Your French could be much better soon. I do recommend the Pimsleur language courses to you. These courses will cost you at max 30 minutes a day, not a minute more. Someone who never heard French before can make him/herself understood in 8 days, speaks basic French well after finishing Pimsleur French I after 30 days. High level (French III) can be done in 90 days of between 21 and 30 minutes per day.
In case you like to try let me know so I can send you my DVD.
I definitely do not agree with your idea about the ‘huge benefit’ of having children in (French) school. The better results of home schooling all over the planet are such that most knowledge game shows like Jeopardy exclude home-schooled children because they always come out winners. By far!
French language and social adaptation would be the only benefits for the children. And for Gillian the only benefit might be having more time for herself.
My bi-lingual nephew and niece are in French schools and soon I noticed the ‘sheepling’ effects. From the very intelligent toddlers they once were I’ve witnessed them becoming drilled children, instead of being educated to think for themselves and flexibly use their brains. Not good at all!
Hi Gillian, we are all here for you on SFN and I hope that this will bring you some comfort and support when times are hard.
I do remember when friends and acquaintances have been through a marriage breakdown that the men often seem to make unenforcable threats to get their way, so when you have your legal representation, make sure that he does all this through your lawyer and take no notice of his demands (hard I know).
Hi Gill I’m really sorry to hear what has happened. If you would like legal advice my husband can help you. He is a very experienced family lawyer who has experience of international divorce and family matters and he will be able to advise you. Please add me as a friend and contact me by email for his phone number. Thanks Grace
Hey Gillian. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Like others in this post, I too faced this --four years ago – and I am still picking up the pieces. I wanted to give you the one bit of advice that I wish had been given to me. My advice is to take care of YOURSELF. I know I was so frightened that my 6 year old son would be hurt by his father’s abandonment that I almost destroyed myself trying to keep his father in his life. I know now that it was not possible to stop my son from being hurt. I think now that we would all have ended with fewer scars if I’d packed myself and my son off to my family for a month or two to heal. I urge you to protect and nurture yourself so that you can be strong for your kids and they are not forced into being strong for you. That means putting your own needs first. It is absolutely not your responsibility to preserve or nurture their relationship with their Dad - that is his job now ( should he wish to assume it). So don’t go being TOO reasonable and civil. It’s OK to say that you don’t want to even see your ex for the next 3 months or whatever you need. And if it is best for you to stay in France now, stay. And if you want to run home with your kids to your mother or move in with a sister–do that, Whatever is best for you. I am not talking about being vindictive here or of denying your husband access to his kids -but what your kids will need most is a strong and secure mother. YOu can take care of the future when you are stronger – and when you are ready. In the meantime there’s not much that is going to happen in a hurry, so take some time out.
What a tough time for all of you. I hope you manage to find a way of agreeing things in the shortest time possible so you can all settle into a new life.
On the practical side, you´re going to have to spend a lot of time in offices of one kind of professional or another, and you´ll have to keep your wits about you. I totally respect your wish to home school, but perhaps you could combine it with a period of daycare on non-school days so that you have some 9am to 5pm time to do the paperwork and meetings. My town has a ´centre de loisirs´ which provides childcare on Wednesdays from early until late. It would give your kids a chance to interact with other children and give you a chance to concentrate on the formalities for a short time. Just make sure they know how to ask to go to the toilet in French before they start!
My best friend in the UK, my sister-in-law in Paris and one of my friends here are all going through a very similar time, and from listening to them, I think that you need to choose some helping hands from around you - on your own terms as much as possible. Make the most of the good days (there will be some!) and make use of your friends and helpers on the bad ones.
My advice to you would he to go to your local mairie and ask them to put you in touch with an “assistante sociale”. They should do this willingly as there are small children involved, and you are being subject to threatening, unreasonable behaviour by their father. As far as I know, your husband has no power to force you to move back to the UK…this is not the Middle Ages for heaven’s sake! Don’t let him intimidate you or confuse you with threats…it sounds as though you need to talk to the assistante sociale (basically a social worker)…good idea to take someone to interpret if your French is minimal…you could well be entitled to legal aid but the assistante sociale will be able to advise you on that.
Keep your chin up, and above all don’t let this horrid behaviour intimidate you and cause you to panic.
