Love that idea! Only have 1 bedroom so that visitors can't stay!! I love to have visitors - but I won't let them treat my/our house like a Hotel!! I just don't wait on people hand, foot and finger - if they want tea then they can make it, and I expect them to help lay the table for a meal, or clear the table afterwards - or whatever!! If they want a holiday with 5 star service then they can have one. But it will be at their own expense, not mine!!
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest to guests (who have invited themselves) at the beginning of their stay that you have a "kitty" for expenses - so that they contribute to the extra costs!! It will still work out a lot cheaper for them than paying for a holiday!!
Hope that the whole family Christmas nightmare will be successfully resolved!! :-)
I love how you label them! Gave me a chuckle this morning. And James that is a good idea!I I too, am still stateside, my husband has not formally transferred and I already have people making their Christmas plans for this year..."at my house in Bordeaux" Who's to say I will be in Bordeaux over Christmas? I may chose to come back to the states, I have teenagers in college. They have also said we won't only be there for Christmas but "several" times a year. "I need to make my flight now, rates are cheaper", WTH? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind visitors but A, only for a few days and B, ask me what my plans are first. Here's is how I say no.....NO! I have not officially chosen a house yet, but now I am thinking the smaller the better! 1 bedroom efficiency perhaps!
Hi Liz,
You are not rude, you're simply reclaiming your life. Their behavior is called manipulation (by guilt in this instance) - they want the rug to stay on the floor. They're used to making the rules. Remember, every unwilling "yes" to them, is a "no" to your own needs. I'm not necessarily saying that they're bad people, but after 10 years of freebies, who would want the status quo changed. Beware, some will do Whatever It Takes to keep it.
Idea - write an e-mail/letter to Person and apologize that he/she was given the wrong impression. Emphasizing that it is not the bother, but simply a restructuring of your priorities due to----, that you will no longer be hosting the family for Christmas. You had merely suggested to the others that they begin a new tradition. To the others, I would chide them for upsetting Person by saying that he/she was a burden. I would also clearly state that future visits must be at your convenience; with the change in the economy (or...), the costs for food (or whatever) will need to be shared. If they want to come more frequently, you'd be happy to help them find a suitable hotel. Good luck.
PS - I love the other suggestions to put them to work.
So pleased its not just me who's happy with their guests Sheila!
Well, Liz, I think you have stirred up the hornet's nest with this discussion! As we are still relative "newbies" to living in France, I am following all posts with interest, and am picking up several pointers, should the need arise. However, our limited experience of visitors has, so far, been good. Best experience was friend who came for a week. He cooked, cleaned, took us out for a meal. On two of the days, he packed himself a lunch (baguette + cheese, ham, etc.) which he paid for, and went off hill walking for the day. Oh, and he asked how to use the washing machine. When we got back from dropping him to the airport, we found he had put his bedclothes on to wash! A 5-star guest, welcome back any time.
Ah that is Familys.......................................... :)
And well deserved Gordon!
This topic has obviously been a form of therapy for so many of us allowing us to let off steam about selfish thoughtless visitors! My mother in law loves wine & enjoys being fed & watered by my choice of good local Bergerac wine & my wife`s wonderful cooking. We take her on wine tasting trips to local vineyards but she refuses to buy any wine as she can`t take it back on the plane - when I suggest we could share it during her visit it produces no response whatsoever!
Yet when we drive back to UK we are expected to provide her with wine!
There I`ve had my rant now!
Feel for you Emily and yes, regarding my mum, the kids see photos and ask who she is! I'm just a bit disappointed for my kids, it's not as though my mum doesn't travel, she's got a flat in Fès, went to budapest to have her teeth done etc...! She feels I've turned my back on her but my life's here with my kids and I try to go back once every two or three years.
PS I'm really lucky because my MIL is a star and when she comes over she'll do the ironing etc but we ask her too and feel a bit guilty about it but she doesn't mind and the kids love seeing her.
Yep, 'working' holiday is a good one - have used it many times as I am slowly refurbishing. Works a treat particularly when I add that wood needs to be chopped almost daily and 'are they any good with a chainsaw or do they prefer an axe/saw?'
Plus I have a very busy life so I make it clear that I live in a village where no one speaks English so my guests have to get along without my help and speak French.....funny the number of cancellations I get when I throw that one in LOL.
And there is always the transport excuse; partner needs car so guests have to hire car (expensive) or use public transport (virtually non-existant).
Hopefully it will all blow over by next Xmas but do know how you feel!
I can't believe how lucky I am having read all this. I have been in Les Landes for two and a half years and can honestly say no-one has taken advantage in the way almost everyone writing seems to suffer or had to learn to deflect politely or bluntly. Initially I did not have visitors for the first 6 months while friends presumably assured themselves that the invitation to visit was sincere rather than out of a sense of duty.
Since then friends and family have visited - each of them re-visiting to our mutual pleasure and their visible appreciation and respect.
I have been taken out for lots of meals (and declined countless more), been made part of their holiday when I so chose or left to do my own thing if I preferred, one wonderful couple and her son brought curtains that I had ordered in the UK for delivery at their address. I still recall with embarrassment seeing how much of their car was filled with my consignment when they finally made it from the ferry and add to that my protests when they spent their final evening of their first visit with him and her son measuring, drilling and fitting the curtains to all four rooms involved and her doing mysterious things to thread and even out the "frilly bits" at the top so that they looked prettier than I (as a somewhat unhandy bloke) could ever have achieved. Perhaps I should grumble that I was tending the BBQ while this went on but they kept asking if I was managing OK!
