Thank you Amanda. You are right in that I'm looking and hoping for practical solutions.
The idea of an emergency fund sounds good but not sure if it can be organised.
Having moved department once since living in France I know how complicated it can be and would only add to my problems. I agree that France is a bureaucratic nightmare!
Meanwhile I'm trying to cope with my husband the best I can without making things worse. But from experience I know that things can change very quickly when living with someone bipolar.
Don't know about the feasibility of an 'emergency fund' Amanda but practical assistance must be a possibility ? For example, I have a large property split into two flats which i'm trying hard to sell. This could easily serve as some kind of emergency accommodation for someone deserving of such help in the short term at least. There must be ways we can help each other ?
So sad to hear about your circumstances that you now face. From talking and reading posts, seems to me that there are many 'invisible' english people suffering at the moment. Seems a shame that all we can do is offer written advice when what people need under these conditions are practical and often physical help - guess this is a problem due to the size of the country and the fact that most of us are so far geographically from each other. I know feel and empathise with you regarding your problems and know in my heart that what you really need is practical solutions more than empathy. I wish I could offer you a house to move into, with a lovely garden to relax in whilst you wipe away your tears. I shall be doing the lottery tonight with you in mind.... g-d willing I win, I shall certainly be sending the money to you.
It occurs to me, and maybe if this is disallowed on SFN then please forgive me for suggesting it, and forgive me too if you find this offensive Roselynde, but could we not set up a fund whereby SFN'ers donate whatever they can to this fund which could then be used as an emergency fund to help other ex pats during times of distress. Would this not then be a practical solution rather than tea and sympathy over the web? There are so many financial experts among us that I am sure we could find someone who could reliably oversee this fund to make sure that all is in order and complies with french law etc.... If for example such a fund existed, then we could help the Roselynde's and Shirley's among us....
Also, as a suggestion, perhaps it is better for you to stay in your department. I say this due to the fact that the french admin system is so complicated, slow moving and inefficient that if you change department you will potentially be faced with masses more paperwork in french than you now face. The computers do not 'speak' to each other if they are in separate offices let alone different departments across the country. France is a bueaurocratic nightmare! You are set up in your department, with help from your local Mairie who now know you, with your doctor etc.. etc.. and by changing your department you will be inviting lots more paperwork as an added burden onto your already tired shoulders.
Yes I agree that you need to find a way to discuss with your husband - seemingly impossible when living with a jekell and hyde character - but if you can organise and change in a calm way it will be easier and better for you both.
Wishing you well, my heart goes out to you, sorry I cannot be any more help.
(is a fund a possibility DVN'ers?)
Shirley,
I can confirm that Turn2us does deal with people living in France. In fact you get the best of both worlds because of the UK and France base.
Perhaps if you made me a "friend" I could send you the contact here in France.
Oh I thought you had already separated, but it sounds as if your husband also has some major problems too. I strongly suggest you try to get some professional advice here as well. Having been through the divorce mill myself although many moons ago, I think it is essential to realise it takes two to create a good and a bad marriage. Possibly he is coming to terms with his side of the story and that's not easy, and maybe you have yet to do this? Very presumptuous of me and I am not a professional in any way, but one thing I DO know, and know it to be totally counter-productive is the 'blame-game'.
Would it be possible to suggest meeting together at the Mairie for a start? It sounds as if he is as desperate as you are, but often men keep this bottled up too much.
It is very sad, but try and not draw up battle lines, but find those areas where you can agree - even if it's the ones you disagree about. That at least could identify main problem areas. I remember the worst part was flailing about in total confusion and fear of the future, the unknown, and money and health form major parts of that. Try to organise your thinking - both of you, and try to calm down, it sounds as if you are both hghly emotional at the moment, and this will take you nowhere.
Over night the situation has become worse. I'm desperate to move out but there's no quick and easy escape. He kept me awake most of the night and in the end I had to go into another bed. He's been crying a lot and saying stupid things. So now today I feel even worse and have even more pain. Somebody beam me out of here!
Thanks Norman. I have been to see my marie this morning. I had a lovely chat with them and they are now more aware of the situation. The maire has given me his number and said that if I need to call the gendarmes I should call him first and he will call them. He said that I need to try and keep things calm until I see the Assistante Sociale. He also has my name, address and mobile phone number.
I have an appointment to see my doctor on Friday who is only too aware of my problems and those of my husband.
Thanks Shirley. I'll message you with my contact details. I used to live in the Sarthe Department as that's where my husband comes from. It does seem that SFN members are very helpful and supportive. It's helping me a lot.
