And we are David, so keep posting, keep telling us and we’ll keep listening and hopefully there are those here who can give you some practical suggestions.
Mine is a tiny one. I used to look after my Mum who lived with me through her final years - nothing like what you are going through - but I was also working fulltime in a very stressful job and then coming home to her and all her needs and anxieties. There were times I did not want to get out of the car and go in to my own house because I would have to see her. A friend who did business coaching said: imagine a glass bubble - imagine yourself climbing into the bubble. Now, your mother’s fears and concerns cannot reach you, they bounce off the bubble. You can help her, and be effective, but her words and behaviour cannot reach you or harm you. Maybe imagining something like this can help you David? Just a thought.
‘It is a great relief to know someone is, at least, listening.’
Yes, we are here to listen - it’s why I came into this thread. You are going through an incredibly tough time, and it’s no surprise that it grinds you down sometimes.
Once again I thank you all for your support and I will pick up on a few points.
@vero , it would be nice to speak to the doctor, but as I said it looks like another 6 weeks or so before I can even do that. I know that they are really busy at the moment but I was not seeking actual diagnosis or advice just a simple solution to a problem already diagnosed. I have no doubt that she would have granted the ordonnance for the bed and therefore strongly believe that this request was not put to her by the receptionist. I also believe that if she had been on ‘jab duty’ she would have acceded to both my requests, she knows the case and it would have added no more than a few minutes to the visit, or even none at all in order to keep on schedule, after all she did write the authorisation for the pension people at the end of her day. But I can’t speak to her, there is a defensive wall between us, so Fran and I carry on in a dangerous manner. I have been looking at cheap single beds which are perhaps a little higher with longer legs. That would be a help.
@JaneJones , I think what you refer to is something like a power of attorney, the first thing the pension people asked me when I rang them, and I don’t think we are there yet though this letter from the doctor does go some way in that direction to answer our immediate needs, the avoidence of her pension being stopped.
@SuePJ , I understand the ‘bubble technique’ but in a way I am already achieving that by not getting her out of bed before about 1pm, and in another way her ignoring my presence for long periods has the same effect. In yet another way it does not. Although I am very content in my own company, as long as I have something to read, there is a world of difference between being cut off from others as a protection, and being cut off by them even when present. As others here can attest, I do love talking and talk to myself quite often, but when there is another who does not, or cannot, partake in the conversation that is very hard to take.
@Ancient_Mariner, it does have a grinding effect, but what worries me is the extreme of anger it engenders in me caused by, what in previous times, would be quite trivial events. At the drop of a hat my reaction is instantly violent, vocally speaking. It does not subside as quickly, but festers and eats away at me sometimes.
My salvation is my Kindle, a few, very few, tv programmes that I can laugh at, or test my general knowledge against, and my daily swim. If the water was warmer I would stay in longer, but even so, the relaxation and refreshment on emerging is more of a tonic than any a doctor could prescribe. The dogs too are a pleasure, but I only walk them one by one now (so I get double the exercise), neither can be trusted offline and thus together they are a nightmare, but individually, a dream of obedience. 
Yes, I’m sure many of us that read your posts wish we could be closer and offer to help, even for a chat. I live the other end of the world near the Normandy coast.
While that is appreciated Jac, I think you will find that it might be less than satisfactory for the kind souls that volunteer. I have been known to go on a bit 
, and there is a world of difference between reading and offering comfort and advice at a distance, and being a captive audience on the other side of a table. 
My elderly mother (87) became house bound last year and relies on carers going in four times a day so she can continue to live at home, whilst she has no life threatening ailments she is not in good health and can barely see so she is now reliant on others which she absolutely detests.
Her behaviour towards myself and my sister has become appalling, she is constantly nasty and abusive yet demanding at the same time and my sister who visits her several times a week struggles to keep her temper and absolutely dreads going to see her.
What has become apparent is that my mother has no idea that in a very short space of time she has effectively become someone else and this is what I have tried to get over to my sister, my mother’s life is nearly at an end and being stuck in a chair day after day has turned her into a vile monster but she simply doesn’t know it so for however my mother lives we will just have to accept the situation hard though that is.
@David_Spardo, the above is insignificant compared to what you’re going through so all I can say is you’re doing amazing but for your own mental well-being please see if there is someone you can talk to ‘face to face’ as it will help.
David, can you write a note for the doctor? I have done this in the past - not often as means she misses out her 25€ - and it has always worked. I needed a certificate, wrote a note which I left with reception - and a couple of days later popped into the surgery to find it was ready for me.
As for taking legal steps to get administrative powers for Fran I do think you are there sadly. And as ever better to do these things before the situation is urgent. So do think seriously about getting some measures in place. As ever in France it is an administrative tangle. Is Fran able to sign her name? As the most basic approach would be to draw up a mandat de protection, which can set out her wishes in terms of taking medical decisions and/or financial. This can be done just as a simple document, and have linked a model below.
Having this in place can also be useful if you need to move to the next level in future, as it shows the judge her precious intentions. Have a think about it, and I (or no doubt others on here) would be happy to help with providing translations and more detailed text if you wanted to do this.
(Just to add, in France you can’t get your own doctor to sign certificates of competence, it has to be a special one!)
I really sympathise with you and your sister in your situation, Tim, I have been fortunate in that my Mum, dying of cancer years ago was, at least when I and my late brother were there, totally in control of her mind although Fran, who did at my Dad’s request go in each day to help, said she did have moments of confusion.
