I’m adding my best wishes and hope for the future to all these others here.
I am sure that the supportive messages are as important and welcome as those offering practical advice.
Dear Gillian,
No-one has the right to force anyone to do anything. That’s the first point. Several years ago I went through many court battles to stop my ex-wife from taking the children to germany. I won every hearing and yet she still just left and took them. Possession is nine points of the law they say and in that instance they were right. I then had to take the legal process to germany and a german court granted access. The point is that it is the courts who will finally decide and they will do so with regard to the best interests of the children. Much depends on the ages of the children, whether or not they are settled in school etc. Also the financial situation of the parent with custody would be taken into consideration and much more. Your husband would find it extremely difficult to force you back to UK if you do not want to go as long as you are financially independant of him. Every break-up is different and traumatic so it is impossible, without knowing the people involved intimately, to offer any kind of advice. You will go through a huge range of emotions from fear to anger to frustration and back again and sometimes it is very difficult to be adult and objective but the one constant is to ensure that the children know that the problem lies with mum and dad and not with them. Just as the courts will always put the children first, so should you and your husband.
Thanks everyone!! Louise i’m in Conilhac Corbieres in the Languedoc. Where are you?xxx
hello Gillian,
So sorry to learn your news. I have also been down this path, My solicitor was British and I got divorced under British law but he specializes in anglo-french family situations. My son is now 4 and a half. If you would like to talk, please do call. 0493 676833. I am in tonight.
Where do you live?
Thinking of you,
Louise
Wow, Gillian, sadly I cannot offer any useful advice, but I did want to send a kind & encouraging word to support you in this very, very difficult time. I have also been through some hellish times in my lifetime, but not with kids to consider. Please accept whatever support & courage a person you have never met can send. Good luck & very kind wishes - you will get through this! Tina
Hello Gillian
So sorry to hear of your plight. I am here if you want a shoulder or a brainstormer or a good researcher of information
Simon
So sorry to hear about your situation. like pretty much everyone so far I’d say speak to a lawyer asap and contact the various help groups/associations too. as for UK or France, I’m not a lawyer so I can’t answer that. all i do know is that if you can sort things out amicably a UK divorce can cost very little indeed (my case 10 years ago). you’ve mentioned the other thing I was going to say - money, you obviously need to support yourself and the kids… the good news is I think you’ll be far better off inFrance than in the UK if you qualify for everything that’s on offer here.
As others have said - he’s leaving/abandoning you so you are in a strong position - make the most of it. As for schooling at home it’s brilliant for kids but I’d second the comment that your kids are missing out on going to school in France and everything that goes with it (even if the education received might be worse!).
Best of luck and if I dare to say it, and it’s meant in a 100% positive way, "it’s not the end of the world even if it might feel like it.
Bon courage !
Holding you in my thoughts…
God Bless You…and may He guide you all… through this uncertain time.
https://www.livemocha.com/
That’s a free language course site where you interact with native speakers. It might help get you started.
I am a long way from you, in the centre of France, but I would be sure that its the same proceedure. Your lawyer will give you a form to fill in to apply for legal aid, thats the first step. Its all very hard and my divorce took longer than expected, I was told that if everything is amicable then it could take three months, nearly two years later, but its finished now, You can enrole in French classes, infact the Maison d’emploi offer you free lessons, might be worth a try. My ex-husband and I agreed on an amount for the children, yes be civil infront of the kids if possible, Keep positive, you are the most important person. Your kids will be fine, they have alot of adjustments to do, but with your love and support they will get through it. I have three children, they are now settled. I had to move and buy another house, that was a challenge in itself. I wish I was closer to you, we could have a cuppa, or a glass together. I wish you good luck and please feel free to write anytime. Jackie xxx
How sad and awful for you. An English friend in our village is just going through a divorce (I don’t know if its come to this yet with you) but she found it was much better to go through it in England. She has very little money but decided to go to a lawyer. So far the solicitor and barrister has cost her £17,000 (she has pawned jewelry etc) and her husband £24,000. It is often better to go to a mediator (which also looks better for you if it comes to a Court). She obtained a Court order for money from her husband before the divorce but he just didn’t pay. Eventually they both sat down and sorted it between them and sacked the lawyers.
