A little mid-week humour to lighten the mood

[Ancient_Mariner]

Hope this isn’t too near the knuckle.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for about 5 long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

[Porridge]

@Ancient_Mariner

too near the knuckle

Very good

[Ancient_Mariner]

Modesty prevents me from claiming it was consciously intentional.

[Ancient_Mariner]

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest replied, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

The priest paused, and then asked, “So then, why are you telling me?”

“Hey, I’m telling everybody.”

[David_Spardo]

Nothing special about 80, 81 now, yes that would be special.

[Corona]

[Rachman]

@David_Spardo

Nothing special about 80, 81 now, yes that would be special

Why don’t you try it then?

[David_Spardo]

I think the outcry would eclipse the satisfaction.

[DrMarkH]

[DrMarkH]

"On the plus side, you probably won’t need an umbrella today.``

[Ancient_Mariner]

[billybutcher]

[Ancient_Mariner]

A man is in ICU and a Nurse comes in, checks his charts, his IV’s and the like and the man, with an oxygen mask on says what sounds like to the Nurse…

Are my testicles black?

The Nurse says, “Uh…Sir…I’m not here for that, I’m just your Nurse, here to check your vitals and meds”

The man, a little more agitated repeats his inquiry…Are my testicles black??

The Nurse, getting a bit irritated, says back, Sir! I’m just your Nurse! You’ll need to talk to your Doctor about that!

The man…Now clearly irritated…His eyes glaring, body language stiffening says through the mask, “ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK??”

The Nurse…Worried now about repercussions…Says…with restrained irritation…“Alright Sir…Calm down…I’ll check”

She lifts his gown up…Carefully lifts his testicles up, examines them closely and thoroughly with both her hands…Then lays his gown back down and says, “No Sir…Your testicles are not black”.

The man…Staring at the ceiling now…Looks at the Nurse…Pulls down the oxygen mask…Draws a deep breath and says…

"Nurse…ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

[Ancient_Mariner]

Remember 89 year old Henry?

Henry and Sam, two friends in their late 80s, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Henry didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something… But after Henry hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Henry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Henry, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! – there sat Henry!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘But, for crying out loud, Henry, what in the world happened to you?’

Henry replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Henry said, ‘you know Susie, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich, and she filed rape charges against me; and, at my age, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

[Ancient_Mariner]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened, Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? What happened, she asks? I’ll tell ya what happened! I sent an email to me wife tellin’er I was comin’ home t’day from me fishing trip. When I get home…guess what I find? Yer daughter, me wife, Jeannie, naked, with that b*****d Joe Murphy, in our marital bed! 'Tis unforgivable, it is! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving, forever!”

“Ah, now, calm down, calm down, lad!” says his mother-in-law. “There’s something very odd going on here. Jeannie’d never do such a terrible and stupid thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go find out what really happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy, there, I told ya it must be a simple explanation… Jeannie nivver got yer email!”

[Ancient_Mariner]

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and ​throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

​
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

​♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

[Ancient_Mariner]

Remember 89 year old Henry? Well he had a sister.

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

[LollyS]

[LollyS]

[Susannah]