I am also fortunate that the periods with Fran of real resentment and anger are few and far between. The worst was the time when she refused point blank to leave her chair at the meal table and be taken to bathroom and bed. All she had to do was clamp her arms tight to her side making lifting her impossible. On that occasion she spent the whole night there and all I could do for her safety was push her chair tight to the table to stop her trying to rise. Last night I saw a flash of that but when she momentarily relaxed I swiftly moved my arms through and round her back (after the dislocation I am very careful not to use her armpits anymore) when she then relaxed and allowed me to take her, albeit starting again her gibbering noise of protest till I got her sat down in the bathroom. Her knees are weak and my method is to bend my own and crouch holding them between mine while I lock my hands behind her back in a bear hug. Then the whole lift is by me straightening my knees while at the same time throwing my weight backwards to balance us both. Goodness knows how I would cope if she was any heavier than 40 kgs.
When I shuffle her down the narrow gap between bed and wardrobe, all is fine between us. When she reaches the required position I swiftly turn her which causes her to lose balance and sit on the bed and then I gently push her head whereupon she collapses in fits of giggling. It is the best time of the day. I swiftly slip her slippers off and swing her legs inboard which spins her body round in alignment with the bed. Then 2 duvets are swept over her and the final blanket as well as for extra warmth as to protect them from Jules who spends much time sleeping alongside her during the night. He seems to split his time between there and on the dog settee just outside my bedroom door. She keeps her eyes tight shut as the covers sweep over her and opens them again, still giggling, to receive her goodnight kiss.
All this takes place between midnight and 1am and I hardly believe that anyone else would come in so late to do that job. One of the reasons why I declined the help with her ‘toilettage’. That and the fact that it would inconvenience me even more if I didn’t know the precise moments when they would arrive each day.
How late are the visits to your mother each day, and are they always at the same time? How does she behave towards them? Is this anger and resentment only directed to those closest to her? And are there any moments, such as I have described with Fran, when she loves and appreciates your presence?
@JaneJones She can sign her name after a fashion, and only if she is told what to do, but then she rarely gets it in the right place, if there is a box for instance, and often it sort of trails away downwards at the end. I was worried in the case of the pension statement that the variety of several ones would not look genuine. Apart from that, as all our finances and ownerships are combined the only thing I can think of which is her declared insistance is that she should be buried not cremated.
However a letter written to the doctor and posted rather than left (it is a 30 km round trip to drive) to explain the bed situation is a very good idea and I will follow it though. 
On the point of the doctor’s signature she has an appointment booked for late January to test for Alzheimers, but not sure if I will be allowed to go in, as Clinique Francheville has banned all ‘visitors’ now.
Sounds like the start of dementia, one of the tragic things about it is that people become so horrible that they alienate practically everyone they might be happy to see (or that they might need) before anyone realises it is actually dementia and not just nastiness.
I have to say @vero, that is exactly my experience with my father. His mood and demeanor with his family changed quite dramatically over a period of time, although with others, he would be extremely charming. His mood swings and subsequent violence became worse and worse until his carers, my mother and sister, could not cope. It’s one of the very cruel and upsetting features of dementia that doesn’t often get mentioned.
That is why I thought I’d mention it, it was like that for my mother with Pick’s disease (and particularly awful since as she was only in her early 50s nobody suspected dementia).
Had an answering email to my letter from the surgery today, with an ordonnance attached for a ‘lit medicalise’. Had a quick look online and the prices are eye watering. Not sure what to do with it yet, no doubt Marie-Paule will know and perhaps the pharmacie.
Not urgent at the moment, Fran’s leg muscles are a little stronger so, as long as she is willing, not such a pull to get her upright, but not easy either.
Another shouting match last night at the toilet. She will insist on not trusting me and goes as stiff as a board instead of bending at the waist and allowing me to lower her. Result, she crashed into the raised lid again while almost pulling me down with her.
Is she ticklish? Difficult to remain stiff as a board if ticklish.
She is actually, Sue, but since I mentioned what you said she has had her elbows firmly clamped to her sides. 
If this is in the context of her ALD then should be reimbursed 100%, if not then 65%. Take the ordnance to your pharmacy or local supplier of medical material and they will tell you the exact amount, and whether ordnance also covers hiring one. If her condition changes, and for example she ends up bed bound then she will need a different type of bed.
Little minx! Obviously still alert and in the ball for some things then!
Try tickling the back of hers knees, amazing how many people have a really ticklish spot there!
Ha ha, at the moment she has got the cuff button on her jacket undone and says she is trying to do it up again. Asked why she had undone it she said ‘it seemed like the right thing to do’. But she is struggling so I offered to help, refused ‘because you are no better at it then I am’. But I went ahead anyway and asked again if she wanted it doing up. ‘No’ was the reply, so I sat down again, as she proceeded to try again herself.
The ALD goes back a long way and neither of us can remember the details now, but she retired early on medical grounds in the 90s from the care home where she worked and from that moment on she received disability benefit, which needed a detailed form filling in each year or so till eventually they said she no longer needed to justify her eligibility. Those documents must have been produced here. If need be, as I never throw anything away, I will have to plough through an old filing cabinet that we brought with us when we moved here. It will be something to do with a nervous complaint, possibly brought on by stress at the care home when she did multiple night shifts totally alone to deal with whatever came up.
Hang on a minute…yes she is, but she has also got lethal fingernails.
Haha, sometimes you just can’t win, ( cut her finger nails?). You do an amazing job David, I hope you have a very peaceful Christmas.
I think you have your diagnostic appointment for Alzheimer’s/dementia soon? As if diagnosed - which seems quite likely from what you describe - then make sure the doctor fills in the ALD form for that thoroughly to include household aids. Which will not have an end date.