Yes, 25th of January for the Alzheimers.
@Debbie Wade, cut her fingernails? You must be joking, more than my life’s worth. I had to get a man in, on prescription to cut her toenails, €45 euros, no CV accepted, no receipt and no reimbursement. 
Our last follow up visit to the surgeon who operated yesterday and he was his usual gloomy self after seeing her x-rays. Not that there appears to be anything wrong with them, he had manipulated the dislocation successfully but seems very sad at the fact that she is so frail and muttered several times ‘elle a malade, elle a malade’ and then ‘je peux faire rien d’autre parce qu’elle est si faible’. I got the impression that he meant that her bones would not stand any sort of intervention necessary in the future if there was another fall.
He asked about our house and the space within it and was very sad about our method of lifting her from the bed or chair, but welcoming of the proposed arrival of the medical bed and use of the wheelchair. I was surprised that no physio was suggested but, as repeated trips to Perigueux, if that was where it should take place, would not really be welcomed by us, 2 dogs and a wheelchair in the car is not exactly easy on the nerves, we weren’t too unhappy with that.
He normally greets with a fist bump, no handshake and I respond accordingly, but when he left he held my fist to his hand by clasping my wrist with his other hand for several seconds with an expression of helpless sympathy on his face and did the same with Fran.
So, with no further treatment in the offing I have decided that we must take matters into our own hands and start our own mild physio to build strength in her muscles and knees and can do this now that she has a little less pain in her left hand and arm. The aim is that she eventually manages to rise and walk by herself with the aid of her stick within the house at least anyway, and I think we can make that happen.
The exit from the house initially was accomplished with the wheelchair on the new route from the ground level other end of the terrasse, now a pathway has been cleared, but had to be done backwards because the little wheels at the front tend to dig in to the uneven ground. That was ok but there were some alarming tilts before we got to the car. After, we thought, cleverly dodging the showers, just as we got the car door open the heavens did likewise and we both got soaked. But mercifully all was fine at the other end. 
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Just a thought, David… is your wife eating a little better… 'cos without suitable nourishment, surely she will have difficulty building up her muscular strength ???
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Yes she is, one of the side effects of her mental illness is that she is concentrating on vegetables too now with little desire for meat, but last night she had all of her chicken stew. This started out a week ago as beef stew and then the liquid used again with an entirely new chicken one, all done in the slow cooker. Delicious and nourishing.
The other beneficial side effect is that she forgot she was a 20 a day smoker, back in early September, and hasn’t had a fag since, though a couple of times she has mentioned that she has run out of cigarettes, but not pursued the matter when I have told her that she has given up.
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Is there any way you can get her to eat more carbohydrates and fat? I suspect you are doing very well as it is but thought I’d ask.
My other half, all his life, didn’t take much in the way of fluids beyond tea or coffee. When he was very ill and simply didn’t have the capacity to eat much, I made every coffee with milk rather than water, tea very milky and got him to drink a few more very calorific hot chocolates as a way of trying to sneak calories and a bit of extra nutrition into him.
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Neither of us drink tea and never with milk in that or coffee anyway. Nowadays the milk only gets used for my cereals now and again so, because it lasts in the fridge, only non-fat. I can’t remember the last time she drank any milk.
But I am very keen to make sure she takes her 2 Fortimel drinks (or creams) per day, as per prescription. I believe that is doing her more good than anything. Otherwise it is digestive biscuits and lemonade.
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Would a walking frame not be better just now than trying with sticks, a lot more stable and easier for her to rest with, much easier to help her up as well, another prescription I think 
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I am very disappointed by the care you and Fran have had from health and social services. Your GP doesn’t seem proactive, to say the least! There will be a kiné (physio) near you, and in some cases they even do home visits. It’s the sort of thing I would have expected your GP to think about, as well as an occupational therapist to help work out how to move round the house. Add to your list for GP!
I do hope after your appointment at end January you will be offered better support.
Other people get these services, so why not you! And you are helping the health service hugely and saving them a lot of money by looking after Fran yourself. So don’t feel hesitant about asking.
