A little mid-week humour to lighten the mood

Brilliant, sadly, I never travel on trains these days. Perhaps a good thing, considering the outcome. :thinking: :rofl:

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I love Harry & Paul’s unique humour - this sketch fascinates me, but can’t for the life of me understand why!

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I love this one

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My husband Norman needed an urgent blood transfusion, was very ill but unable to talk coherently to the doctors. They needed to know his blood type and suggested that I as his wife would be more successful talking to him to find out, and left the room to give us privacy.

So, I did my best, but for reasons I couldn’t understand, he kept saying the same words over and over again with an anxious pleading look on his face, and I just didn’t understand, and became so worried.

I’ll never forget how supportive my poor Norman was, even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering, “Be positive my dear, be positive!”

That was my Norman! Always thinking of others.

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A burglar broke into a house one night. As he shone his torch around looking for valuables he saw a lot of Christian symbols and he was sure he had heard a voice say quietly, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned off the torch and froze but when he heard nothing more, he thought the religious symbols must have affected him so turned the torch back on and continued.

As he searched he heard the voice again say, “Jesus knows what you are doing.” He shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of his torch came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yes”, the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to tell you what you are doing is wrong and Jesus knows.”

The burglar, a bit dismissively, said. “Oh yeah, so Jesus is watching me is he, so what? Anyway who are you?”

“I’m Moses” replied the bird.

Feeling more relaxed the burglar said, “Moses! What kind of people would give a parrot the name of Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of people who called their rottweiler Jesus.”

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I also loved these characters

and these

and of course

I had to laugh out loud at that, even though I must protest about the blatantly racist remark about a really gentle breed of dog. :wink: :rofl:

BTW I use the word racist because race is the French word for breed. :grinning:

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Ha Ha ha! Oddly enough, I needed to explain to my lovely young ESL student this morning that for animals we say “breed” and not “race”. He asked if it was OK to use race for people. I just told him best not to bring it up if it wasn’t crucial.

I told him all about Singapore where it is carefully declared and organised. I also told him that whenever I was given the box to fill in ‘race’ (Singapore, China, Indinesia…) I always put ‘CofE’. Not one official ever questioned it. I am very rebellious

I had a lovely friend with an African Grey parrot he called Onan because ‘his seed falleth on stony ground. ‘

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Did they fall or were they tossed?

:wink:

He lived, most of the time, on a perch with his seed bowl, so fell. Onan also liked to flutter about the room. From the top of the cupboard he would look down on unsuspecting visitors and dive bomb them just as they were raising a cup. I swear the bird was intelligent.

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Aaahhh… The old ‘cut glass’ (kuht glaass) English’. All gone now, except perhaps for Mr Rees-Mogg.

How to before your next trip to Peter Jones -

The ‘a’ in words like ‘hat’ or ‘happy’ to sound more like an ‘e’ in “this and thet”.

The ‘u’ in words sounds more like the French ‘tout’. Sugar becomes “shougeh”.

And, the vowel in words ending in a ‘y’ like very (“verreh”), happy (“heppeh”), really (“rehlleh”) and family (“famileh), are shorter and sound like a short ‘e’ sound.

All spoken with as little lip movement as possible. Very plummy.

The final thing you may need in Peter Jones -

The currency, if it simply must be spoken of at all, pounds (££) would sound like “pines”. And sadly, poor people would be hyphenated, being “pou-er”.

Etymology. Such fun!

As the nation changed, so too did even the dear, late Queen.

Leaving behind only Rees-Mogg

Perhaps that was a little too much slang…

:stuck_out_tongue:

Pronounced “slehng” :laughing:

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Following your theme… Poxy Amazon Black Friday! Ordered four Kindles and they’ve sent me a “Best of the Two Ronnie’s” DVD.

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That’s how I say poor anyway. Very commonly used word in my house, most used for describing something pitiful and possibly sweet. eg, daughter posts picture of something on group chat, everyone else will say poor often spelt with 3 Os. And Nooo.
Or you spot something in the street and say nooooooo poor.
And obv for being skint.
Actually the reason I love the very attractive girl sketch is it is so cosy and comforting and sweet and makes me feel about 6 listening to my grandparents.

:older_woman:t2::older_man:t2::revolving_hearts:
I think the accents have slowly changed over time probably because we all mix a lot more beyond our sets. I do note however, with some chagrin the Americanisms growing, particularly among young persons. I was quite flummoxed to read “I will reach out to you” in a Toeic current exercise. Especially as it was intended for an email, not amorously or physically.

That said, we do love a bit of Cockney rhyming ourselves, especially when on the dog and bone. There are even more topical ones of that dialect - “Let’s go for a Britney!” Britney Spears = beers :smiley:

I was going to express dismay at ms Spears inclusion, but it’s really just the same as going for a J Arthur, only a little more recent. :wink:

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One of my many pet hates is getting the answer “I’m good” when I ask someone how they are. Did they take soup to an ill neighbour? Did they help a blind person cross the road? I think not.

Last time I was actually flummoxed though was this time last year when I was introduced to an English person and said how do you do and stuck my hand out and not only did he have a weak handshake but also he said nobody says that and repeated how do you do derisively. So I’ll push him off a bridge some time should I get the opportunity. Or ring the chasse.

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Good idea @vero ! That’s stunningly rude :roll_eyes:

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