The son of dear French friends of ours is getting married in Paris at the end of this month. It will be a small wedding because of COVID and immediately they are moving abroad.
We do not know him well, but we went to his sister’s wedding some years ago.
If this was the UK I’d just ask his mother for their wedding present list.
What is the etiquette here?
I feel it may be further complicated by his moving abroad immediately.
His parents will be going up there next week and so I need to do something smartish.
The last time I went to a French wedding, the bride had prepared a sort of fancy box that people could put cheques/money into, which was their preferred present medium since they already had household goods etc. I got the impression this was normal but it felt uncomfortable to me even though that was what we did and we got a nice thank-you letter. Someone with more experience will be able to be more helpful than me, probably…
I am going to a friend’s wedding in a few weeks. We are doing a collect between us (colleagues) as they already have most things for the house. I also went to another wedding where we collected cash together so it’s seems quite normal.
Personally I find it easier in terms of getting the right thing.
I do however try and find a decorated horseshoe for them and explain about the British tradition. Whilst the Victorians gave it to the bride as a fertility gift, it is also seen to bring good luck and protection.
It makes for a little something different for them to keep and has always been very well received.
I would have thought so but I would actually ask the parents outright whether this is what is most appropriate for their offspring. The French are usually not bashful about that sort of thing.
“Une cagnotte” is very common- cheques or cash! Often a nicely decorated box in a reasonably prominent position.
The last wedding we went to (pre-Covid) the couple were going to honeymoon in Canada so we source Canadian notes. It seemed a reasonable compromise for us as giving money doesn’t sit completely comfortably.
Exactly! That was our problem too but it was appreciated and we did put it in a nice card. However, quite a few people just put notes in the box so the gifts were anonymous - I wonder if that is usual as well?
(“Cagnotte” is new to me - obviously hasn’t appeared in Frantastique for me yet )
In this instance though we won’t actually be there. So we’ll have to give something to the parents to take with them.
If I ask, she will tell me not to give anything! I know she will.
It’s quite acceptable around here.
The idea is (as I understand it) that folk who wish to give something… do just that, whatever they feel comfortable with… and no-one knows how much each person has given.
No-one flashes the notes around… “whatever” is popped discreetly into the box…
Thank you @Stella - that’s what I thought was probably happening at the wedding I went to (and a very good idea too!) Being very British I wasn’t at all sure so put it in a signed card. I think now I might well have done the anonymous bit but I’m not sure. It did cause me to question my motives in giving - did I want to be seen as generous or did I want to support the youngsters in their new life. It’s such a very different way of looking at things. I so hope that at some point I’ll get to grips with the culture here but…
As for Sue, I still think that perhaps a question to the parents along the lines of “We want togive them something - what would be most useful to them?” might bring an interesting response? They seem to be good friends!
If it is in a sealed envelope it is really up to you! We have only been to two french weddings. One was 50€, as not that close and invited only to the evening event. Then other was 100€ (equivalent ) as closer and invited to whole thing. But if this is just a gesture then perhaps 25 or 30€ is appropriate?
Some folk put in cards… some folk put in sealed envelopes… some folk put in notes/cheques… and a separate card… it’s mix and match…
Around here, folk are very proud but not necessarily well-off.
The chance for the gift to be anonymous avoids embarrassment (have I given too little/ have I given or perhaps not given… ).
Folk are invited for themselves and not for their gift.
We’ve only been to one wedding here, when I was still working, the Boss’ son who was also a manager in the firm.
The whole workforce was invited, can’t remember how but I don’t think it was a personal invitation. Unable to squeeze into the mairie of course but only 2 or 3 of us, with wives, walked up to the church ceremony. The rest, in large numbers, waited in the street and then joined the noisy motorised cavalcade 5 kms away to the holiday village they had taken over where the food and drink flowed liberally.
I suppose because it wasn’t a personal invitation, the issue of a gift never occurred to us and indeed there was no such box as described above in evidence anywhere. The thought of poor lorry drivers, round here all on the minimum wage, giving money to the well off son of a well off family, all running BMs and financing motorsport, would not have seemed appropriate somehow.
However, in the unlikely event of a personal invitation in the future, I am grateful for the advice re notes and an anonymous box.
)
