There is not much you can do about the behaviour of the other girl. She is learning from her parents I guess how to be assertive and how to build her own social circle. It's also kind of normal for 9 year old girls to be always falling in and out of friendship groups, so this is the time when the confident girls try out ideas on how to "win friends and influence people", and to be fair, they see plenty grown ups using tactics to get what they want, and begin to try them out in their own little world. What you can do is work with your daughter to build her own self confidence, and to help her see that in life there are always going to be people who try to influence others, in a good way or a bad way, and that everyone has skills to deal with this pressure. It isn't easy at 9 but it is possible to gradually develop the strength to be unaffected by such manipulation, and once the assertive girl realises her tactics are having no impact she will have no reason to continue, and maybe other girls who are also a bit scared of her will see your daughter as someone to be friends with. It is something that haunts girls and their peer groups from now until 18 or beyond, so this is a good opportunity to help your daughter to learn the skills to deal with this now, so she is more confident at holding her own in the peer group in future.
If you write to the school, copy in the Inspection Académique and sent all correspondence recommandé with an accusé de réception.
P.S Don't pussy foot around this teacher, she is not doing her job by allowing this to happen and hoping it will go away. Your daughter has a RIGHT to be safe and protected at school. No learning takes place when a child is fearful or anxious.
The point is whether if you use the correct format, will they follow through? If you document and call a meeting, make sure you have a follow up meeting requested one week later to discuss what has changed/what is being implemented and generally how things are now going. They have to follow procedure (the bullying policy, that I am sure in France is law? as most countries around the world. Just because they are a small school they still have to have this). So in effect this child's bullying (verbal) has to have a consequence (ie withdrawel of play time/detention/whatever the policy says). As the level increases it moves to meeting with head (or equivalent), to then meeting with parents, daily report, suspension etc. So by documenting they are forced to follow through or you can go over their head to provincial level.
I just googled bullying policy in France and this came up:
http://www.kidsinfrance.com/2012/02/france-admits-bullying.html
Maybe you need to write the bullying policy for your school!!!!!
Thank you all for your advice. Although I don't like to say this because there are obviously bullied children who are suffering all over the place but it comforting to know that I am not alone in my experience. The sad thing is that I reported this to the teacher twice now and the last time I wrote a letter to her saying that I trusted her to deal with it in the manner she saw fitting instead of asking her for a meeting and an update. I do not believe that she has told the child's parents so, I think it is time for another face to face with a commitment from her on how she will deal with it, A time scale for her to speak with the parents and a further meeting to confirm what has been agreed with all parties and get it all documented. If it is not resolved on a formal basis I take it higher. Sadly, our school is so small there is no head teacher, just the one for the whole school and all age groups and maybe I should consider moving her to a bigger school.
We had the same problem in England. We moved our village raised kids to Brighton. My daughter at 11 was 5ft 7 and wearing a bra and was picked on by older girls. Got to the point of her being attacked in the street by these children on a Saturday, where they pushed her over and banged her head on a shop window. When she finally told me...the following evening...Sunday, scared about going to school on Monday, I went to the school. The headmistress gave me all the rubbish about bullying not being accepted in their school...and it didnt happen....which was rubbish...so I said I would sort it out. I invited the parents to our house with their children. I told them what was happening, and despite the girls denying it, I made it clear, step out of line once more and I would contact the police and press charges for assault. I was at the school gates morning and night for a couple of months...eyeballing these older 13 year olds. The problem stopped immediately....but my daughter who is now 33 and head of English in a school, still has strong memories of this.
I can sympathise as this happened with my son, only the bullying was more physical. We saw the teacher (who is often the head in small schools where there are only two teachers) but in the end we sent a letter to the parents recommandé, copying in the head teacher and the Inspection Academique. After this, the mother was called in and admitted to being unable to control her child. She apologised to us and made the child do the same and the child was sent to a psychologist. Things improved after that.
"Deserves this treatment"? As in deserves to be bullied? How does that work, then?!
Poor you, poor her! Follow your instincts. Take it up the line. There's no reason any child should have to put up with being victimised like that. The fact that the teacher has basically told her to bottle it up is a shocker. What planet is she on? (Obviously not the same one as the ministere de l'education).
I'm sorry because your daughter may feel bad about you intervening, but that will pass - far sooner than the bullying if it's left. You have nothing to lose. Good luck!
Jane Griffiths ... I think that's a bit severe... I very much like Lucia's approach. Cake is the answer. Life in general is quite bad on self esteem and self respect Cannot pin all on bullies esp at 9 years old But definitely speak to the head or a friendly teacher
There's always one isn't there. My son was badly bullied in school. He was the only British person in the school ( college ) in the Paris suburb's, and some of the local idiots made his life hell. We did not see the problem until he started missing school and going into the local shopping malls. Once we managed to find out the problems My wife and I paid the school a visit and tried to resolve the situation. But eventually we moved and my son went to a new school. Only after he moved to yet another school in the Ardennes well away from the Paris suburb's did things settle down.
