My missus bought a paperback (50 Shades of Grey)

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda Saturday,
I had a look inside the bag
T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed
An hour later, she appeared
Oh the sight filled me with dread

In her hand she held a rope
The other, held a whip
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well forty years or so, ago,
I might have had a peek
But Doris hasn’t weathered well
She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn’t be much grimmer
And things progressed from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer

She struggled back up to her feet,
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You’d know just why I cringed.
I’d been two months in traction, cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit and
Jumping back in fright I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She’s head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

Author unknown

Please add a verse!

The alternative slant?

I suppose we have touched on the big 'S' word here, however tongue in cheek ( so to speak ) but for those of us who have reached their twilight years you sometimes think that s*x is only what posh people have their organic spuds delivered in. ( oldie ) Don't get me wrong, I remember how it's done, much like riding a bike, just keep pushing and ( insert your own words here.................... ) But I'm all over the shop nowadays, don't know if I'm coming or going.

I mean, you can make the odd Google search error... say, you want to do a spit roast for a Barbie ( don't try this at home ) some of the results are nowt to do with pork 'n drippin'... ( scrub that ) but if this does happen I find myself being sucked in and thinking ' Chr*st that typography is appalling...

There's a few other ones to avoid Cottage Cheese ( don't go there ) and the worst is that word which describes In vocal jazz, this type of singing is vocal improvisation with wordless vocables, nonsense syllables or without words at all. Such singing gives singers the ability to sing improvised melodies and rhythms, to create the equivalent of an instrumental solo using their voice.

Please do'nt try !

I can't help it, 61 years of nudging and winking en Anglais ( my Mother tongue ) there's another! you get into a rut ( b*gger!) I swear, I would NOT be allowed a position of authority, ( that's not one ) back in Blighty as my entendre has more than doubled.

Is it just me? or do all anglo expats snort when someone says something like...? " Free Willie tonight, get the popcorn in"

Answers on a dirty postcard Ploize

@ Celeste

Hi, keep it up? If only! hahahaha

Not got my Rhyming head on today, let's have some stanzas from SFN's poets corner!

OMG Just had to phone sister in law to get the low down on the other 2 books. ( having to Google to cross refer )

Can't stop now.....

The incense burns

And candles glow

In the draught one flickers

I'm getting pretty fruity now

So I rip off her underpants

I shackle her tight by the wrist

( she never shoulda read )

I took a breath

and made a fist

To grasp our old bedstead

Ye hah, I cried

and slapped her hard

Around her ample buttocks

I might whip off me jim jams

if I weren't such a lummox

Out comes the lard

( no butter's in )

'Last Tango' I am thinkin'

We got some Marj?

I have to ask

This dripping is now stinkin'

She cannot see what I have bought

Anne Summers had a Sale

Batteries in and full speed on

She's lookin' rather pale

It's all to much I can't hold on

I'm gonna have a Magnus

A Magnesson to you my friends

"I've started so I'll finish"

another premature ending ( it's an age thing ) That's it for now....early night

OK #2 contd ( Iambic pentameter )

She'd read the book

Bereft of cover

She likes to be discrete

She'd made a knitted Kindle shield

That really is quite sweet

She roped me in

To play the games

All rubberised and plastic

Gimp mask on

and nipples out

It really was fantastic

I sez to her

Now listen chuck ( careful Birks )

Let's play some music too!

I'll dig out me old Bongos

You can play Kazoo

Now in tune, and harmony

My lover looked forlorn

Wassup love? I spurted out

Your sex drive has just gorn

"I don't mind playing tambourine

But where is your French Horn?"

Boom Boom! sorry about content, haven't read the book, I'm more of a hot plate of soup guy nowadays

Love it - even better than the book. Please come up for a version of 50 shades freed! BRILLIANT!

Just laughed out loud at these comments - thank you for brightening a wet and dismal day!

When asked to act, mu hubby said

OK love, I've heard yer

But next time you read a thriller

I might act out the murder!

My own dear lady has it too

She's married let's be fair

I wondered what the topic was

she said "my pubic hair"