Good luck (I have also been divorced). Not fun. Ben
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. For the legal part go to the association: Centre d’information de droits de la femme et la famille. CIDFF.
Hi Gillian, I too was left by my Husband last August. It has been a hard 13 months but my two children and I are “getting there”. We are getting divorced in the UK as the language was an issue for getting a divorce in France. I have been advised by a French solicitor that the divorce and the custody/access for the children should also be dealt with in the UK. I hope you can get things sorted as quickly as possible.
Good luck
Tracey
Hi Jackie,
I live in Conilhac Corbieres, inbetween Carcassonne and Narbonne.
xx
Where are you?
Gill x
I am overwhelmed by all these messages!!! this is such a great site. I can’t thank you all enough for all your advice. I am going to get a lawyer and sort this all out. I feel so much better now and more confident.
He came to pick the kids up this morning to have them for the night at his mum and dads and we were very civil with each other (have to be in front of the kids) and I think that is the way I am going to conduct myself with him from now on. As hard as it is I need to accept that the marriage has ended and the love has gone and put that to one side and just concentrate on my rights and the kids. As far as I’m concerned we will stay here and if he chooses to return to the UK then that is his decision and very sad for the kids.
My biggest worry is the financial side of it. I have nothing and obviously no income so I really need to find out what assistance I can get and how much he has to pay us for our food. I can live very frugally (have been doing it for ages anyway) so hopefully it wont be too much of a problem. Just wish my French was better!!!
I feel so much better.
Thanks so much everyone.
Giving you all an electronic hug!!!
Gill xxxx
Hi Gill
I’m sorry to hear of your plight; my wife & I are (hopefully) coming to the end of the divorce process here, as it began in January & we were told it would only take three months end to end.
I’ve nothing more useful to add other than what’s already been said about getting a lawyer, by personal recommendation maybe, & getting his professional advice, in addition to all the advice & support you’ve had here.
I’d also be very interested to hear how long other peoples’ divorces have taken here,even if it means starting another thread.
Hi Gill,
Where do you live??? I have recently divorced here in France. Jackie x
Hello Gill, I am separated from my husband, and (hopefully) getting to the end of the divorce procedure here in France. First things first, get a lawyer. They can give you the best advise, but basically he can’t take your children out of the country without your permission. (If you are on low income you can apply for ‘Aide Judiciale’ which will pay a percentage, if not all, of your lawyer’s fee, and the first consultation is free). I didn’t get a lawyer in the beginning because of money and my husband came out with all sorts of things that weren’t true and because I was vulnerable and scared (and poor!) I believed everything and made bad decisions. The other thing about getting a lawyer is that they will get your child maintenance sorted quickly.
Secondly, homeschooling is not considered ‘neglect’ so there is no way he can use this against you in any way - I teach homeschooled children for a living, and if I could, I would homeschool my children too.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. Please feel free to send me a message if you want more advice about separating in France, or a sympathetic ear from someone whose been there!
Christine
I have seen this happen before and I am sorry for it.
The most important thing is to stay in France and get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. If administered by French law, it will take a minimum of 5 years to make it through the courts. As he left and unless there is some unusual circumstance, you will maintain control of the home, with the kids. Because the bureaucracy is so lugubrious, it will wear him down. But consult a lawyer in the UK as well.
He cannot force you back to the UK, as I understand it. But you are entering what can only be called a very difficult and painful period.
I wish you luck.
R
Ask around for a word of mouth recommendation if you can, for a lawyer. You definitely need one. In French law, your husband has abandoned the family home so you are in a strong position.
But do get a lawyer, and don’t forget to ask how much it will cost. I doubt you’ll be able to go down the ‘amicable’ route, so you’ll have to fight your corner with your own lawyer.
Best of luck. I’ve been through divorce here and it’s not nice, predictable or cheap.