There are two ways around your daughters bullying problems one is to take her out of that school and find a new school with better, more experienced teachers , or make a formal complaint to the school director and get other child and her parents involved. But do it quickly don't let this situation fester.
By the way the young man who gave my son so much grief came to work as a cleaner in the company I worked for. He took one look at me and transferred out. Maybe he thought I would make his life very hard !
My daughter is only four and a half and the only Brit in her class. Two other Brit girls have just arrived in a more senior class but there are only now 3 Brits about of about 65. I think we will always be les Anglais because we live in an isolated village and any newcomer is regarded with interest. I thinks that there's always push and shove in schools as in life and I can certainly remember school bullies as I expect we all can. Remember that some of this is down to the fact that new comers are often better travelled and more experienced of the world than those living in French villages. I would say make a positive thing out of the fact that you are different. Yes I would say invite the parents of the other girl round. As for "other" schools we don't have any within about a round trip of 10 miles and to bring up your child as somebody apart from your village will do much more harm than good. Rumours may spread to other schools as well. You get all sorts of different children in schools, some polite, intelligent, kind, others less so but there will always be a few bullies and they often don't do very well. Concentrate on your child and by all means seek a meeting with the school conseil too- that is why it's there.
25 years ago, whilst we were in UK, our daughter was getting racist bullying by kids in her school. I went to the head and insisted that the children (about 5 of them) be spoken to. I insisted that their parents were spoken to too, as often this attitude is copied from them. I finally insisted that the whole school was told that they would not accept this behaviour. The head was great about it and stopped it quickly. We expected some of this so both our kids were quite able to "fight" back, but it should not be acceptable. Remember Clare, you pay those teachers' wages, so don't be afraid to speak up.
hi Clare. i said exactly the same thing to my daughter....i just want her to tell me the truth and that perhaps not to over exaggerate but i know this bully girl and she is a little minx, more than that my daughter tells me just worrying things about this girl, 'running the playground'. it is definitely a jealousy thing but dont forget children like this bully girl are very very clever. clever towards never getting caught. my daughter says that she has tried my technique of offering to play other games with other girls in the group of 6, but they hesitate and say no to my daughter, because of what the bully girl will say. it is ridiculous. i am hesitating on whether to approach the mother of this girl, who i know really well, as my daughter thinks it will just make things worse. sneaky, mean, overbearing behaviour is what this girl demonstrates - it makes me so cross! however it is a real cultural trait ...sadly. where are you based?
My advice is to ignore the myth that things are done differently here with regards to parents questioning teachers etc, I have lived here 24 years my kids were born in France and have gone through the whole system. We have always gone straight to the school and spoke directly to the teachers and if this has not solved the problem we have gone to the next level of authority until we have been listened to and any problems resolved. My son is dyslexic so there has been many problems along the way !! the only people who care about your child is yourself so you have do what you think is right, we live in a very small village get along with everyone even the teachers we have questioned in the past
Hi
I suspect the bully feels her dominant position in the class is being threatened by the exotic little girl with the English accent (English is very chic in France) and the hard-working attitude. She therefore will not rest until the threat is annihilated. Go to the head teacher. Your girl's class teacher sounds as if she does not want to see the problem, there is a strong cultural thread in France of conflict avoidance, which she obviously buys into. In a high-authority context like a French school this is asking for trouble. If the head decides to back up their teacher, then go to the rectorat. I can understand your fear of causing trouble with local worthies, but contacting the parents and, without too much finger-pointing, see what relationships you can build there might be also be constructive.
Your first move might well be to take your daughter out of this toxic environment, as a statement of intent as and a way of taking pressure off her. There is another aspect to this and that is the girl doing all the bullying. She is destroying her character and you might like to take the attitude that you have a responsibility to use tough love on her. She probably bullies others too, they also need protecting. This would also play well in the public arena around your way.
If you get no satisfaction from any of the usual channels, try the local press, start a facebook antibullying page, try other ways of publicising this little girl's nasty activities.
Whatever your course of action, do not let fear dominate you, fight your daughter's corner as hard as you can, remember, she is watching you closely. I think you might find some interesting allies pop up out of nowhere.