Except for my daughters who frankly I expect and am happy to "sponsor" on their visits I have never been out of pocket and have always had offers of help around the house, shopping paid for (sure I am expected to ask and pay - but with their Euros!!) I also have no qualms when in the UK myself in asking if I can stay over at their homes and without exception have been made to feel welcome in return.
I suppose reading this over I am counsel for the defence of all the good friends who have been and will come again to see me in France - surely we've all got some good stories to tell and the Freeloaders are a small minority in spite of the stories on this site..............................AREN'T THEY?????
Must say that since we have been here (6 years) many of our friends are no longer in contact bar the annual christmas card. Seems that having to pay even a tiny contribution for laundering of sheets/electric in lieu of off-season gite rental rates is too much (invitation to group of friends never replied to!) We do get plenty of OH's work collegues who would love to come but are no longer interested when we send them the tarifs !
We do however love having our families here because we get to go out to places that we would never go ordinarily, the cousins meet up, and we get to have our own 'holiday' - very convenient.
Hi Emily
Try this site: http://www.helpx.net/
The stories get more horrendous by the minute! That reminds me of my brother who was given free use of a flat right in the middle of Paris (that I was paying for during my daughter's overseas exchange year) and never paid for anything or brought anything. He couldn't bring wine because we were wine buffs and he'd be sure to bring the wrong thing! The worst was one day when he bought something for himself and 12-year-old son to eat on an excursion to Giverny (where my husband had paid for everyone) and didn't offer anything to the rest of us, including my two small stepsons. When we finally talked about it, he said he intended to send us wine from Australia when he eventually got back. He then made a meal for us in our kitchen and completely ruined my non-stick wok. We did get the wine a few months later - two bottles - for which postage cost more than the wine (you can buy Aussie wine in Paris) and he's complained about it ever since. Fortunately, I don't think he'll ever have the money to come again and our current appartment only has one bedroom and a non-sleeping couch.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Liz,
I think most of us have had a similar problem to you in the past, I never realised just how many "friends and family" I had in the U.K. until we moved here five odd years ago.
At first I would always say --yes come on over ---- which meant at least a three hour return drive to Limoges, at no cost to them, stopping on the way back for refreshments, at no cost to them. A week, --ten days --- fortnight --- of them being waited for hand and foot, such as ----------- laying by the pool >>>>>>>>> "Gosh I'm hot and soooo thirsty" ------------ " Ohhhhhh ok, would you like a beer from the fridge just over there-------------- "ohh thankyou, yes please " ----------- short pause ----------------- " ohhh OK i'l get it for you. --------- OR -------------- " I'Ive read so much about La Rochelle / Bordeaux, and would love to see it one day -------------- result --------------- I am stuck in MY car, doing at least five or six hour drive -- at no cost to them, and so it goes on ---
AND THEN
To top it all I am asked to drive them to our local town in order for them to buy my wife a a five Euro house plant as by means of a thankyou ---- and the to top a wonderful holiday off I have another three hour plus bloody round trip drive to Limoges --at no cost to them so's they can catch their flight home.
LESSON LEARNED.
These days, unless its my immediate sons and the phone rings and its one of our "friends" phoning up----just to say hello ( yeah right), I now tell them, if they want a "freebie holiday" they can hire a car if they wish to travel around as I am NOT a free taxi service ------- according to how long they want stay I tell them that they can treat my wife and I to meal out, that we know you know how to use an iron and a washing machine so don't expect my wife to be maid just for you. If you leave things in the house when you are lounging by the pool --- please don't expect either of us to run off and get things for you , you have a pair of legs --use the bloody things.
RESULT.
We are now known as tight fisted rude bastards who should be ignored, WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
yes, that is bad...but so is this: i live in a gorgeous house we built, 330 sq m, 1300 sq m of tremendous garden w potager, pond, 100 rose shrubs...freshly laid eggs... 2-3 spare en suite rooms, all 22 min by direct train from paris in the yvelines; we used to do b&b until i became too ill....and in 12 yrs only ONE of my friends (from sf, ca) has been to visit!
i am a really nice person, got great reviews on the b&b, so don't understand. they don't have money, or are busy, or are going somewhere else. i feel v sad. out of sight, out of mind...these are not family members but 'friends'. so i don't know, both extremes are bad.#
mind you, my friends take advantage in other ways!
Usually I enjoy having folks visit, we don’t run a gite, and it’s nice to see family but a little consideation should not be beyond the wit of man…or so we thought. However because of their response, certain ersewhile guests are now blacklisted…
Appreciate some of the suggestions but it’s a bit cold at the moment for some, but maybe just maybe come the summer
The one I like best is "You pay for the meal/drinks/whatever because you speak tyhe language!" When I suggest they wave a 50€ note they get all huffy.
This is perfect. Is there a link to this somewhere? I'd like to tweet it and quote it on my blog. I've just sent it to my son in Australia for when he visits people (plenty of offers, but not from my brother ...).