We all know that this is the time of year when we're probably carrying a few surplus pounds from the Christmas excesses....
So we are delighted to bring you, entirely free of charge, the ultimate SFN New Year, New You 6 Week Diet, Detox and Fitness Plan! Follow this diet and workout regime and we GUARANTEE you will lose weight, tone up and improve your stamina levels!
The first step is to break your leg. I KNOW this sounds drastic but trust me, it is a key part of the plan. If you can't bear to break your own leg, get a friend or family member to do it for you. But do make sure you have appropriate health cover in place before starting. We wouldn't want you caught with a large bill now would we?
Once your leg has been broken and you are in plaster, you will be pretty immobile for at least the first ten days. This is the Intensive Attack stage when you will burn fat from sheer misery and pain. You will be on fairly strong painkillers (if you've got any sense) and these will make you so dozy, you simply forget to eat. Simple huh?
You will also no longer be able to drink. Even if you fancy mixing the painkillers with a few cocktails, being pissed in charge of a pair of crutches simply DOES NOT WORK. Trust me. So just think of all those calories you will be saving!
From week two onwards, any hunger cravings are easy to deal with by remembering that anything you do eat or drink, will eventually, necessitate a trip to the toilet. As this entails hobbling there on said crutches and then attempting NOT to fall into the loo whilst balanced on one leg, it is both a deterrent and a good physical workout. Clench those leg muscles!!
You might have seen other diets suggesting that you stick messages on the fridge door saying things like Do You Really Need To Open Me?, I'm Not Going To Give In! I Don't Want Another Slice Of Cake and so on. Here at SFN Towers, we have a far more effective solution. Dig the floor out to a depth of 80 cm and then control access to the kitchen via three breeze blocks. Only those who have been on crutches for several weeks will be able to manage this type of obstacle so any snack cravings are easily overcome!
Obviously diet alone is not enough. You need to improve fitness levels too and trust me, crutches will help. Operating them is a full body work out and you'll find you have arms like Madonna in no time. Make sure you also exercise buttock and stomach muscles. The easiest way to do this is to attempt to go up and down the stairs, at least twice a day, on your backside with one leg stuck out in front of you. Excellent for those abs!
We hope you enjoy the plan, do let us know how you get on and Happy Hopping!!