Hi Nicola. It seems very similar. One of the things I am really concerned with is my daughters welfare whilst AT school. She has only told me today because she said she was frightened of what the teacher would say if she knew that my daughter had told me that the teacher had said she should not keep coming home and telling me what happens and now I am fuming. sadly it is a classic case of follow the leader, the bully being the strongest child. I have a French friend who keeps trying to convince me that my daughter ;ust have done something to deserve this treatment and that she exaggerates, but I have all but threatened my daughter that if she is lying then SHE will be in serious trouble and this upsets her because she doesn't think I believe her. I don't want her to ever think that she cant talk to me about anything. We are very close. The biggest issue is that the teacher never sees the abuse. It is hard I know to keep tabs on every movement, but the teachers behaviour suggests that she does not believe my daughter. She also made my daughter feel uncomfortable with a leading question saying that this bully was a nice person really isnt she? She felt pressurised to say yes because the bully was there and she told me she did not want to say this. So she feels the teacher takes no notice of what she is trying to tell her. I am frightened that she will just close up. Her behaviour recently has not been good at home. You could argue that this is just kids behaviour but it is out s character from what she is usually like. I just want to nip it in the bud before it gets serious and potentially carries on in to college. It is horrible when you have to say you want the others to see that we will not tolerate this kind of behaviour without fighting back through the official channels.
Okay.....first off find out what the school policy is regarding bullying. This should state the protocol and discipline level regarding the incident. Next put everything in writing starting now with the day/times and incidents and the meetings you have had and what was said. Next make an appointment with the head and/or the head of bullying. Take a copy of your paperwork with you so it's on record. Make it known that you are not going away and that you want confirmation of what measures will take place NOW and what they will do should this happen again. At the very least they need to speak to this child and/or her parents. You also need to discuss at the meeting, who your daughter is to speak to as and when this happens next even if she has to get up and leave the classroom.
Be very careful of your childs emotions as often when it gets to this point and the school actually starts to address it, the bully gets clever and tries to work around times/places where they won't be seen. It may also be helpful to speak to another parent or two of kids in her class (the nice friendly ones!) and put them in the loop so that they can monitor the situation and help her by standing up for her and making sure she is not alone out of sight of teachers (playground/bathroom/before and after school).
Make sure your daughter knows that this is NOTHING she is doing and is not her fault.
It sounds like the teacher is completely ineffective as far as discipline is concerned, is there another class she could move to with a better teacher?
I do feel for you as my son had three miserable years of this (at the age your daughter is and it's tough) sitting in class with a teacher ignoring all taunts and being physically pushed around at break times. I spent a fortune at the child psychologist trying to make my son feel better......the system was not going to change, so we moved schools. I only wish we had moved sooner!
I do hope you can get some resolution or at worst the bully may decide to move on as your daughter will speak out.....just sorry for the next kid they pick on.....
Hugs....you are a good mum! xxx
My heart goes out to you. We were in a similar situation a few years back when one girl attempted to turn the whole school against my daughter. It is very, very distressing. I think that jealousy is often a motive. Certiainly in our case, the bully in question had befriended my daughter when we first arrived and the problems only started when my daughter mastered French and rose to the top of the class. I think I would take Meg's approach. Ask for a meeting with the head, the teacher, you and your partner and your daughter and be very firm about this being absolutely unacceptable. Be well prepared with your arguments and point of view and what you are going to do if you do not get any joy from the school (like speak to the schools inspectorate). Good idea to take someone with you as Meg says, depending on how good your French is. My experience is that French teachers don't like being challenged and they may well try to play down how big an issue this is. Stand firm and if all else fails, I would move your child to another school. There is no reason why she would not be happy elsewhere. I am saying this with the benefit of hindsight. At the time I did not do what I'm recommending but I wish I had. I talked to the teacher, who was sympathetic but fairly ineffectual and also the bully's mother who was very closed to the idea that there was a problem. We limped through that year and then my daughter moved up to college, where she has been very happy. In retrospect, if that happened to me again and there was no resolution after talking to all concerned, I would have no hesitation in moving my child to another school. I know it feels like a huge step, especially when you want to integrate into your own community and your inclination is not to 'give in' to a bully when they are in the wrong, but it's not worth having a miserable child. Much love and courage to you all.
hi Claire
I sympathise as i have an 8 year old daughter who has exactly the same problem with a girl in her class. again one of the only english speaking girl in her school she is liked by many but there is one girl that decides who and when others are allowed to play. my daughter is outgoing and chatty at home and with many of the other children but is really suffering because of this 'follow the leader' attitude by this girl. apparently the other children dont want to upset this ring leader. my daughter is at a french private school in the centre of Nimes and so it is not as close community as where you are. in addition i really like this girls parents, but i do think that contacting the parents direct is a step. the teachers in france like to be informed but the french have a very good way of making things appear that it is not their fault. My daughter is not against me talking to the mother of this girl, but she shrugs and says that she doesnt think she will change, or she will lie and say that she hasn't done anything wrong. the other thing is to discuss with other girls parents if their children have noticed what is happening to your daughter. i have been here since 2008 and have two girls, my eldest is now 17 and been through college. why not contact me direct and we can have a chat if you like. PM and I can call you or vice versa.