How British are you?!

humour

(James Higginson) #1

Things which confirm you’re British. From a book by Rob Temple.

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again”


(stella wood) #2

:grin::grin::grin: I can recognize myself in a few of the above…:upside_down_face::upside_down_face:


(Mandy Davies) #3

Oh yes. Definitely done more than half of these :grin:

James - there is a Twitter account with lots of brilliant stuff on it
https://twitter.com/SoVeryBritish


(David Martin) #4

But is that because they are British problems or just human problems?


(Carol Lokocki) #5

There are four statements which correspond
punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome”
Running out of way to say thank you when a succession of doors are held for you,
(staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up.


(stella wood) #6

:relaxed::relaxed: David

The things that I can relate to… I don’t see them as problems… I see them as “part of my crazy charm”…:hugs:


(David Martin) #7

Occasionally I see the only in Britain quotes on Facebook and usually find them funny because they really hit the spot. The list above is too general and, in my opinion, is more to do with human nature than nationality.


(Sebastian Smith) #8

I didn’t expect to, but found that all funny (and cringeworthy) because it all rang true for me. I think I need counselling now.


(stella wood) #9

Gracious Sebastian… not sure whether to congratulate or commiserate… :relaxed::relaxed: whichever, you’ve clearly got even more “crazy charm” than I have… :upside_down_face::upside_down_face::upside_down_face:


(Vicky Robertson) #10

That’s hilarious! ( And sadly I can tick most of them…):grin:


(Peter Goble) #11

Bang to rights with me. What do you call shrivelling to a small unpleasant looking ball of guilt and shame, a ball that giggles and rolls about with the joy of self-recognition, squeaking Rule Brittania?


(Anne Marie Huet ) #12

I am so British :blush: I can see myself in nearly all of these comments lol.
When I stand up to leave in France, I say “ok” lol
You can take the lady out of Britain, you cannot take Britain out of the lady lol


(Harry Fawcett) #13

I have no idea i’m not British i’m Welsh :stuck_out_tongue:


(Bill Morgan) #14

Well thats a pity, boyo, I’m a ‘Morgan’, but 'appy to be British, Yaki da! :+1:


(Harry Fawcett) #15

thats just popty ping


(Bill Morgan) #16

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


(Bill Morgan) #17

Very good James, in many instances, me 'and 'as to go up :grin:


(Harry Fawcett) #18

While ah wor born i’ wales ah grew up i’ Yorksha sa technically ah’m eur welsh Yorksha bred lad. (had to work on that one. Thank theur reeight much ‘n gran’ is eur teeur wi’ 2 sugars.


(Peter Goble) #19

I’m a Brummie born and bred. We don’t do opinions on other regions of England except that we know all Londoners are effete pansies who only ever drink halves of beer and burst into tears at the sight of a spanner or an oily rag


(Mark Robbins) #20

What’s the difference between a brummie and a Londoner?

The Londoner is a shining wit