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1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay 2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper 3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper 4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay 5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop 6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson 7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again - Unknown Origin 8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin 9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson 10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice - Tim Vine 11. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die - Bill Murray Crisps: Russell Brand's dry observation on the human body saw him make it onto the list 12. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more - Unknown Origin 13. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative - Ricky Gervais 14. Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect - Benny Hill 15. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant - Tommy Cooper 16. I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy - Tommy Cooper 17. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run - Milton Jones 18. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. - Will Ferrell 19. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato - Will Ferrell 20. Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so - Unknown Origin 21. I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20’s and I’ve only been in three fights. Not a bad average - John Bishop 22. I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail - Unknown Origin 23. My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business - Will Ferrell 24. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine - Bill Bailey Superstar: Hollywood's Steve Martin found himself in the top 10 25. Bob Geldof...no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years - Russell Brand 26. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill - Unknown Origin 27. Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or lil - Unknown Origin 28. I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them - Emo Phillips 29. I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?' - Peter Kay 30. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought ‘I’ve got the better deal here’...1 Your sister - Michael McIntyre 31. I’m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically - Bill Bailey 32. So I said to a Scotsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’ - Unknown Origin 33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any - Tommy Cooper 34. Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly - Tim Vine 35. My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards - Sarah Millican 36. I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them - Emo Phillips 37. I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich - Unknown Origin 38. I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich' - Tommy Cooper 39. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic - Unknown Origin 40. I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid - Jack Whitehall 41. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown Origin King of the Road-show: Many of the comics have appeared on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow 42. How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener - Kevin Hart 43. If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps? - Russell Brand 44. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks - Stewart Francis 45. A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number one, have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went...and finally, question number 10' - Lee Mack 46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin 47. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked - Unknown Origin 48. Dyslexic man walks into a bra - Unknown Origin 49. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever - Milton Jones 50. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister - Will Marsh |