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Lol they would go down a storm on the boarding school thread.
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Just no.
and a groan worthy one…
Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside.
I was so scared I nearly said profanities!
I looked again, saw the eyes looking out at me then disappear again, so grabbed the bag and ran back into the shop. I asked the guy behind the counter “what the heck was going on?!”
he said "you asked for the Peking duck…”
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While everyone is pondering the future and how we might have to change things, perhaps we should be reviewing the various alternative political and economic systems available to us:
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows but owe Santander for 6.
Nobody drinks milk.
You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro
A GREEK CORPORATION
You lease 2 cows and pay somebody 3 times the going rate to milk them using borrowed money.
You refinance the 4 cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs. They sell the future milk production of the 60 cows and fund your lifestyle.
You retire to anywhere that doesn’t use the Euro.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the cr_ap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION
You don’t have any cows.
But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
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The best one yet! I’m still crying with laughter.
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Been doing the rounds for years, gradually getting longer it seems.
The Australian model seems the best.
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This has been around for ever, as you say. Last night I went back reading through my blog and came across this, posted in 2014 IIRC. Still funny though, and true enough in many ways.
Yeah should have been “go have beers on the beach to celebrate”
The venture capitalists one was my best.
I will write one for private equity.
PRIVATE EQUITY
You buy a farmer’s cow.
It’s his only cow. He is starving and must sell it.
Next year you sell him milk from the cow he owned previously.
After paying you for 18 months for milk, the farmer has paid you 3 times what he got from you for his cow.
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You could add
Private Finance Initiative
A farmer needs a cow but can’t afford one.
You agree to loan him the money with payback over 20 years
The annual rental is equal to the value of the cow
In addition the farmer must pay 20% of the value of the cow each year for “maintenance”.
The farmer must sell all of the cow’s milk just to pay for the loan
He sold his children to pay the “maintenance”
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That one went woosh over my head till I looked up the meaning of Proctologist and bang it hit me Brilliant !!!
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Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?” Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what’s different?
It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert … You should’a bought a hat!”
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