Reminds me of a certain aide de toilette I know, though since I took the Cleese stance and refused to argue any more, things have been a bit more civilised. 
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I urgently need to re-home a dog. Itās a small terrier, tends to bark a lot at the slightest thing.
If youāre interested, let me know and Iāll nip over next doorās fence and get it for you.
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Itās dead funny
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I laughed so much Iām coffin and Iāll be hearse later.
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Youāre right of course, but no-one will thank you. 
Its still dead funny
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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letterā¦
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workinā on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya donāt hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothinā!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz thereās lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but thereās no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You donāt get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because weāve been on a āroute marchā - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootinā - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possumās bum and it donāt move and itās not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You donāt even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya donāt have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - itās not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out Iām not a bad boxer either and it looks like Iām the best the platoonās got, and Iāve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - heās 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know Iām only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringinā wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I canāt complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
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That is brilliant, I was only 2 paras in before I found myself reading it aloud in an Aussie accent. So glad I didnāt read the bottom before the top though.
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It was Postman Patās last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns in the UK.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for Ā£50.
At the second house, they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a stunning blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a Ā£5 note sticking out from under the cupās bottom edge.
āAll this was just wonderful and Iām truly grateful,ā he said, ābut whatās the five quid for?ā
āWell,ā said the stunning blonde, ālast night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.ā
āI asked him what to give you. 'He said, āF*ck him. Give him a fiverā.ā
She smiled shyly and said, āThe breakfast was my idea!ā
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Iām writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
Itās just in draft right now.
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