Well, today I have been at home in retirement ( the state not the home ) for a decade, that's ten years, or 10 for the numerologists and X for the Roman's out there. Yup, a tenth of a Century, my God ( mea culpa ) has that just flown past, ou quoi? Why am I typing this? well can't sleep…that's retirement for you. There is a moral here, and that is for those of you who are on your way over to enjoy the spoils of your ever depleting pensions, enjoy every minute that you can..'cause it goes quicker than a TVG on … well, you know what.
'Well, ya smug git how'd you manage that? whilst we're still here working to paying for your pension, international arms smuggling?' Heard it a lot, alas rarely with a tone of 'oo aren't you lucky', or 'enjoy, you deserve it,' nah it's always got that phrase that starts with 'spawny'….which is pretty rich when it come from the frogs, so to speak! Everytime we go do something official, and they want belt and braces, and you mention that you don't actually work and have no mortgage, Madame' s off round the office pointing us out and telling every open mouthed person in there!…they don't even have a tick box for that eventualty. We even find ourselves lying to friends 'Yes, we are heavily engaged in Charity' work just to bung in the odd red herring, so's they don't smell something fishy.
So how does one do it, retire @ 50? Lottery? Inheritance? teensey bit of crime? NO, luck! Luck and working 60 hours a week every day for a 30 years.... oooh….and getting out of the UK property market at the right time….. the later being key, So does down-sizing from a ( insert large number here ) bed house nestling in ( insert large number here ) acres, to a ( insert small number ) bedroomed appartment, with a terrace!..well I say terrace….some decking….well I say decking …a few planks.
Yes, take advantage of the lower property values.. 'Course having a big flip off personal penion helps, I had a very hansome pot worth ( insert large number here ) which thanks to Gordon Brown and some over zealous agents selling mortgages to crack addled trailer-trash State-side, has now become a pot ( cup ) of ( insert piddley number here ). The slippidy slidey exchange rate has sh*gged another 30% or so off, so, it ain't as rosey as it were 8 year ago.
But we get by, still have a little left over for luxuries like food and clothing, the rest we share, with URSAFF and all those other Acronymed institutions who keep sticking in their bills where they're not welcome. We shop cannily ( for dented cans, then haggle )…we started out first eating Artisan, then market, then Hyper U, then LIdl, then Netto, then Ed, just waiting for Dougal Mc Frugal's to open, and we'll be laughing!
At least we're not eating out of poubels are we darling? …Darling..DARLING? ..oh 'sokay she's asleep. Shh. No, we don't drink, go to restos, theatre, on holiday etc. don't collect stuff either, I mean, it's only stuff after all. Anyway the first couple of year were great, spent a lot of time gardening, well terracing, you'd call it, ( bit like cottaging, but more open? ) ( note vocal inflection ) motorbiking, drinking… well I did at least until the foie started gra-ing out of all proportion. We now live a very simple life, which comprises running the kids around, and ironing you bast*rd, so I'm told.
I keep myself occupied, the odd walk, (cheap shoes ) just to see how the decking's holding up far end, then I rest….. and eventually walk back. But how do you keep your brain active I hear you say…well Chess, for example, I can honestly say I have never lost a game of Chess in my life…..never played!….Soduko, don't even like Japanese food……no it's the charitable work. Charitable in that I don't charge, I manage about 20 web sites, and 30 FaceBook pages, I don't charge 'cos ( after thinking about it ) I can't be flipped with all that AE nonsense.
That's what I do in the Winter time then ….when Summer's here and the sap is ris, I goes giggin. I have a regular spot ( say hello Lance ) at the local Nudie Place, arr, Just Google Cap D'Agde you'll find it! ( see pics ) started off with the Double Bass, it's now just banjo. No, silly, the Band's clothed, OK? what sort of sicko do you think I am? Hey, gig city, keepin it live!
Where was I? ah yes, if you are relocating, a Modecate of dosh is important, but we find that the 150 squid a week we used to lash out on carry outs, "cos ' I'm too tired to cook" is saved. We are lucky, we have a sea view, and to sllng some Sardines on the Barbie, crackin open the Diet Coke, looking at the Mediterranen, is cheap ol' way to have fun and pass the time away….we do live on a fraction ( do your own maths ) of what we were used to back in the awl counrty. It can can done…. don't spend, don't waste, don't gamble, be charitable and you will be rich beyond our wildest dreams….ain't that right love..LOVE….LOVE...LOVE.. hey ho away to bed.
Post script, someone mentioned my Yoda-like use of Syntax the other day, had to look it up! I always thought that's what you used to lay a carpet in a Brothel! ….lucky carpet!