Emily, one more thing: harassment and intimidation are international, but your situation as an "outsider" probably makes them easy "defaults" for somebody who could possibly need other, non-hurtful, ways to vent. The book "Le Harcelement Moral" by M.F. Hirigoyen opened my eyes and, from what you describe, it could help you to rationally analyze your situation. I would also recommend the following link to a recent article on the Huffington Post sent by a friend:
Emily - people will take you seriously. Don't worry about that. We all have moments when we need to vent so you go girl!
None of us know the exact details of your situation so we cannot and should not judge ( and I don't think most on here would ) - we are just here to support you. xx
I cant imagine how you would ever feel at home with such a husband. Get shot of the louse and go on without him. If you live in Paris, move away and find a small village were you will get loads of support, even if you couldnt speak a word. If your french is anything like comprehensible you will get oceans of support. As for your husband saying his friends laugh behind your back, I have two things to say, one is that they are not friends if they do this, and secondly, maybe he is just saying that you make you feel even more worthless than he does already. Whichever one it is,its pretty obvious that he doesnt care two hoots about how you feel in all this, so you just do what you think is right for you. You dont cook right, get him to employ a cook! You dont clean enough,let him employ a cleaner. You are neither of these things! Good luck. Oh, and another thing, I was a nurse and surgeons always believe they are Gods,we always referred to them as tin pot dictators
Emily, It has been my experience that people do not change. They may get a little better or a little worse but they will still be the same person.. My advice is to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Life is very short.. You should be the most important thing in his life.. The mother of his children, his soul mate, the one he looks to when he is in despair.. Dump him.. Not a career, or a freaking horse..
Emily, I had reservations in what I was saying up until this one. I have done a lot of work with child abuse, too much to really palate. It brings one into contact with man-woman, woman-man, etc abuse as well and what you are describing (you also had the one off 'hit' before, so now I am thinking that too) is a classic, anywhere in the world abusive relationship. Treat well, coax into secure and calm state, then go for the jugular. The result is that the abused partner becomes more and more passive and accepts it all and even eventually expects it because she or he does not receive other comparably intense attention. Now you really do seriously have to consider acting very positively for yourself if the consequences even appear totally negative. Do it or go down, so what he is a surgeon he is also a human being and should act like one.
Emily, This is so very hard to read, so |can't imagine what it must be like for you.
One thing I can't understand is why he wanted a marriage contract like that (and I am sorry to say why you went ahead with it). It looks as though he was just putting the writing on the wall.
Do you still retain the money from the sale of your house in UK or has he got his ands on that? I think you need a break before you have a breakdown. Can you spend some time with family or friends in UK or elsewhere for a while?
Presumably he will be OK because mama will come to look after him!
Although you feel alone, you are not because we are all thinking of you and holding you in our hearts.
Hi Emily. I can't believe someone called you that! That's outrageous! We all join forums (fora?) because we need or want to connect to other people. SFN is great and I hope it was not a member here who called you "spineless". I've also followed your discussion re teaching English with interest. My qualification is law (no use here) so I did a TEFL and am currently looking for work. As far as I can tell, you are doing everything you can to make things work, and walking out the door is not always (or even sometimes) the answer. I've also read your blogs. You are not sitting down feeling sorry for yourself, but are actively involved in your own community, writing blogs, doing career guidance, raising 3 children - and yes, perhaps you are in danger of spreading yourself too thin. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this better for you, but....
It occurs to me that he's not that dissatisfied, or he would have walked but has some sort of arrested development - as evidenced by what you called his pathetic and immature behaviour. I have known several very successful men and women who have stellar careers but have never matured emotionally. I'd say more but perhaps privately would be better. Talk soon. xxx
I have just put my financial situation on the line because I was hounded by 2 old ladies in the apartments below who regularly had loud conversations on the landing about "l'anglaise" who was doing too much housework - washer, vacuum, showering every day etc. I have now moved to a detached house but not sold my old place. Not easy, but better than being made miserable.
Give the belly a few years, we all do sooner or later.