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David be very careful of starting your own Physio as you can do more harm than good. My OH has just started Physio for the same reasons. He is starting with " resistance exercises". That is she has to push or pull against his hands whilst he gives her different levels of resistance. start things slowly. She comes home exhausted after a half hour session. We have a Salle de Sport at home set up last year when I started to have problems and was having long term physio so was able to do “homework” to speed up the treatment. But he has told her not to use any of the equipment at home yet until he is sure she is ready for it and he will give her homework. It’s a long slow process and with all the other problems your having be patient.
@Griffin36 Yes she has a frame like that but without the wheels, and you are right, it would be more useful but has been impractical up to now because of the near paralysis in her left arm and hand. Now it is getting better we might use that.
@JaneJones As I said I was surprised, but getting to see the doctor would be a help, maybe we will get some movement on that score on the 31st. In the meantime @david_gillies , you are right and we will take it easy. We are limiting ourselves to trying to get her to her feet from a chair merely with holding both hands in mine, but we are not there yet, and it is still arms around the waist and lifting from the knees (mine). I am always aware though of the danger to her ribs if done without care.
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Well a calm evening turned nasty last night. As has happened a couple of times in the past she steadfastly refused to be helped from her chair to go to the bathroom and then bed. I normally take her there, undressing her on the way, and do the washing up while she completes her business and then help her to the bed. She didn’t say that she didn’t want to stay there all night but wasn’t going yet, this at nearly 1 am.
I did some other things, checking the dogs’ water, clearing things away that needed no washing and then went back hoping she would be more amenable. No change, with blazing eyes and threatening claws, she refuses to have her long nails cut and is perfectly capable of using them on me and my clothing, she again said she wasn’t ready.
Eventually I did manage to get her to her feet and she allowed me very reluctantly, pulling back all the way, to get her into the kitchen where I normally undress her before continuing to the bathroom. This produced another bout of anger as she tried to rip the loose knit fisherman’s jumper I was wearing. I grasped her firmly by the wrists to stop this and gave up all hope of either bathroom or disrobing, and started to pull her towards the bedroom. She again resisted, dislodging my grip except for one hand on wrist and she fell towards the floor. In desperation, because I know if she went completely to the floor I would never get her up again, I managed to get my now free right arm around her waist and back upright, but for a few seconds all her weight was concentrated on her one arm and I was terrified that her other shoulder would dislocate. How would I explain that to a surgeon who initially misunderstood and thought that I had not brought her after a fall to Urgences? If she had been beaten up how would her injuries differ from those received in violent, but justified, encounters like this.
I eventually managed to get her into bed and, although still half dressed, covered up for the night, and she became quiet. I worry for her and possible injuries, I worry for me the same, and I worry that one day I might find my self on a charge of abuse.
The time before when it happened and she spent the whole night in the chair, I fetched the camera and videod it, but somehow that seems creepy and intrusive, also as if I was preparing myself for some future act against her. So I resisted doing that again and was reduced to standing there trembling with anger and helplessness until that final lunge to get her up.
The dogs pick up on this too. Jules, the Beauceron, usually goes to lie on her bed when we are all settled, but last night he came to mine and laid down for a while before returning to his ‘normal’ place.
Yet another lady from APA is coming to assess our needs on the 6th, but she will hear nothing of this, all they are interested in is cleaning and toiletting. And in any case, on the rare occasions in the company of others she is sweetness and light, silently smiling to all and sundry.
This is all too much now, you really need to see the doctor and explain what is happening and the possible harm to you and yourself due to her mood swings.
The health professionals are there to help/support you, it’s their job after all and that is what they should be doing, someone is needing a rocket up their back side now.
Somehow you need to get an emergency appointment with your doctor, lay it on the line that this is going to result in either one or both of you getting seriously hurt or could prove fatal and you need help as soon as possible.
It is not your fault and is in no way a reflection on your capabilities, you just should not have to put up with this, it has come to the time when you are going to have to be blunt and forcefull with the health professionals and get them to do their jobs, sorry but I found out a long time ago that being nice and trying to cope yourself does not always work and there comes a time when you have to be forceful to make things happen.
You need the help and you should be getting it, it’s your entitlement as much as anybody’s, at the end of the day, the person that is being nice and trying to help themselves will get shuffled to the back of the queue.
Never blame yourself and take pride in what you are trying to do because you are amazing, but there comes a time where being forcefull and gobby is the only way to get things moving in the right direction so you get the help you so richly deserve.
