New Year, New You!

We all know that this is the time of year when we're probably carrying a few surplus pounds from the Christmas excesses....

So we are delighted to bring you, entirely free of charge, the ultimate SFN New Year, New You 6 Week Diet, Detox and Fitness Plan! Follow this diet and workout regime and we GUARANTEE you will lose weight, tone up and improve your stamina levels!

The first step is to break your leg. I KNOW this sounds drastic but trust me, it is a key part of the plan. If you can't bear to break your own leg, get a friend or family member to do it for you. But do make sure you have appropriate health cover in place before starting. We wouldn't want you caught with a large bill now would we?

Once your leg has been broken and you are in plaster, you will be pretty immobile for at least the first ten days. This is the Intensive Attack stage when you will burn fat from sheer misery and pain. You will be on fairly strong painkillers (if you've got any sense) and these will make you so dozy, you simply forget to eat. Simple huh?

You will also no longer be able to drink. Even if you fancy mixing the painkillers with a few cocktails, being pissed in charge of a pair of crutches simply DOES NOT WORK. Trust me. So just think of all those calories you will be saving!

From week two onwards, any hunger cravings are easy to deal with by remembering that anything you do eat or drink, will eventually, necessitate a trip to the toilet. As this entails hobbling there on said crutches and then attempting NOT to fall into the loo whilst balanced on one leg, it is both a deterrent and a good physical workout. Clench those leg muscles!!

You might have seen other diets suggesting that you stick messages on the fridge door saying things like Do You Really Need To Open Me?, I'm Not Going To Give In! I Don't Want Another Slice Of Cake and so on. Here at SFN Towers, we have a far more effective solution. Dig the floor out to a depth of 80 cm and then control access to the kitchen via three breeze blocks. Only those who have been on crutches for several weeks will be able to manage this type of obstacle so any snack cravings are easily overcome!

Obviously diet alone is not enough. You need to improve fitness levels too and trust me, crutches will help. Operating them is a full body work out and you'll find you have arms like Madonna in no time. Make sure you also exercise buttock and stomach muscles. The easiest way to do this is to attempt to go up and down the stairs, at least twice a day, on your backside with one leg stuck out in front of you. Excellent for those abs!

We hope you enjoy the plan, do let us know how you get on and Happy Hopping!!

I tried a version of this "diet/exercise programme" in about 1993. I didn't opt for the leg break method - I went for the ankle sprain version! I spent three and a half months on crutches - and I did lose weight!! Typically I actually sprained my ankle when I went running in a bid to get fitter! In the end my arms and shoulders got a lot fitter while my left leg .... didn't!!

Hope that you will be back on two legs again soon - and happy with the results of your enforced "regime" (though you don't look as if you need a diet at all!!)

Super funny! (or maybe not for you) But you put a bit of humor in a not so fun situation... You don't really need to lose lots of full fat cheese ! Loved the story though. I have heard of those like Kean, who looked at these experiences (horrible food intoxication) on the one bright side. Same with the gastro that is going around. "Got rid of those 5 pounds from Christmas" . Take care over there.

Thank you Kate!!

Didn't do a Kean one, mind you I am not a large person to begin with. But whilst living in the mountains in Peru in 1980s we only had papas, mais y chicha (potatoes, maize and an alcohol made from maize) for several weeks during a drought period. Water was collected from the bottom of the valley and brought back up by donkey which caused altitude sickness (even locals but yours truly dreaded taking his turn because I got much iller than them). I lost 8 kilos in about six weeks, gave up and went to to to the provincial capital to recover by gorging myself of anything but the above and drinking loads of beer for two weeks. So my recommended diet would be potatoes and maize without the alcohol version three times a day for six weeks... Not me, been there once and do not want to try it again.

Hi Catherine

Great that you're losing weight, however i wanted to pass on a note of caution from my own leg breaking experience. Remember when that cast is taken off (if it's not done at home, that is) to have something to wear to cover up your leg - leggings, tights etc because when my cast was taken off I only had a skirt on and it was very embarrasing hobbling back through outpatients with one tanned shaved leg and one white, pasty, hairy one!


My record was to lose 17lbs (7kilos?) in 9 days - the secret was Campylobacter bacteria from unhygenically prepared (in a Cotswolds hotel kitchen) goats cheese.

Unfortunately I got better - and put it all back on again.

Catharine I wish you a speedy recovery and sustained slimness!

Bravo! I'll start immediately.

Goodness, didn't realise you'd broken a leg! Drastic way to diet/get fit but hey... and after you with the crutches please as I could do with some Madonna arms!

[Seriously... hope your leg is well on the mend and memories of Crutchety Catharine will soon be dim and distant.]

It's good to laugh in the face of pain, hunger,inconvenience, etc do hope you are back on 2 legs soon.

Break a leg, as they say in theatrical circles!

LOL Tried that 2 years ago .... lost 4 kg in 6 weeks.

The secret is out now, thanks to Catherine