The Pôle Emploi is the place to make waves. I did it in Bergerac with a German friend's 28 year old son last summer. Walked in with his degree certificates, demanded they be photcopied and they translate themselves. Do NOT let original certificates stay there. The woman we saw said they were worth nothing, so I slapped down the European regulations on the equivalence of qualifications in French and said "Don't you know them, you should in your job" (or words along those lines). Started a bit of an argument so that somebody more senior came to see what was going on and then jumped in with "Fantastic, now I have somebody who knows what they are doing and saying" (bluff, pure bluff) to which my companion and I got attention in a littl, private office. I took the attitude of playing ball with my dogs along the lines of "Fetch job, bring to him". The young guy speaks perfectly good French but with a strong German accent so got lots of "Eh?" before that stage. By being twice as arrogant as the French functionaries I got him appropriate attention. All of his qualifications were accepted, copied and placed in a file with due respect. They were checked online for all French equivalents that were written on slips and stapled to the copies. He was found a job with an architect in Perigueux within two weeks after being told no jobs and no hope, go home by 'minions'. So try pushing them along those lines. If you get a job then push within the post and shame him...
OMG - get out! Now! And take the children with you.
My partner also stopped the physical abuse when I began to 'get tough' and I also thought I could turn things around. Until he began to isolate and alienate me from society by telling me (surprise surprise) that I had no real friends, that people were laughing at me behind my back, that I was useless at most things and so on.
Of course none of it was true...........your husband's patterns really are classic abuse.
Please go on line to the women against domestic violence groups (english or french). You will read the same story over and over again. You will also find support, advice and solutions
Can't speak for everyone else Emily, but I for one do not think you are a total sucker. I admire you for trying to make your marriage work and to make a life for yourself and your children. Read all the posts - I have read them all - there is a huge amount of sympathy and understanding for you - and you are not the only one having difficulties in trying to comprehend some of the French "traits". I am no psychologist but (from past experience) if you live with someone who has anger management difficulties, and has physically abused you in the past, there are serious issues for this man that he needs to deal with. Equally, I know from past experience that he cannot see there is anything wrong at all with him. You are in my thoughts - you are a brave and resourceful woman - and I wish you the very best over the coming year. xxx Sheila
t sounds like you need to take a break, and visit your folks in the UK. Perhaps this will help to put things into perspective. Home sickness is a terrible thing and I have experienced it many times in the past. I am familiar with the french ability to make you feel a bit inadequate, even if you are an intelligent person.
Emily, I have been reading these posts on and off and been so sorry to hear what is happening to you. I began by firmly believing your husband was superficial and childish - vis your comment "despite his "real" and "independently-formed" views that a woman should be slim, successful and cultured." Either that or women should be like his mother "a willing slave" - both views are childish in the extreme. However, I have just read your comment about "mild" physical abuse. STOP now Emily. There is NO SUCH THING as mild physical abuse. This man is an emotional retard. Has he been married before? If not WHY not. Leave him to his mother, cut your losses, think of your children and WALK. I know the French are not perfect VERY very far from it but many of the descriptions you give of the people you know could apply equally to the English - I could furnish you with an English name for each of your French folk! But your husband is something else altogether - and every race in the world has them. So he has stopped physically abusing you? How good of him. Just verbally abusing you now. Well, he is a doctor so he would know about the risk he is running laying hands on you. No Emily, you must deal with this now. My heart goes out to you but you are starting to believe that you are somehow in the wrong. YOU ARE NOT. He would not have married you if you were. Be brave my friend. xx
Hi Emily, I hear you! I put up with my elitist French in-laws and husband for many years in the states, but it got far, far worse when we moved the family back to France, so I had no choice but to divorce, or else settle for a life of continued belittlement, disdain, just the general assumption that women, even if they work full time in a competitive field and are the main breadwinners (my case) are still somehow inferior and made to "serve" while the men "preside." Just the thought of those times, not so long ago, send shivers up my spine. Constant barbs, talking fast in French thinking you won't understand, but you hear them making fun of you! And most of the French people I live with, work with, have befriended, are not like that. I wanted to integrate without losing my identity, but that was impossible, alors j'ai continué ma vie sans eux. I hope you are able to resolve this, stay strong and find peace. No one wishes divorce on anyone, but no one else can no what it is like to be married to someone, alors personne ne peut te juger. Bon courage.
Emily, there is a strong under current of animosity of the white elitist French against Arabs, Black Africans and other Europeans who are "worker" class. I have some French friends who make no effort to hide their prejudices. I thought I left that behind in the US but prejudices exists all over the world. I saw it in Mexico when we lived there with those of European descent prejudging those of Indian descent and Brazil between the whites and blacks or mixed race. It's a universal human failing.
Actually I also meant to add that if your marriage contract was that each person owned what the brought to the marriage then the money from sale of your house that i presume came into the marriage would belong to you. If it was a universelle contract then you each own half of all you possess since the marriage. I wonder what you signed.
Just out of interest Valerie you weren't at Exeter university with a Rebecca Chesterton? She did french and spanish and is now married out here in France to a french husband. I live in the same village near to Montpellier.