Isn’t it a better idea to discuss how much, how little…of anything…with the friends themselves?
I don’t tend to do my chit chatting over apéros (don’t have time for one) but a quick head count reminds me that in the last 2/3 years alone, I have spoken to well over a hundred similar (mainly health care professionals) and whilst I have learned some very interesting stuff (!!), not once, ever, has anyone mentioned Anglo saxon relationship breakdown being problematic for the female partner.
Even if this was the case (which perhaps it is in your corner of France ), I still don’t see why this is an issue just for women ? Surely relationship breakdown affects both parties - the clue being in the word relationship?
And…more to the point…what does this have to do with keeping in touch?!
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I can see that if it takes for someone to stay in touch with those “back home” for their continued stay in France to be tolerable and not feel lonely.
This would be particularly the case where one side of the couple was more keen on staying in France than the other, conversely it could also lead to that person feeling even more homesick.
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Keeping in touch… is not always enough though… and I do know of several couples (over the years) … who have gone back to UK because “she misses the grandchildren too much”… 
Whether it is really the wife’s “fault” or not… is impossible to say… for the couples round here… one husband “missed the sea too much”, so his wife told us…
Hi CathARine, it was never my intention to get this going as some sort of mysoginist issue, and I am pretty sure that neither did Peter. I know you are an ardent Feminist and fair enough, but don’t you think you are taking it a little far in this case?
I believe Peter as he says is making a point as he sees it, and again I am sure like me he realises that this is YOUR site and entitled to make any rules and regulations and censorships as you like, but I would hate to see anyone damned because of his or her point of view.
My amiable point - or so I imagined, was one of NOT endangering a relationship/friendship through ‘invading their space’ or as Pointed out ‘demanding a reply’ which I don’t think I have ever done, but on reflection maybe talking to anyone sort-of demands/requests a reply?
Certainly here I have been a little surprised as to how hostile the reception has been - let’s face it, mainly by women (see I have remembered your rejection of the word ‘Ladies’)
I suppose in summation I feel that if a friendship is worth anything then it is worth working at, others obviouslt believe there is something basically organic keeping a friendship alive - but even plants need nutirion, don’t they?
It is of course possibe even probable that the friendships I have perceived have not been what I imagined, but be that as it may I would hate to think they had moved on simply because I didn’t work at them. Yet as I have repeatedly indicated I also wouldn’t like to feel my overloading them with contact subscribed to their demise…
I am finally just a litle puzzled as to how this has switched over to people being ‘Health Service Workers’ or similar, a s I confess I had not positioned ‘friendships’ in a Health Hazard environment.
Never too old to learn, eh?
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Jeanette; theoretically yes - but how would people really react to such a question? I suppose in some respects I have had the friendships (or ex-friendships) of several who have told me to my face to get lost.
However I don’t believe most people would do this, and prefer to quietly not reply and let me work it out for myself - which I suppose is part of what I am doing now?
Problem is I am not very bright, and also a slow learner - which is why even at my age I still ask questions.
Plus I have no desire for a lonely and extended old age, but am I creating such a scenario for myself anyway? If so, then I would seriously consider taking myself out.
Dear Norm,
Firstly can I very politely request that you drop your pointed CathArine joke? It has worn rather thin.
Secondly my comment has NOTHING to do with being a feminist, ardent or otherwise. I merely had no idea (and still don’t), whatsoever, why Peter G brought women into your discussion about keeping in touch with friends.
Thirdly NO ONE ever gets ‘dammed’ or rather more importantly, banned, on SF for their point of view, but they do get removed for being rude to OTHER members. You will note that I am not including myself in this because if I had a euro for every time someone has been rude to me, I would be relaxing in the sun this afternoon rather than rushing back to work.
Thanks.
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Norman, many people have derided my own happy connection with online pals, “not real friends” etc…but online …if not exclusively, which could be, but isn’t necessarily, a bad idea…I have found d many very sweet and kind people of every nationality, age, interest, brain power! Etc etc… So as long as you have a computer that works…there will be friendly contacts to be made (don’t forget this is my experience, and may never be yours …who knows!)…so that’s where I’d begin…
… But then…VERY IMPORTANT…in my opinion…and I’m passing out here, with the vast significance of the thought which seems to me to be a fundamental …bottom line of every friendship! That is to say, giving people you care about …the right/freedom to be angry/depressed/dismissive… doesn’t that have to be understood?