Thinking of you and your children…let me know how you get on at the mairie…
Thankyou Lucy and Shelby and everyone else. So many people to reply to!!
Not having a good night tonight, keeps hitting me in waves and I just cannot believe this is happening. So so sad. I never in my wildest dreams thought my kids were going to have to go through this, I thought we were so stable.
All my friends and my sister in England are saying I should go back to the UK where they can help me but I have no home there and this is where I want to be. I can make more friends here, I’m sure of it.
I am definately going to get legal advice and email my husband all my concerns and questions so that I have it down electronically.
So grateful to you all.
xxx
I have not taken the time to read all the answers but I would say to:
1 see a social worker at the mairie to see what can you get as help in a material way
2 get a lawyer. Perhaps your embassy can give you some addresses rather than the city hall.
My daughter is a social worker. She has informed me in similar situations with people we know. You hold the cards because your husband deserted you.
Document everything. Every phone conversation and visit and threat. Don’t let anything slide. He is in the wrong to have deserted you and you have that on your side.
Hi Gillian
Sorry - I can’t help with anything practical - but I do feel for you and hope that you will be able to resolve things quickly! I agree with those who have said that legal representation/advice is the most important thing to get - as soon as you can!
Pretty sure that the Law is pretty sharp about crossing International Borders with children. So he would certainly need legal back-up to do that! Not sure that him deciding that he wants to move back to UK will be sufficient grounds for him to get permission!!
Hang in there - and I hope that it will all work out for the best - even though I am sure it doesn’t seem likely at the moment!!
Thinking of you - and sending an electronic hug - as sometimes that is what one needs most!
Ordinarily I would suggest that you get separate bank accounts, and feed each account with your own incomes.
However, if you dont have any income, then hang onto his for as long as possible!
One of the overriding principles I have noticed in France is that the state makes sure kids dont suffer. So I am guessing a trip to the local social security office, taking with you a good french speaker, to ask what financial support you can get in the short term, would be a good idea.
I definitely would recommend getting the kids into French school, you can keep their English up to date, and then you can “give them” french, for free, what a great present that will be!!!
You will definitely need some French language yourself, I recommend Michel Thomas CD’s ( you can pick them up on ebay second hand).
They are great for dunces like me ( CSE French) and gives you the confidence to start speaking quickly, all without putting pen to paper, which appealed to me.
There seem to be others here who have first hand experience and I am sure that when you contact them, you will start to feel better!
Hi Gillian. As others have said, my thoughts are with you during what is an incredibly difficult time for you and the kids. My ex did some horrible things, but I came through it and so will you although you probably find it hard to believe right now. I am in Lagrasse, so if you need a shoulder or just want to come over for a cuppa, please do. I know what you are going through right now. It will get better. I met a wonderful man after my asshole of an ex left me for the younger version, and we have just celebrated 20 years together. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but until you get there (and you will), you have all your friends and your SFN friends to get you through this. Get legal advice a.s.a.p. Thinking of you. xxx Sheila
Gillian, I was just reading a post on this thread earlier about the UK solicitors costing £17000. I took on my lawyer in May 2010, and I only received my first bill yesterday which was for 270euros. The lawyer has fixed the total cost at 800 euros, after the 25% reduction I received as Aide Judiciale. Another thing that no one has mentioned her is your Assurance Maladie. You will be able to remain on your husbands Securite Sociale no. for 12 months, after which you will need your own. I think that if your husband is returning to the UK this will be more urgent for you, but once you have been to your lawyer you will be offically separated and you can apply for CMU Complementaire which means that you and the children are 100% covered medically. Thinking of you at this difficult time. Christine
I can’t help you with the legal thing but so sorry to hear of your situation. Fair play to all the people who have offered support. I am in the Var not terribly far please feel free to mail me if you need to just sound off.
Gillian everyone means well but i was in the same situation in the uk, my wife left me and the children 25 years ago, first thing is to stop all bank accounts and see an english speaking solicitor he /she will give you sound advice, my wife didnt want the children though she tried to make it very difficult and used them as a weapon the court will recognise that and depending on the childrens age they may have an imput, as was said to me 25 years ago it will get better and it does you dont think so at this moment but it does get better believe me
