I am always complaining about my host country, so I thought today I would redress the balance and list Ten Things I Love about France.
Please feel free to add some of your own...
The wine - It is cheap enough to bath in. Which you may need to do due to the astronomical cost of water.
Petrol stations that sell alcohol - This is most useful on a Sunday afternoon when everywhere else is shut and you are gagging for a pint of white wine.
The school bus service that collects your offspring from the garden gate - ideal for those mornings after the night before, when you are unfit to operate a moving vehicle.
The political incorrectness that your offspring will experience when they attend school. Only in France would teachers refer to ethnic minorities as being ‘slitty eyed’ and admit to ‘being desperate for a fag.’
Slapping of kids by teachers - Your children will appreciate you so much more when they realise that other adults are liable to slap them too. Plus, you can slap your own kids and other people’s without risking a visit from Social Services.
Marriage at 15 - If despite your best efforts to slap them into submission, your teens remain unruly, you can marry them off early.
Lunch time menus - cheap, plentiful and delicious. Admittedly they tend to feature offal and animals that we think of as pets, but hey, just because something is fluffy and cute doesn’t mean you can’t eat it.
Eating pets - It is perfectly acceptable to buy your kids fluffy ducklings for Easter, cute baby bunnies, gamboling lambs and little chirping chicks. And then eat them. We refer to this as ‘Pet Rotation’. No one gets bored with any particular pet and once they have been eaten, the pets can be replaced with new, cute, baby versions. The guinea pigs are very nervous....
No need to worry about wearing expensive clothes - The dress code is a flowery pinny and gum boots for women and a beret, blue trousers (held up with baler twine) and gum boots for men.
Your GP can prescribe spa treatments - You will need these to cure the rampant athletes foot caused by constantly wearing gum boots. A detox spa cure is also recommended for those of us who have become alcoholics due to the price of wine and the overriding need to drown our sorrows.