I’m not talking about being a doormat to any toxic beasts that might conceivably be friends, one day, if you grovel!!!
But if someone, tells you to soddoff, to your face, when you thought they were good pals…, it proves not a lot.
Then…maybe equally important…if not more so, is to ask that person, him/her self, don’t try to guess! Say what is in your head! That’s treating someone as a true friend…being honest, authentic …I think so.
You want/need to know how they feel about your posts …your continued communication?
Who can tell you, if they cannot tell you themselves? There is no one better. If you think its hard to ask questions like that…think about how you would like to BE asked… By someone who feels as you do.?
If they respond in an angry way or bad tempered unfriendly…
Give them a rest… Just talk as though nothing bad ever happened, another day. Not more than a few times! Never enough to bring you down, and make you feel low!.
The thing is every man really IS … In so many ways, an island …that’s my experience. So, anyone you care about…never give up on them! Give them the chance, to be friends again. And how best to keep those best of friends for ever?
Having a life of your own, matters. If you find your friends are drifting_away, they may be drifting into new worlds that you wont be a part of …
You have your own world, your own interests…you will find new pals there.
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Afternoon Norman, what a great question. If they live aboard or another part of the country i think every 3-4 weeks is sufficient for family and 6-8 weeks with close friends and about every season for fringe friends, but if they live locally then every 1-2 weeks is acceptable, it also depends on what you are “keeping in touch” about, is it always for negative things? is it always to ask for help? etc etc. No one wants to hear from someone if always to whine or moan.
Torre - yep spot on, but I admit to leaning on friends in recent times of trouble and finding the real ones of many years standing were there, whilst the others were not - whether than means anything or nothing I am not sure, but those that were there were friends of more than thirty years standing, whilst others of lesser duration were the ones who were absent. The former were the ones who put up with my moaning, which counts a lot for me.
Jeanette, good thinking but I don’t square it too much with my own experience I’m afraid or with those who have ‘moved on’. I tend to take people largely at face value, and seriously. Elsewhere I have noted the effort I made to restore ‘friendships’ with a very negative response, that convinced me I was wasting my time, even though they were people I liked and were interesting, funny etc. I feel I don’t have the years left to try any further or again.
Maybe that’s the best thing of all - to be realistic about when something is over - it’s over? It’s often also the hardest thing to be.
Now I am leaving to to others to be the prime movers - and guess what…?
Oh, absolutely so, Norman! Although…the ONLY person you can be sure about…(or even maybe not even…) is you!
You say its over when its over…of course you can say that…
Some folks inspire a lot more, is my feeling, than a cheery…
“OK! Toodle Pip, old pal!!”. I can think of at least a couple who…ah…but let’s not dig the dirt!!
Most of my pals have been people I’d always be glad to hear from, one day …maybe decades away, Time takes people to odd places sometimes…Sometimes washed away for ever…sometimes…" Hey!! Is it really YOU!"…when you meet again. Sometimes an inspiration to dive behind a tree? Sometimes…say “Hi! Wow!” and remember good, forget the bad, times. …
I suppose…I prefer to keep options open.
Even for the ABJECT Rotters! I like to know what became of them! And if, after all…they benefitted from our encounter!
But…at no time…not ever…would I allow me to take more crap than looked entirely worthwhile.!
Its probably about balance!?
If you love a pal …after the time it takes to get over whatever horrible things happened… I don’t think I’d ever want to tell them…“soddoff!” Or anything like!
But as you say…your way and my way…no reason at all to take similar paths.
Good luck! You sound like you are about to trip to pastures new, find new friends.
My wife’s Aunt went through a divorce about 7 years ago and every time they met or spoke on the phone her aunt would just unload her troubles on her. My wife was supportive for many years but thankfully got the strength to be honest with her. All relationships and friendships need to have light as well as dark.
