to admit our weaknesses. Don't stereotype us please ! I personally don't and have never put on an act of bravado for whatever reason. It doesn't bother me if i'm seen as weak or whatever. Life is too short for all that rubbish !

57

This is really a ps Avril. Your husband would probably not be furious, but just not understand the need for you to put down on paper (unburden) your problems to "complete strangers" - which is exactly why you want to! When I started this discussion I did not mention it to my husband, though I knew he would see all the emails arriving if it took off and I just explained about the programme and that there are lonely people in France and he understood - ish. Men do not like to undermine their masculinity by showing helplessness. Your husband will be desperately trying to alleviate the situation and unable to - an economic situation out of his control. Women on the other hand learn to shout "help" quite early on in our lives as we usually take on the responsibility of children/animals and if one individual needs our attention urgently then we need to ask others, to step in and help with the rest. Perhaps if you get some positive, useful, responses you can broach the Discussion with him.

58

Your life is really difficult at the moment Avril, I wish you luck and I am sure there are many Brits in a similar position so you will have their sympathy.

No idea if they are any good but have a look at http://www.rootstockads.com/ to submit both classifieds and property. I found out about them at the same conference as SFN - and look how good that turned out to be!

59

Hi Avril, Your site is very good,you've got good photos of your house,which looks lovely,so you should be able to sell it.Reading your blog you say you've got lots of projects lined up, and up till summer you've been busy.Has it all gone bad so quickly?

Maybe the French are not into decorating their interiors as much as the English. My house badly needs painting but I don't have the cash to do it,things are tight for so many people.

60

Hi Peter, if you take a look at our website, www.avriljones.com, it will give you an idea of what we do. Interior and Exterior painting, garden, house, garage and barn clearance, garden maintenance, key holding service, Gite changeover service. But somehow we are just not getting work coming through, and we don't have the money to place adverts, so it's a vicious circle. We do have excellent references and testimonials, so can offer peace of mind to any prospective clients. Ex police service, ex military and my husband used to work for British Aristocracy in the UK.

If/when we sell our house, we will be moving back to the UK, if we can't find work here, we have no other option sadly.

If my husband knew I had written this he would be furious.