I've never worked in France as I've always been too ill. I know I will get legal aid as I've been partly down this road before. I must really do it this time! The Solidarité Femmes will help me with this. Thanks
Ok will look at that. Thanks
We already live in a house owned by Atlantique Habitation and we get apl. I know that I will get something to help with my rent as I've been partly down this road before. I most definitely want to move into a town where there are more facilties and transport. At least for now I have what's called Lila a la demande and I can go out on my own. I also want to find some where that is reasonably quiet and on a level ( I can't climb stairs). The one thing I don't want is to be part of a big block of flats!
Before I became ill I was working in local government but don't know of any charity that could help me. But I will look at the web site you mention. Thanks
Thank you Peter. I too have been going to see a physio and I have other things to help with pain. I went into a pain clinic at Nantes for a week in March which helped a lot. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 2003 in the UK but I feel that I now have Fibromyalgia developing as well. It's very hard living with someone Bipolar as they can change very rapidly. I have been in som dreadful situations. I've had help to try and live with him but it's just too hard with my illness as well. Like your lady friend I have to find a way out and keep my whereabouts secret. I've called out the gendarmes a few times and even spent one night in a hotel for safety. But now enough is enough!
I'd like to reinforce Janet's suggestion that you contact Turn2us. They have a case worker in France who is very knowledgeable about both the UK and French systems.
What a lovely reply so kind and thoughtful!turning the page can be difficult but you are so right, this site is a god send in these moments of distress! As you say just knowing some one is on the other end is sometimes all we need.
i certainly agree, the Marie is a good first port of call they will steer you inthe right direction for all the rest, I suspect an assistante sociale would be good too plus the releve de carriere, and a visit to or from the pension sgency, they have one tel number I think it is 3960 OR 3940???? you can check it on line, they have been really helpful for me.I'm sure if you ring the Marie someone would pop in to see you as getting there can be difficult.
Keep us in the know Rosalynde, we may come up with more bits of info as you move on. Stay in touch with us all, we are all there backing you up!X
It's quite uncanny Rosalynde because the profil of my lady friend is similar to yours. Marie lives near Cahors where the local 'Caisse' recognises her Fibromyalgia and duly funds treatment etc. She currently has physio twice weekly after work which helps to relieve the pain and keeps her 'flexible'. She has other health issues also which are also recognised. She too was forced to leave the family home because of a bi-polar partner, a situation which became difficult and dangerous leading to her having to go into hiding to escape the dangers of this unstable man. She made the local police aware of his situation which helped to allay her fears though not take away the ongoing threat. A gendarme actually visited her partner to inform him they were aware of the situation. She works in the area (in Social Services) and knows he will one day find her address but hoping also that he will not pursue the matter knowing I am not too far away.
The Assistante Sociale can really help you along with other bodies. The main thing is that you are not alone with your problems. Glad you made contact with Shirley, she's a lovely lady who has been there and got the tee shirt etc.
Definitely the first thing is to get in touch with your local Mairie, explain the situation and get them on-side. Their role is to help their residents, and I have always found them 'above and beyond the call' when you need help.
Re. the marriage bit as explained, well turn the page on that as it will only be an emotional drain on you if you don't. I would also suggest talking about the personal side of your life with your Doctor, they too are funds of knowledge on help available.
Plus, and of course, as you may have noticed, don't get lonely! Most of us can feel that on occasions, but here there is this site, where people are happy to listen, and help where they can - even if it is only metaphorically holding your hand, and that's not to be under-rated either.
Take care.
Start by getting a "relevé de carrière" which will show what your pension rights in France are.
The site to enrol on seems to be https://www.lassuranceretraite.fr/cs/Satellite/PUBPrincipale/SalariesPlus55/Comprendre-Retraite55/Releve-Carriere55/Comment-Obtenir-Releve-Carriere55?packedargs=null, but I can't get anywhere with this at present as the site doesn't seem to be allowing me to create an account.
I didn't even know about this "relevé de carrière" until a couple of weeks ago. It seems it's a document that lists what you've paid into the French system. Apparently you can then use this, coupled with a similar document from the UK pensions authority, to show to the French social security, etc.
I hope this snippet of information helps.
It also sounds as though you would probably be entitled to legal aid, so call your mairie or the "barreau d'avocats" for your area and ask for a divorce lawyer who works with legal aid. Search online "assistance juridique gratuite" + the name of your nearest large town.
You will be priority for low cost, subsidised housing through the HLM - it's council housing and there are generally one or two HLM houses on each lotissement in each village. You will also be able to claim an APL (rent subsidy) which further lowers the rent that you actually pay.
Obviously there are flats and houses available in towns too. With your medical conditions a small town would probably be better than being isolated in a village with restricted transport and services.
The HLM have different names depending on which Departement you live in - but every Mairie and every social worker will have contacts with them.
Did you work in the UK before you were ill? If so what sort of job? Could a charity linked to that sort of job help you? Have a look on Turn2us website as they have a charity finder and will give you help over the phone too if you want. A few quid from a charity to pay towards the rent(/legal fees?) may help no end! Good luck with social services.