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I speak on the phone to my mom (she’s in her 80s) in uk at least twice a day sometimes more…
I speak to my partner on the phone at least 3 times a day (also in uk)…
I hear from my 3 (adult) kids at least once a week…usually more than that…in ongoing updates and conversations…and catching up…
As for friends then I consider ‘my very best friends’ are my Border Collies…they are the greatest ‘listeners’…totally non-judgemental…make me laugh on a daily basis…greet me at the door with happy waggly “we’ve missed you” tails when I’ve only left them for an hour to go to Super-U…x 
Do you have a dog Norm…??? Or a cat…??? x
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I totally deny any rumours that I have facetimed my Border Collie Meg when she was in France with my wife before I arrived! Totally untrue rumours, not a element of the truth at all
(I think he doth protest too much!)
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Before the days of Facetime (which I still haven’t mastered btw,) I would speak to Wonder Dog on the phone at the house of the friend with whom he was staying, whilst I was working away from home…never occurred to me that other folks wouldn’t consider this normal
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Had to stop skyping tigerbob as he would stick his rather large canine tongue all over the screen as a sign of affection - The image my end got rather blurry and his uncle John’s laptop developed a funny old smell and lost it’s touchscreen capability.
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Hi Helen, Interesting as I only have an elder brother in the UK, and we speak more now than we have ever done in our lives - thanks to Skype. He is my only ‘known family’ although I understand there are nephews and nieces and even ‘grand-nephews and nieces’ there, but I wouldn’t have a clue who they were. We now talk for maybe once a month, but we really have very little in common, and he is a supporter of Farage’s point of view, so I avoid too much virulence in that direction. In fact one thing that has surprised and disappointed me is that several of my friends are coming out as Populists and even extreme Nationalists. Brexit and Trump seems to have encouraged this around the world?
Yes, I do have a cat - Jonksy, but although I love him dearly he rarely comes to me for a cuddle, but treats me as his servant - feeding him, taking off ticks etc. So not the most satisfying pet to be honest. Oddly I get on better with my sister-in-law’s cat - which means I enjoy going over there when the ladies (I still can’t get my head around calling them ‘women’ ) go off on their holidays to look after him.
Apart from that and to the intense annoyance of SWMBO we have a family now of five beautiful Siamese type strays who spend most of their time in our garden where there are umpteen places to laze in the sun and/or shade. Over the past three years I have established a small relationship with them and they will come for a cautious head-scratch and stroke. This gives me enormous pleasure, and an outlet for my affections which is important to me.
Overall, I have to admit that despite being bitten by two of the Collie Dogs people refer to here so generously, and requiring medical attention, I still tend to prefer animals to people overall. Much easier to understand I suppose - generally speaking it’s ‘give attention and affection = get attention and affection’. Doesn’t seem to work too well with me with people, which tells me a lot about myself!
Good grief, talk about a memory-maker you have generated. I know we are close enough in age to remember the tailend at least of a thing called Variety? When I was far younger and for reasons I don’t remember my Mother made a friend of the daughter of Vic Duncan, which would mean little to anyone now, but he was one of the support acts that travelled the world as the ‘undercards’ to the Stars. His Act was called Duncan’s Collies, which as the name suggests was a trained dog act with Collies. He and his daughter lived in Bray and on the river and I have very fond memories of going there when he was long-retired, but still had three of his old dogs, which I adored.
It was always an event for me as he was one of the Committee of the Variety Artists Club, and several times when I was there, famous names of the time would visit - I remember meeting Max Bygraves, The Beverly Sisters and other comedians whose names now escape me. However I always remember when the telephone rang there was a mad scramble for the thing as it had been part of his act, and it was always really funny as ‘Uncle Vic’ as I called him, was probably my age now, and portly (which also sounds familiar!) would be struggling out of his chair as one or other of the dogs would literally answer the telephone - woofing down the receiver! Everyone knew this was likely to happen apparently and the callers would ‘converse’ with the dog until Uncle Vic arrived to take over.
Wonderful memory - thanks for jogging it out of the lumber in my head! Oh I just recalled, and in case there are any older Canadians out there(?) the act was actually a ‘headliner’ each year at the Calgary Stampede which I understand was a Rodeo?
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I find that Facebook helps a lot with keeping in touch. I’ve been out of Belgium since 1980, and away from the UK since 2001, and I find that FB helps a lot with in touch with old friends.
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