Mrs Kipling would probably eat "exceedingly good cakes" - if allowed

So I says to myself, "A night of footie on the box; the final of Euro 2012. Just the way to spend a Sunday evening alone."

A quick foray into the kitchen to grab a cold beer from the fridge and a packet of crisps (diet free of course) and a bowl of cashew nuts (unsalted) from the cupboard and back into the sitting room in time for the kick-off.

Comfortably seated I then begin the usual scramble for the remote control which, as is its wont, is never to be found just when I need it.

I try looking under the sofa and behind the cushions. Nada.

I athletically and gracefully get down on all fours to see whether it's hiding from me somewhere on the floor.

No luck.

I try the study thinking perhaps I had left it there for no good reason in particular.

It's neither on my desk nor on the shelves.

The dining room? No sign.

Aaaaaargh! The remote control is now officially missing and time is ticking away.

So I retrace my steps into the kitchen thinking I might have inadvertently left it lying around on the counter while preparing my "feast" and there gazing up at me from her basket is Mrs Kipling supplementing her daily diet with the remains of her latest "toy".

Yep, my back hadn't been turned for more than a few moments, but that had been more than enough time for my five-year-old rescue Lab to do the deed.

TV remote - used, one careless owner

Mrs Kipling arrived just a couple of weeks ago.

She's another one of those sad stories of a dog dumped at the local animal shelter because a breeder no longer had any use for her.

A pedigree dog with the papers to prove it, she had spent the first four years of her life as a puppy machine but clearly hadn't been paying her way.

Not an unfamiliar story sadly.

The transition from caged kennel life via a couple of weeks at the SPA to the novelty, freedom and stimulation of a real loving home has come at a price - materially speaking.

A breed reputed to have a dustbin appetite and a "live to eat" philosophy, Mrs Kipling is proving herself to be a typical Lab, albeit one coping with her past and coming to terms with her present.

Just look at the "damage" after little under one month.

Two tubes of eye ointment for dogs.
Half a kitchen scourer.
A birthday card to a friend.
One gardening glove shredded.
A cloth napkin which met a similar fate.
One lowbrow book mashed (Harlan Coben actually, proving she doesn't have impeccable taste)
An incense stick holder - wooden - chewed beyond reasonable use

There's clearly no end to this gal's bizarre and varied appetite and doubtless there'll be more to come.

But patience is and remains the name of the game and a watchful eye of course to ensure that she doesn't try to down something that might do (her) real damage.

And that match?

Well, I just had to figure out how to turn the telly on and change channels manually.

I can live with that.

Mrs Kipling - strike a pose

Hi J S, just a little aside to your story, exceedingly good cakes, the voice behind that advert when it first appeared belonged to a certain Mr Sparks who lived in Smarden, Kent. My home town / village, it's a village but was granted town status as a market town a long time ago. I digress, my father worked for him as a gardener and I worked on his house in my early years as a carpenter. He is long since passed away and am not who's voice is used now.

Regular labrador creamy yellow, Johnny, we had an Australian friend around at the time who called all mates Blue, so we lumbered the dog with it as a name.

I won't disclose which word I meant...

My ta'caxxa is only the size of a springer spaniel but, lummy, can that girl eat. Jaws of iron, I fib you not. She is more than happy to sit with a rock, brick or plastic bottle and simply chew. Usually the rocks or bricks are spat out but it has been known for the coloured bottle tops to disappear, followed a couple of days after by orange or blue coloured poop. Insane.

Many years back, we had a labrador, named Blue. He was the most delightful dog imaginable and just loved everybody. People who were afraid of dogs stopped being afraid after five minutes of Blue. His manners were impeccable, he was gentle and affection - a big softie. Except that he learned to open the fridge and eat everything he fancied. Except that when we put a hasp and padlock on the fridge and he broke the hasp off. Except when we put a chain round the fridge and he learned how to push it down to the floor. Except when we moved the fridge to the outside building and were inconvenienced by inclement weather. But apart from that he was wonderful.

Oh Johnny that's priceless and your list of destruction had me laughing out loud. I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or just happy that the dog has such a great new home. She looks absolutely adorable. I take it she won't like a big, solid chewy toy?

And on that note, many years ago we ran a disco for the kids in the village back in the uk, we sold drinks and sweets etc on this particular day we had been to the wholesale sweet warehouse and had a large supply of sweets amongs them a 7lb bag of cola bottles the sugary type sweet and 7lb bag of jelly babies, leaving everything on the table we had to go out again on returning ,you have guessed it, both of my rescue OES had had a field day most of the bags remained untouched except for the cola bottles and jellie babies 14lb of sweets gone, apart from rushing out to restock over the next few days we were very handy with the hose pipe hoseing down both the dogs and their exercise area

30 years later we had two OES pups one of them had my mobile collecting all the bits found the battery missing after a thorough search off to the vets both dogs x rayed no battery, the dogs dont change just the items they chew these same pups chewed a oak kitchen unit to bits one afternoon just before the house went on the market for us to move to france Molly the female half of the pups bit the end of my finger off accidentaly i add but it did hurt accidentaly or not

Oh you made me laugh! I have 2 labs, they ate, the legs of my massage table my friends new boot, just the one, the mobile, the tv control, a million tupperware boxes, my bra, and at least a tonof butter before I realised I wasn't washing the butter dish every night.............................!!!! They havenow stopped anda re just well behaved adorable teddy dogs. Oh yes I glasses got scoffed too, have you ever tried looking for you specs without them on.....?????

A tail with a sting. Our mutt specialises in pencils and biros, plus the occasional shoe. Our GSD looks on in abject horror and slinks away when the perpetrator is about to get her come uppance.

Well I can only agree with the dog, football has the same effect as watching a surgeon amputate my right leg without without giving me an anaesthetic sorry but there yer go

as for a kong we have 4 dogs, we buy each a kong and the youngest girl has them all, woe betide any other dog that wants his/hers back

what a wonderful tale (tail).