I know what you are going through having been there myself and this is in no way an attack on you or your capabilities, but there comes a time where you have to get them to understand fully what is going on and the consiquences of what could and will eventually happen.
Take care and good luck.
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No, they should not be. If she is correctly assessed for APA she will score highly from what you say and maybe funds for other aides should be forthcoming. I think they may well have classed her as only needing help with bathing and dressing, not being totally dependant and unable to move by herself.
You do need to explain to them the worst day, not the best!
And I agree with Colin, express your frustration at your doctor.
(And show them her nails, and explain she won’t let you cut them. Toe and finger nails are common bits of aide provided as many elderly people can’t manage this).
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In many ways it’s a change of mindset, you need to stop seeing yourself as a charity case or a trouble to the services/doctor or some sort of failure, YOU ARE NOT, the services are put there by the government to help YOU and it is about time you stopped getting the run around and got the help you deserve, you have paid your taxes and any help is no less than you both deserve.
I learned that people who will not take no for an answer, get, while those who sit back and are nice, usually don’t.
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Show the video and don’t be frightened of making further videos.
Do not let any assessor leave without ensuring the assessor hears and understands the worst, not the best. Have Marie-Paule or anyone with you to translate, if you can . Show every video you’ve got.
In England I’d be drafting a letter explaining the worst as it’s now most of the time, and having a solicitor send it signed-for to doctor and social services.
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It does sound as though you are now beyond your ability to look after Fran safely, and should be kicking and screaming on behalf of you both to get the help that you need.
Not sure how much physio will help - Fran has to be able to co-operate with treatment for the benefit to be there.
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A specialist told us we had to manifester to get noticed and listened to. We did it, but it didn’t come naturally to stand firm for as long as it took, in front of an offhand anaesthesist in a busy reception corridor. But manifesting worked.
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I had to look up manifester, so now I know, but not sure where I would do it, at the hospital, the doctor’s or the prefecture?
But I thank you all for the support, it does encourage me, and I try to think of it when the red mist descends, or even the black one. Not easy though. I got Fran up around 1.30pm, undressed from the night before and into the bathroom. Left her to it for a bit and then to the wash basin. Later I called to ask if she was ready and she was just finishing cleaning her teeth, with the cold tap running full blast and the water level in the large basin about 1cm from the lip. 
. She had left the plug in from when she was washing herself.
Got her to her chair and tried to help her to sit, she remained unbending and rigid so hit the seat rather hard and I got another angry mouthful. The red mist came down and I just flung her clothes at her and said ‘dress yourself then’. I’d better go and check if she has managed it yet.
I have had a change around to avoid a repeat of last night. I have replaced her dinner chair with the wheelchair, so when it is time for bed I will simply wheel her away. A bit of a tight squeeze through the doorway and up one step, and I have had to move a few things, but it might just work.
I had it for 6 weeks with Janis in hospital after the second stroke, she basically went on a hunger strike as she could not face the prospect of going blind and being paralyzed and would rather be dead, it got to the point her kidneys were starting to fail and they were going to force feed her.
I met with the specialist and told him I wanted the chance to feed her myself without any interference from the hospital staff and after quite a fight I got written permission to do so.
They moved her to a side room where every night for three weeks I used to feed her alone, I wore most of the food and got hit with a few plates (we changed to paper plates after that 
) and I had to take a shower and change clothes every night, but slowly I talked her round to the fact we would manage fine and work like hell at getting her mobile again, we got her interest in life back she started eating again in and we had another two years together before she passed away.
I know the situations are different, but you have to get into a mindset that you have to fight tooth and nail to get what you want from the social services/medical profession, even though it goes against everything you were brought up to be, it’s your right to get the help you need and if they cannot see that, you have to firmly steer them in that direction.
You are no use to Fran if you get hurt or become too resentful of her actions, you need to take care of yourself and your mental well-being and get the help being forcefully insistent if needed.
You matter as much as Fran and they have to be made fully aware of the situation and the effect it is having, now rather than later when it is too late.
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Doctors, assistante sociale, APA person…polite repetitive persistence.
“I need help, I can’t manage alone like this, it is not safe…what can you do to help.” or equivalent, just repeated calmly every time you get a negative response.
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